Marriage troubles

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Hello All

Apologies in advance as i think this will be a very long post! Looking for advice from anyone who may have gone through similar.

I've been married for 11 years and truth be told we haven't had the closest of relationships. We have never been each other's go-to person. However since my recent diagnosis he has supported me emotionally and i really thought this was the start of us finally coming together as a couple. He has held me at night when i have been sobbing and fearful of not seeing our son grow up. I will today start my second cycle of capecitabine which fingers crossed i seem to be tolerating well.

For background context - my family all live abroad and my sisters have recently come to see me because they wanted to support me and are staying in a airbnb close by. We dont have a spare bedroom because my MIL lives with us and has done for 4 years (not something i wanted because they are a very involved family and I like my own space. I told my husband her living with us would not be good for us but i guess I didnt say it strongly enough). MIL and SIL are very close and I know that everything that happens in my house is relayed to SIL.

As my sisters arrived from abroad last Wednesday, they had to do a day 2 PCR test. I took them food and made them meals to eat while they were in isolation but on the Friday i thought sod it - they have come all this way to see me (7-hour flight - no Omicron in their country yet) and I dont know when i will next see them so I went to get fish and chips and dropped some home to my husband and MIL and then took food round to my sisters and ate with them. All this in the context of if they had travelled a week earlier there would be no isolation and also if there was room in my house, they would be staying with me and there would be no isolation. They have been careful around me and have worn masks. Husband sent a sarcastic message on Friday while i was at their place to the effect that isolation has ended now has it. We havent spoken since. I should also say that when Omicron arrived, husband said that's it, he would refuse to work in London and would WFH to protect me. He was going to go on a music day cruise next weekend which i said was hypocritical - saying to his work he would have to WFH if he was happy to go on this cruise.

I'm continuing to work full-time (albeit from home) while still doing most of the cooking and general household tasks and doing pretty much everything for our son.

I know this is very childish behaviour in light of my diagnosis but i cant get past this at the moment. There is so much upset and negative thoughts flooding my whole being right now which is so bad for recovery and just generally feeling positive.

I just need to offload because these thoughts are eating me up and I see no way forward for a marriage which was already in trouble before this awful diagnosis. My cancer is terminal and i dont know that i want to live the time i have left being this unhappy.

Grogg over 3 years ago

Wow that's. That's a lot you are coping with. What do your sisters say about your situation. If you do separate on a practical level would you stay in house, can you afford it, do you somewhere else you could go & live.
is it your husband you are unhappy with your MIL living there? How old is your son, is he old enough to pick up on your unhappiness.

Sorry for all the questions but bottom line I agree you deserve to be happy, you just might need support from family or friends to achieve that.
PS can't believe they have you doing everything around the home and working full time and undergoing treatment xx

fhgirl over 3 years ago in reply to Grogg

Thanks Carol

My sisters just want to scoop me up and take me back with them (I'm 52!). I couldn't afford to stay in the house - I would have to move out and find something cheaper. My son is 10.

I think you're right to pick up on my unhappiness of MIL living with us. She is on the face of it a very helpful lady. She collects our son 3 times a week from school. She has always said to me just tell me what you need me to do but I'm no good at asking for help. I have said in the past and since the diagnosis tell me what you want to cook and I will add it to the food order bit this doesn't happen - I have to menu plan and just get stuff in that when it is her turn to cook, she sticks in the oven. She mothers her son (does his washing and his ironing).

I dont think it's just her living with us though. Because she lives with us, my husband feels he doesn't need to do much for the family. He does do a lot of practical things around the house though (we are in the middle of house renovations and he is sorting all of this)

Grogg over 3 years ago in reply to fhgirl

Ok you need a plan and your health yiu the right to dictate and implement.

My plan would be ;

Do a 2 week dinner menu. Order food shopping on line. Leave menu plan up in kitchen. Allocate cook to each day. Personally I would alternate with your MIL if hubby occupied with DIY. Weekends allocate one day things like soup/toasted sandwiches/ takeaways . You son could be in charge of sandwiches.
Batch cook. So if you or MIL make things like a bolognese sauce make double and freeze. Then if you feel ill due to medication you have a ready meal in freezer.
Cleaning rota. Either allocate rooms or days or duties . Ie one cleans , one does laundry .
Family time schedule. Your MIL might like peace if you, hubby & son go to cinema etc
Ask SIL if MIL can be taken out by her so you can have a rest day
Quiet time for you

Stop trying to please everyone, focus on what will make you happy . .

FormerMember over 3 years ago

OMG you must be really struggling with your emotions, how long have they given you? Please try to enjoy each day, no one knows their future and you could be knocked down by a car tomorrow. Go for long walks, you will feel better, listen to the birds and when I was low I confided in God or whatever you think is far greater than us mortal. I am here for you and you are not being childish, how old is your son? I have one son he is 49 and I have just been diagnosed with a new aggressive cancer, waiting for the results of my scans. I had cancer 16 years ago and I was in shock when it returned. I am having trouble sleeping and I know it is different for you, I am here, take care and try not to be so hard on yourself, sounds like you are doing a great job looking after the households.

fhgirl over 3 years ago in reply to Grogg

Thanks Carol

I do need more of a plan. I wish they would just step up because even implementing a plan to help me out means me doing the thinking behind the plan. I am exhausted with doing the thinking. I want someone to take over.

fhgirl over 3 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I haven't been given a time - treatable but incurable. I think until we see my response to the treatment the oncologist cant say. She mentioned that some of her ladies on capecitabine are on it for years.

My son is only 10 and I am struggling with not being around for him.

I'm sorry you are struggling with sleeping. Strangely (or not, i suppose we are all different) my sleep is largely unaffected. When will you have the results of your scan?

FormerMember over 3 years ago in reply to fhgirl

Hopefully next week and it will be good news. Enjoy the time you have with your son, it's a lovely age. Enjoy xxx

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