How to explain to my OH...

Hi RunGirl, I think you have to say it all directly, as you have very articulately put above. I know it’s a cliche (and not true) to say all men are the same but I did have a similar conversation with my partner after my mastectomy. Eventually he said he always preferred to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative, he said it was too difficult to go there. He also said that he was worried about me falling into a depression if I focused too much on the challenges rather than the wins. And I have definitively heard that line about needing time out!! But as we all know, we don’t get time off and have difficult days where we need to be honest! As you say if you are a resilient, fit person he may be frightened, doesn’t know how to express it and avoids facing it. Perhaps you could say calmly, when he has had his time out (!) so is feeling open to a discussion, that you would like him to listen more during these moments and explain that you need space to rant every so often and to have your pain, both physical and mental, acknowledged?

If that doesn’t work, turn to your friends /family for these chats because you DO have a right to your feelings no matter how you seem to be on the outside. Good luck I really do relate x

Unless they can walk (run) in your shoes how can they ever understand? Men are by definition less nurturing than women and prefer the stiff upper lip. I decided from day 1 when my neighbour told me my husband cried to her about my predicament (he NEVER shows emotion!) that I wouldn’t exactly shield him but only tell him what I think he needs to know. He can clearly see when chemo, diarrhoea, lack of eating, overwhelming tiredness, etc., fills me and is always on hand to help but I know deep inside he feels utterly helpless. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus!!  I wish you well xxx

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I can see you understand the situation perfectly - I am usually the 'strong' one and he probably doesn't know how to handle me now. Likewise, it is difficult for me to open up, so I think this forum will be invaluable. Thank you again x

You make a very good point - not only is he male, but someone who hasn't been here can never understand the complex interplay of physical and mental insults that BC brings. He also comes from a very 'stiff upper lip' family and has always found empathy very difficult. He hasn't got a bad bone in his body - true empathy just doesn't come to him. I thought I had accepted that but I could really do with him having some now. Perhaps I need to properly accept it and learn to use others for support where appropriate. Typing this has been therapeutic, so thank you for the insights x

I am not sure you can change him, it’s a case of getting what support you can from him, and what support you can get from others. Of course the physical stuff will improve but the mental stuff is much harder  

My OH is lovely. Hugely supportive on a practical level but completely hopeless when it comes to the emotional side of it. I think he understands what I am going through on a physical level but I don’t think the sheer emotional impact the cancer and the treatment is having on me ever crosses his mind. I love him dearly and wouldn’t change him. So I get what support I can from him and try to keep my chin up. 

What is harder for me is that my adult daughter is very disengaged with it. Just says “it will be alright mum”. I hope it will but with TNBC there are certainly no guarantees