Telling my adult children

• I am new like u and have sons ranging from 24 down to 19...i don't have breast cancer as diagnosis but am year late for screening.. As a mum I am in same place as you right now... I've  been under hospital for 6 yrs but first had surgery 19yrs ago for vin... Vulval cancer... But had 1st laser treatment for cervical after smear and abnormal cells found on few occasions since I ws 25...the first time I had surgery for vulval cancer my youngest was only 3 mths old, I had more surgery Yr later but nothing til 6yrs ago... I have now had my labia removed bit by bit but its one of those that can come back and within 8 weeks 3 yrs ago was back to high grade abnormal cell vin 3..it jus became something that was part of everyday life... I played down to my sons and everyone around me as hasn't ever gone past that stage as had surgery.. However I went for check up 3 weeks ago... A very large mass which is cancer and its inoperable apparently, my immune system can't take any chemo but until results from cat scan and I see oncologist next week don't kno if has spread into other areas... I am driving to Sussex which is 4hrs from where I live today as my son who is at uni in Leeds is visiting his brothers so I can see them all together... I understand your dilemma as until next week I don't have all the facts and how long I have etc but this may be only opportunity for me to spk with them face to face. I am dreading as they may be young men but I feel like they are so young and I can't make it all alright.. Its not like wen they were little and I could hug and kiss things better... I'm angry too as I can't help feeling I've let them down as won't be there... We never stop needing our parents however old we are... I know I want my mum but that another difficult one as she lost my dad to cancer and at 87 I really thought and will do everything I can to keep going to outlive her as I don't want her to go through pain and powerlessness she did nursing my dad... So I think like you jus reading your post helped me as I need help and advice around my sons my mum etc as there doesn't seem to be any way that will make it OK but maybe a way where they can feel supported and unafraid to express how they feel and get any help so they can move on in the future without scarring them for life xxx goid luck

Morning Waihau, I'm also fairly new myself having only joined Last week.

Sorry you had dignosis of breast cancer but you will find lots of help and support here.

Since joining i have found this group to be amazing, always full of advise and sometimes just someone to listen to you when family cant.

I joined last week as I had gone to the hospital the previous Tuesday and was told it was cancer but couldn't find ways if tellibg my family.

I spoke to a Macmillan nurse who listened and supported me in going through why I needed to tell my husband, he wasnt told until Friday night but I did it.

I got my 2 adult children together at mine on Sunday and they were told together,hardest thing in my life as I had caused them pain and no mum wants to do that to her babies.I say babies they are 24 and 32 so  not babies but you know what I mean .

I told my mum and brother on Monday.

I just kind of started by saying this isnt easy but I have been to the hospital for a routine appoinment but they have found a lump and it is cancer.I let that sink in let the tears flow before I added any other information.

I chose to tell everyone quite early on so they had time to get used to the idea before treatment started.

Had official results yesterday of breast which has spread into lymph nodes and am awaiting a scan and an appointment with oncologist anout starting chemo. 

I told everyone on my return my outcome and treatment olan and it was a whole lot easier than the initial conversation.

There have been a lot of tears as you can imagine  but now we are all trying to be as positive as we can and get through the next 9 months or so.

Are there still Covid restrictions where you or your son are as I thought most had been lifted now ?

I understand your need to tell them both together as this is what I felt I needed to do too.

One thing I have found by using this site is that its ok to cry,have off days,ask for help and be confused.

I am now trying to prepare myself for what comes next.

I wish you well in your journey and your dilemma with your sons.

Hi there, this is one of the toughest things to do I think. Like Sudge, I told people very early, my adult (22) daughter was the second person to know after my husband. She lives 3 hours away so I did it on FaceTime and just said I have some bad news, I found a lump, got it checked and they think it's cancerous. I am a positive and upbeat person and a I know my daughter has taken her response and steer from me on this, so she has been relatively relaxed as I have been very positive about the treatment.  But we are all different and deal with thins in different ways and I know what worked for me may not work for others.  Hope this helps and good luck x

Hi Got2laugh, love your username :),  My goodness you have had it tough. My heart goes out to you!! Yes it's my boys I feel the saddest for too. I'm kind of ok with it, it's when I think of how upset they will be that gets my tears rolling.

Thanks for your words and I wish you all the best! From what I've learned already, make sure you take time for you!!

Big Hugs 

Hi Sudge,

Yes I feel this site is going to be immense help to me. Thanks for sharing with me. I want to tell my son I'm seeing tomorrow night and thinking of facetiming with his brother at the same time. Still feel it seems unfair but it's that or wait a while longer and then have them possibly upset with me for not telling them sooner.

