wet sock

So hi folks I've posted a few things on here but recently have been a tad absent, basic rundown, diagnosed with DCIS, and Invasive DCIS back in November last year, had lumpectomy with sentinel node removal, and they pinched another node just for the  fun, needless to say had clear margins on the nice 28mm plus invasive tumour thank goodness, however both nodes tested positive for Macro metastasis, and Micro metastasis, one was basically well over 2mm, and the other just under. there was evidence of lymph vascular invasion. 

I then went on to have full axillary node clearance right side, they went in the same scar as they had done the Lumpectomy and removed 14 nodes yippee these were clear of cancer thank goodness again. However am now left with a numb underarm, risk of lymphoedema, and feels like i have a lump under my armpit most days, but again i am thankful could be far worst. two surgeries in the space of the month of December. Yes this sucks cancer is like being hit in the face with a wet sock that has been left in the space in the washer where all the dirt and mucky water collects, or is that what only happens in my washing machine i wonder. Yes it sucks !!!!. 

So last week discussion with a very nice lady oncologist, very down to earth, she said some swear words, and was quite casual in dress attire, i had dressed up for the occasion, doing a skype call from my living room which i had hastily tidied up in about 30 seconds, as these days i can barely get out of bed before 10am, am i lazy mmmmm no just needing to sleep, after spending the last few weeks post surgery having difficulty with the old sleep pattern. 

Anyway discussion went along the lines of yes you do need chemo, due to the prognosis and what the predict tool stated and the NPI, so am to have six sessions three of EC, and three of Docetaxel not sure if I've even spelt that right, but you get my drift. i will then have condensed radiotherapy delivered on one week rather than the usual, and ten years of hormonal therapy with Tamoxifen again prob not spelt that right. 

Its been more than a hell of a ride and those that have this ride more than once, i take my hat of to you..... last couple weeks emotions have been all over the place, i think that is because i have now time to digest what has happened and how this pea sized ninja has altered my life, gave me scars, and now a good few  months of having toxic drugs inside my body that will eliminate any rogue ninjas that may be floating about, as well as all those poor other cells that exist in my body, and yes i get it, to coin a phrase, surgery shuts the door on cancer, and chemotherapy and radiotherapy locks that door and bolts it, so yeah its all relative. I think i have thrown myself into getting over one surgery than the other, and in the midst of that decided that for the hell of it i was going to do a charity walk over the space of January forty miles to be precise, managed it in two weeks i feel i may have pushed it a bit too far. 

So now emotional wise, crying at the drop of a hat, or drop of ought else, irritable, and really just want to sleep, i have consulted the nice team at Macmillan and spoke about emotional support, i don't normally need anything like this, however even i have to admit that I'm not quite on parr with how i should be, oh and developing brain fog, that is even before the 'chemo brain' kicks in..... oh dear this could get messy, i turned the fridge freezer of the other day doing my nightly ritual than blamed it on my Son because i could not remember. 

So I'm as prepared as i can be, i have a little box with useful items for chemo and how i may or may not feel, im  not cold capping as i quite fancy the idea of growing some brand new hair that hasn't been dyed to a inch of its life, and i quite like the idea of different wigs, my first session is on the 8th February, and i have to have a Picc line fitted a week before which is next Monday yikes. 

The reason i guess why i am writing war and peace, is that i cant thank Macmillan enough for all the support they have given and offered, you guys for being here, and the various other forums and groups, i also want to stress the importance of you time looking after your needs, and putting you first, sleeping when you need to, as long as this does not last all day just kidding, if you need to sleep, sleep, exercise whether that is an online class, or a walk outside, or something that gets you moving and out of breath, try something new even if you don't feel like it, this is our time, we have been kicked to hell and back again, and again some more, cancer changes you as a person, internally and externally......... its a hard journey and everyone's is unique, and individual to them......... best of luck to anyone going through any of this journey, that lets face it none of us wanted especially in the middle of a Pandemic, feel free to message me, if you need a chat or just a rant, last comment my life now resembles that of my 23 yr old son, sleep most of the day, eat , and binge watching Netflix with the occasional motivation to go for a walk, or jog, or if im feeling super adventurous some yoga for beginners, but that's another story i won't bore you with. 

Remember you are the best, you are unique, priceless individuals, that deserve so much more .........