Positivity

Hey Mel

We need some lifting from time to time dont we? What is getting you down?? Chemo? 

Being a single mum I also felt its just down to me to keep the house going and that if I don't do it nothing gets done but I am also needing to focus on myself and healing.

I was told off by my surgeon not to spend my energy on things which brings you down as that is wasted energy. Put all of that energy (which isn't much, tire easily!) towards something more useful. Of course you have every right to feel how you feel, cry if you need to as it's such a release for your body. 

I myself have finally seek some counselling to sort my head out! Maybe you can try that too?

Your thoughts are so powerful and at times it can feel so grim and engulfed with darkness- giving you big big hugs to make u feel better! Try journalling, or listen to podcasts of success stories of those who have come out the other side. We all need some Ray of light, some hope and confidence from others. I keep telling my partner, I am only half the person I used to be. Every friend or relative, they don't understand what our journey is like, all the fear anxiety or worries, nothing has changed in their lives, but ours it's turned upside down at every point!

I also told myself, I don't have option but to keep pushing through for my child, even though he pushes me to the limit being a typical teenager!!  What will happen to him if I am not here? He is all I have and I am all he has....sadly life sucks right now Mel, but it won't be like this forever, you have to strongly believe it. 

I am watching the Royal Variety show right now..May be u can tune in, itv. My boy turned 15 today. I try to put my smile on and sang him a birthday song, I try to feel grateful for every moment I have esp each milestone. Please try to believe you will come through this. Pm me if u need to ...don't ever feel you're alone xxx 

Life is beautiful and so worth fighting for xxx

Cx

Hello Mel

I have looked at your profile. I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling like sh** today. We all have days like that and you need to do your best to push through. This can be a difficult time of year in the best of times, let alone the current time you are having. On the positive side, you are Young compared to very many of us here and you have your four boys who need their mum and you have four of the very best reasons to give this BC your best fight. You can do this! And you will!

You don't say what the next stages in your treatment plan are or when. Maybe you would like to share, as there will be ladies here who are further along the path. The Good thing is that your gremlin has been removed. Your BC team will now do everything that they can to keep it away. I had large area of IDC and positive nodes. I am HER2positive and ER positive and am continuing with treatment now, post chemo, post RT and surgery. Everything I have been having since June is to stop my Bugg** coming back. I don't know if you are receptor positive or not. However, there seem to be many new drugs available and in trials to keep most types of BC cell from recurring.

Sending you big virtual hugs and hoping that you can have big hugs from your own boys.

Try not to despair and keep posting here. Negative feelings are very much better out than in.

All the best

WallyDug

Thank you so much for the reply. Everything you have said is so true.  I need to stop looking to the future and thinking there wont be one.  None of us know what is around the corner and I need to make the most of the here and now.  It's just so hard painting a smile on my face all of the time.  Just having a bad day and very thankful you all in this group.

I have just put the variety show on :-)

Mel xx

Thank you so much for your reply.  Currently having chemo, 3rd session on 29th and then radio and  tamoxifen.

I need to keep pushing forward and stop looking to the future thinking there won't be one.  I have a good family and a lot of support but sometimes they dont understand.  I am so thankful for this group and you all for the continued support.

Mel xx

I do know how hard it is to find your happiness, and can understand your feelings. I feel I don't have happiness right now, which is OK...it will return, I need to be patient. Treatment is tough, but Mel you are tougher...your dip won't stay, pls keep convincing yourself. 

I am also like u, chemo Rt and more treatment for next 10 yrs. I try not to think of that and take one thing at a time or I will spiral into depression. I look for help and the gp keeps pushing me towards anti depressants. I don't want to be on those.

I can't imagine what it's like for u, kids take up so much energy, and it's something you don't have much right now and it compounds and makes everything tenfold more dire/difficult. I truly believe u got this babe. We are here cheering u on...on some similar journey with u as well. 

Enjoy the show!

Much love ️ 

Cx

Aw Mel28.  These are tough days.  The trauma is real.  You have had a terrible shock.  You need care for yourself while you manage that for a start.  

I have a few things I focus on that help me (sometimes).  I find mantras to repeat to myself helpful.  I will be the woman who lives (say it like in Harry Potter and believe it).  I think of the point in the future when this is behind me (whatever "it" turns out to be) and I look forward to getting all the bad times ticked of my list to get there.

I remind myself that now is good.  Now is fine.  Nothing bad is happening in this moment.  I acknowledge that there will be times ahead that will be hard and I will be mad at myself for wasting this nice moment on worrying about the future bad moment.

I have never had a tattoo, but I am planning a doozy as my survivors tattoo.  I have a massive Pinterest board and I obsessively add to it when things feel rubbish.

I am very strict with myself about thinking about future bad times.  I will only work with what I know. I will not practise responding to future bad news that I might not get.  I will not imagine how my loved ones will manage if there is future bad news (that I might not get).   I do not need to rehearse these things.  There will be no good way to manage them and I will respond to bad things only if I have to at the time that I have to..  These bad things might never happen.  I will remind myself not to live through trauma that is not yet mine.

I will breathe.  I will make myself focus on the here and now.  I will make myself do something for the next few minutes. I will move when I feel like I am drowning.  I will pace.  I will go outside and feel the air on my face.  Sometimes I will need to do ugly crying but I will do something to move out of that moment when I have got it out.  Sometimes none of this will work and I will need a cuddle.  I am knocking back Rescue Remedy a lot.  I tell myself that it works (and sometimes it does).

I will note when I have moments that are okay and I will remind myself in my bad moments that good moments exist in these hard times and if I distract myself for a while, one might come along.

I hope you can feel that I send you love and i hope you will have times that feel okay xx

You're right. Looking at my no boob makes me cry every time...I don't know when it will go this crying..but I also thought about getting a tattoo on the no boob side. And it makes me feel much better!

C x

Like you I also self counsel, have a mantra and if I need further convincing I write them down. I also write worries down and close that book! Like I am talking it out loud. And for negative thoughts I will hop on my exercise bike if any comes to mind...this is my blocker and turning something negative into a positive. 

We all try to make up our coping mechanisms!!

I hate most is daytime commercials advertising care homes and funeral plans. That really gets to me!!! Bleugh! I quickly flip channels!!!

Cx 

Thank you so much for your reply. Everything you said is true.  I am fearful of something that may not happen.  I need to find ways of coping when I feel rubbish.

Mel xx

I have an exercise bike, I will try that when crap thoughts come to my mind xx