I don't have the support of a husband or partner, I'm a "handle it on my own" kind of person but am well aware I need help and support on this one.

I'm actually in New Zealand, hope it's ok for me to join this group! I looked to find a group here and tried to join but the system wasn't working and I really needed to reach out and get peoples thoughts and advice now. I figured no matter where you are in the world, the pain, process' and feelings are all the same. We have just been in full lockdown for a couple of weeks, most of the country is gone into level 3 which means you can only travel out of your local district if you are an essential worker.

We are all positive people and I am being assured of the successful treatments now. Yes I totally know what you mean about your kids being your babies, they always will be no matter how old they are. Mine are 30 and 35

Thanks again for sharing and your words of advice and what you have found so far. I think I'll be here a lot and hope I can help others in time.

Hello Waihau. So sorry that you find yourself in the club that no one wants to join.  I live alone and have two adult children who no longer live at home.  I wondered about just keeping everything to myself but decided that it would not be fair to do that.  My daughter is a counsellor and so I knew that she would be OK but my son suffers from bipolar disorder.  I worried about telling him but decided that it would not be right for him to find out in some other way and that he would be so hurt.  I could not see him so I had to do it over the telephone.  I asked him if he could give me the moral support that I needed at that time.  He has been brilliant and so has my daughter.  You know your sons best.  I was worried about my son being pushed into one of his depressions but it worked out OK.  My main worry was them finding out afterwards and being upset that I felt that I could not tell them.  We are a very close family.  My daughter has been very "hands on" and has looked after me following the two operations that I have had to have.  My son has been very kind and supportive.  Whatever you decide I hope that it goes well.  Good luck with your treatment.  I know it is a lot to take in and it is difficult to deal with your own thoughts and fears right now, but I felt huge relief after I had told them.  All the best.

Hi Irishgirl16,

Thanks for sharing. I don't have the support of a husband or partner. Makes me feel sad for my kids as they will feel responsible for being my support. 

The lump has been there a while and I know I should have done something about it way before now! It's just for the last 3 years I've been going through a severe breakup ( not my children's father ).  Police and charges involved, he finally got sentenced in the courts today and got just over 2.5 years in prison for what he did to me. So I've had so much other horrible stuff going on I didn't think I could deal with this at the same time, especially going through treatment and not feeling safe. So for now at least with our system here, with time he's been in prison on remand already (4 months), he'll possibly be out in around 7 months on parole, hopefully it will be longer in prison but at least I know I'm completely safe from him for at least the next 7 months.

I like your attitude of being a positive and upbeat person. Like to think I'm like that too. I get how your daughters response is because of your own attitude. I will take a leaf out of your book on this thank you. I do feel though I'm dropping another bomb on them as the breakup effected them too majorly with one of my boys having to give evidence in court. A big help. I wish you all the best on your journey too.

Hi

I had one son living abroad and two at home when diagnosed. I told my sons at home at the same time as my son abroad , luckily he was living with friends (my sons  were all teenagers) so told them first so they could support him. I made the phone call to him whilst my other sons were with me so that we could all “chat” When is a good time to tell people ? There isn’t one I don’t think. For me I told them that I wouldn’t tell them everything ,( as I didn’t want to drag their daily lives down anymore than needed), but would always answer their questions as honestly as possible. So I told them when I was at hospital,ops, chemo etc , but not when things went wrong or when I was upset , personal preference on how you deal with it. Telling people can be really stressful as you have no idea how they will react , and you don’t want to have to worry about their reactions when you have close family you need to think about - we have a lovely friend who freaked out completely and came to the hospital to find me when I had my first day case op, I really didn’t want to deal with their angst! 

Being in NZ is no barrier to this group , the support will be the same from the lovely people on here wherever you are. What might be different is the treatment plans and medications as every country has their own way of doing things.

Good luck with your journey

Jo x

Hi again , ah you are in New Zealand  hence the covid restrictions makes sense now.  No it doesnt matter where in the world you are the shock amd horror is the same. 

I think you have made a very good compramise under the circumstances you find yourself in. 

The part I kept thinking was that if I didn't tell them they would be angry and annoyed and I didnt want that to happen.

Its the shock of everything though isnt it.

I wish you all the best with having the conversation with your sons and with your journey too.

Gosh, sounds like you have a heck of a lot going on. I hope things are calmer for you and allow you to focus on your treatment and recovery.   Please shout when you need support x