I have fought every step of the way to keep going. To be that strong women everybody keeps telling me I am. To try and be that warrior that everyone is referring to me as. Today I feel it’s all fallen down and I can’t keep up this fight.
I was a runner! I never stopped, always had something on the go and then all of a sudden …..
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in August. Lumpectomy in September. My dad passed away on October and then I had chemotherapy . After cycle 1 I was rushed into hospital with neutropenic sepsis and kept in for a week but I carried on smiling and trying hard not to let it beat me, My hair went and then my eyebrows. After cycle 3 I was having lots of pains in my legs, they said it was the injections I was having to have to help raise my white blood cells. Everyone calling me a warrior, everyone saying how strong I was. 18 January Chemotherapy finished and I celebrated my 50th birthday yesterday, I got to see my mum and my brother for the first time since my dads funeral as we were keeping me safe because of covid and my daughter made it as special as she could
now tonight I am laying in bed exhausted. Emotions are so high and I can’t stop crying. Never did I imagine I would be where I am now for my 50th. I thought once chemotherapy was over I would start to mend and find me again and get back to where I was, But now I am left with peripheral neuropathy, my hands and feet are just pins and needles all the time! My toes and fingers are numb ans my arms and legs are so so weak, walking upstairs they feel like jelly and even holding a pan of water my arms are too weak, I am told the nerve endings are damage because of the chemo and I have to wait for them to get better which can take 9 - 12 months. I am trying to do things to try and make myself stronger and try and get moving. The weight has piled on and none of my clothes fit me! My daughter turned round (age 21) and asked me to just stop and do nothing, she asked me to save some spoons for her for when she gets home from work so we can share our day (spoons are units of energy, look up the spoon theorem on google) she said I need to rat more and get better but I am saying I need to try and get going to get better.
from what started as a small lump has totally and utterly took over my life and that if my family. I still have radiotherapy to go through in 4 weeks time and I just don’t know where I am going to get the strength for that. I know I should be grateful because I am here and it looks like I am one of the lucky ones but all of a sudden the fight seems to have gone and I can’t imagine the days ans months ahead of this constant pain and how much it’s going to impact on me getting back to me. I want my life back to normal things like, work, shopping, walking the dog and no tiredness. I feel a fraud and a fake as people see me differently to how I feel.
anyone else feel like this? Is it normal to feel like this at this stage? Am I wanting too much too soon?
Hoping to find some comfort and hope with my post as tonight is looking very dark,
L.x
Hi sorry you're having such a tough time right now. As for what's normal, honestly I think anything can be normal when cancer diagnosis and treatment is concerned. We all respond differently and it's not right or wrong, it just is how it is. But, I also believe that the after effects will pass, but it can take a frustratingly long time for some of us. I agree with FarmerAnn, try and listen to your body and rest when you need to. It sounds like you have good support around you so try and be kind to yourself. Sending hugs and positivity x
