Bit of a sad ramble/vent

Had my 2nd FECT cycle yesterday. Neither of the FEC have been to bad tbh. No nausea yet, some tiredness, headaches, back pain from injections. Hair loss started a week ago, this bothers me more than most things, to date. Trying to stay positive. Come on, we CAN do this! Believe we'll get through treatments, might have a tough few years, and then have the belief there will be no reoccurrence. Hugs. Jo x

Thank you. 

I’ve never been a negative person before all this.  just feel that, at every step of the way, the picture has worsened for me.  ‘It’s 90% benign at your age” (it wasn’t), it’s biopsied at grade 2 (excision showed grade 3”,  “your lymph nodes have biopsied clear” (it’s in four of them).  Now I just feel I’m waiting for the final hammer blow of it being somewhere else.  All the time. 

god, how self-pitying do I sound. I can’t even stand who I am now. People have it so, so much worse. I just can’t seem to snap out of it. 

thank you for replying x

I did try to see your profile to try and understand where you're at. Xx

Try and stay positive. I want to punch people when they say that though!  Having my hair taken off (can't bear to say shaved) on Friday. Dreading it!! X Jo x 

Good luck. I’m trying cold capping as can’t even face the thought of the hair thing yet. Clinging to every strand as long as possible x

Hi just wanted to say good luck for today. I can’t see what your treatment is but I had the full works and still getting chemo. When they told me in august last year after surgery that I needed more chemo I just felt numb. Here I am getting my 11th out of 14 today and then it will be letrozole continuation for 5 years or so. I am back at snow since January and I’m ok. 

I cold capped and still had hair on my head after it although much thinner. Make sure the cap is fitted snug to your head as won’t work so well if not. Nurses tended to just put it on not really taking time for snug secure fit to scalp. I realised this after 3rd one.

Go forward with the attitude of I’m going to take this and it will be over soon. I can’t believe I’m nearly finished with the hospital visits for treatment and happy to go along with the letrozole even though the aches irritate me. Being back at work helps. Aim for that .

Thinking of you today on my infusion today too xx

* back at work *

Thank you so much for the reply. 
Wow- 14 should put my 6 infusions into perspective. Everyone just seems so brave in comparison. 

I hope yours goes well too. Xx

Hel39 said:

I feel like I am moving closer to the end of treatment and a time when I will then be in limbo just waiting to relapse and game over. At 39.

I know what you mean. I'm 39, and further down the road from you as I finished active treatment ~6 months ago. I wouldn't say I'm back to my old self - probably never will be. But I'm less anxious about the future or a relapse than I thought I'd be.

Try to take it a day or a week at a time and deal with what's directly in front of you. You have plenty on your plate at the moment with chemo. Hopefully once you get going with that, whilst it's grim, a little bit more of the doubt and uncertainty will be removed and you'll have a better idea of what you're dealing with.

I don't know your exact situation, but these treatments really are very effective and many of us will do very well, living healthily for decades to come. Hang in there <3

Thank you. I’m hoping I can get to this point …where, even if I do relapse, I haven’t wasted the time prior just living in fear.   I don’t know- I’m fairly high risk for relapse as four nodes and grade 3 but, even with that picture, I’m statistically more likely to be here in 15 years than not on the nhs predict thing. Wish I could just be a bit more neutral instead of feeling impending doom. 

thank you for the reply xx