Fed up

Cathy

Im the same totally fed up treatment finished but regular Zoladex and Zoledronic acid when vitamin D level increases just feel I’m waiting for cancer to return and it’s hanging over me hugely affecting my mood. I’m trying to focus on positives and exercising but cry daily, my husband tells everyone I’m ok, think it’s just easier to tell others we are ok xx

cx

Chemo is really tough! No wonder you're feeling fed up. It is completely normal. I thought I'd feel good once I got the last chemo treatment done, but it was a bit of an anti-climax as I still had the recovery time to get through. I then had lumpectomy, so worried about that and I am now in the middle of rads. After chemo, I suddenly processed everything too so struggled a bit with mood then.

I started feeling really good a week or 2 after my operation. I loved my life pre-cancer life and couldn't wait to get back to my hobbies. Cancer and its treatment robs you of time but the alterative to the harsh treatment is far worse.

Now I'm feeling more like me again and back to my hobbies and life (albeit tired by the end of the day!), I feel amazing. Feel so lucky to have found it when I did, so lucky to have a fantastic NHS who provided me with tailored treatment and so lucky to be getting my life back. 

Things will get better, you're at a tough stage of treatment. Life is for living, try and remember the things you love and look forward to doing them again. We've all been giving a 2nd chance and if that isn't worth celebrating, I don't know what is. 

Right now though, allow yourself to feel what you do. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and letting moods happen when they do is all part of the processing what has happened.

I should have said - exercise when you can. Once I was through the first few days after chemo, I made sure I went out for a daily walk, Even if you can only manage 10 mins, it will make a difference. I then gradually increased once I was through treatment and am back to running now. Exercise definitely helps your mood

I have found exercise helps too, but I currently have very sensitive skin so am struggling since the sunshine brings me out in a lovely red facial rash :-(

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down.  I can understand the just waiting for the cancer to return.  I'm not sure how any of us get over the "elephant in the room".  I think we just have to hang on to the fact that it more often doesn't than does.  When I asked my oncologist what the chances were that my BC would return his answer was "if it does, we'll just treat it again". 

Have you tried phoning the Macmillan help line and talking to someone.  I cried all the time at the beginning of this journey, but have somehow managed to reconcile myself to the fact that it is what it is.  My hisband has gone from being a very angry man to being very supportive.  I've told him not to be British and tell everyone I am OK... I think that people really want to help, and so telling them the truth is the only way.  I've been surprised at which friends this has led to going quiet and which ones have really stepped up and been supportive. 

Sending hugs

xx 

Well how extraordinary.....for over three months I have been able to login to this account. Then it suddenly worked....Your message came up at the top of the list. Still unbelieving the site was working, I read your note.  How appropriate as I live in France too......

I am at the end of my treatment now. It is five and half years since I was diagnosed. As my last mammogram was clear, I was signed off from oncology except for an annual mammogram for the rest of my life.

I know at your stage in the treatment, it seems as if it will never finish. When I had chemo it was three weekly. I think weekly may seem hard work but I also believe it is less harsh. Chemo made me very unwell. If your body can deal more easily with the smaller dose, this must be a good thing. The 18 weeks will end. The same with radiotherapy if you need it. I found the operation was the easiest part. 

Looking for positives will be the aftercare you will receive compared to our many friends in the UK. I have kept in touch with several who have had much less annual support and have also had to chase appointments for mammograms.  I don't think that will happen to you. I had an appointment every four months for five years. This was very reassuring. Have you got a port for your chemo? My unit gave one to every chemo patient. I also had a lot of medication in case I had certain side effects. This proved very important as I could take them as I needed them. Perhaps you have this too?

Are you in a high Covid area? I am not. We have been very fortunate but also we have had our vaccinations. 

I hope all goes well for you. It is totally normal to have ' down' days. Don't be annoyed with yourself if you feel that way. Your body has had an enormous shock. However positive we try to be or put on a front to others, it always catches up. Just allow yourself time for you. Do exactly as you want. If you feel like resting.....rest. If you want to walk....walk. You can't meet friends at the moment but you will be meeting lots of new people on this site. Don't forget the Awake thread if you just want a chat or moan or laugh. You will find a welcome there anytime of day or night.

Take care. It will pass quicker than you can imagine now.

Love Karen

Hi Karen

Funny how things happen.

Thank you for your response... yes I've been more than impressed with my care so far. I had a chamber fitted in my chest before the first chemo and it has made life easier.

I was given loads of drugs with the EC but nothing with the Paclitaxel. As you say, I'm sure it is because it is less harsh and keeps a steady level in your body rather than hitting it hard and then tailing off.

I'm actually looking forward to surgery as it sort of feels like the beginning of the end. I'll be in Niort hospital, which is where I've been having treatment. 

I'm in the Vendee, so we're not too bad for Covid.   I've had my first vaccination and second is on 27th of this month. 

Nice to know there are other people from France on here... it's been good reading about others experiences but the system is different here. 

Cathy

I'm so pleased you feel your treatment has been good too. I am not so far away....I had my treatment in Angouléme at the Soyaux Centre Clinical. I didn't appreciate some of the things we had as standard like the port until I started reading the many problems caused by poor veins and lack of meds for general problems on the Macmillan web site.

As I said before....your treatment will finish and then like me you'll be looking back on it. I'm not saying it is easy and even at this point, it never completely goes away but life does return to some normality. 

If you ever want to send me a PM,  you're welcome. I'll happily reply.

Love Karen