Mourning the life we had

PatsyP2......I just saw your post. I had an early night......

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed and worried although it is very natural and I think, if we're honest, we've all felt as you do. I think it is the thought of the 'unknown'............

However, I want to give you a little more hope as you seem to have lost it. I read your profile page and see that your diagnosis was similar to my own. I had a lumpectomy to remove the tumours and the sentinel node removed which in my case was clear but the tumour analysis was Triple Negative so my treatment plan changed to chemo and radiotherapy.  At the time six more months treatment seemed an eternity. There was no one to talk too as I didn't find this site until after chemo cycle 3. Your head goes into overtime. You only hear the sad stories of people who weren't able to recover. But actually BC isn't like that.......there are so many variables......so many reasons why someone's treatment is different to someone else. Your profile suggests that you have a good chance of a successful recovery. It is now five years since I had my lumpectomy and you may have seen on Awake that my 5th year mammogram was still clear.

Does your life change? Well, it doesn't need to. I expect you have read comments that suggest it must....but perhaps the changes are more from personal reflection about what is important than compulsory. There are unfortunately some people posting who have secondary cancer and for them changes are inevitable but unless I missed something in your profile, you seem as if you are still dealing with a primary cancer so that probably isn't  you.

So why do people change their lifestyle from choice?......well, I think there is often a realisation that life should be more meaningful, less tiring and finding the right people to socialise with not just run the rat race like before. Not everyone can change their work but lots seem to choose to. I was already retired in 2015 so it has always been different for me but I have read during the five years a number of posts from people who went back to work but found it futile and tiring and reviewed their situation and chose a change. I know many of us have realised who our real friends are.....you may be surprised too. The people I thought were my closest friends are no longer that. There were times I felt that they were almost jealous that for a few months, I was the centre of enquiries about my progress. They never appreciated the difficulties the treatment can produce and changed their own plans to help. If I didn't fit in their scheme.....tough! But other people emerged who genuinely cared and who I now consider to be good friends. I was lucky. I had a strong marriage with a Type 1 diabetic husband so from the start we were used to discussing feelings. It has been very important to me because of some complications  I experienced from the treatment which are fairly rare and therefore most people don't have to worry about them.

However, life doesn't have to change. When it was first obvious I was having chemo as I lost my hair, 2 different people I had known for years told me they were BC survivors. One 27 years, another 21 years. You would never have guessed. They led ordinary normal lives. They worked until retirement age. They were active, walking, keep fit etc. They never mentioned the cancer until they felt I needed the encouragement.  No online encouragement for them either. 

Then from this site I have since made friends with people who returned to work in very demanding jobs, head teachers, nurses, class room teachers. They no longer post on here. There life is too busy. They are quite happy with how their treatment has gone. They might have been a bit tired at the start but have got used to it. They don't think of themselves as changed. They have taken holidays abroad and do whatever they want. They are content. My headmistress friend has approaching 2,000 pupils in her school and is in her 40's. 

So I hope that you will see that your cancer isn't a death sentence. If you are young, you can probably hope to live to a good age and achieve what you want. Don't make decisions now when you are still a bit shocked and certainly tired from the testing and waiting. Still getting over an operation. Expect to feel more tired as the treatment progresses and there is even the possibility of a few months of fatigue as it draws to an end but don't give up the idea that if you want to.....there is no reason for you to change your future and if choose.....you can change it to.

Take care. Perhaps chat to your BCN? There maybe groups in your area where once Covid has passed you can meet up with others in your situation or  perhaps she might recommend something else. I'm sure your life can return to whatever normality you would like it to have.

Cyber hugs.

Love Karen

Just wanted to send a virtual hug your way. 

Debs x

I just had to say what a fantastic inspiring post Lacomtekp

Thank you

Hello

Fantastic lacomkekp. 

Dear patsyP2, I can feel for you. I felt like that a diagnosis. Went into a complete nose dive of despair. 

I was diagnosed in Nov 2019. I had chemo surgery and radiotherapy. I'm now back at work and apart from covid, I'm leading a life pretty much as I did before. It's only covid stopping me doing the other things I love, such as swimming , trawling around charity shops, eating cream teas in my favourite tea-rooms. 

During my chemo I felt awful. Lost all my hair, ballooned on the steroids etc. Then discovered my husband of 20 years had been having an affair. He said he found me unattractive and needed attention from a woman. That was horrific. Now my hair has grown, although not the shoulder length it was, and I've lost the weight, he wants me back. Well dream on boy!!!

You will get your life back. Its ultimately up to us if we allow the situation to ruin our lives. I'm not prepared to allow that. Some of us are lucky and have a second chance. Once you are thru this, put it in a box and move forward a more strong woman. You will get there. You will be ok. 

Love julie x 

Hello PatsyP2, I can't really add  much to what others have said - just to say that life does return to normal once the treatment is over. I had my first breast cancer just over 22 years ago and had follow up for 10 years as I was on a drug trial . In the intervening years
normality returned but with a greater appreciation of good friends and good times. I was diagnosed again in the opposite breast just as Covid 19 arrived and after lumpectomyand radiotherapy, thankfully now only have to take Letrozole for at least 5 years possibly longer. My feelings and outlook were shaken up at first but I am now back on course to enjoy as much as I can for however long that is (74 now ! ) We are all different and so is our experience of life so there is no "right " way to cope with this disease and it's possible aftermath. Travel hopefully has become my motto and up to now it seems to be working for me. Sending you big hugs xx

@Charlieandlola.......I am so pleased to hear that things are sorting themselves out for you. You sound very strong now.You certainly had a nightmare while you were having treatment. I think you are right not to indulge your husband.........if he couldn't support you at the worst time.....he isn't worth considering now. I hope there is a supportive, helpful friend waiting just around the corner. ..........

Love Karen

Hello Karen Lacomtekp

I was à mess indeed. To be honest as weird as this is going to sound, vivid helped me get myself sorted. I had to deal with the treatment and appointments alone. I came home to my little dog, had my family and friends to facetime and message and I either sank or swam and I chose the latter. It's sad what's happened but he let me down and hurt me badly. I dont need him anymore. Lets hope he never had to deal with a diagnosis........

I dont come on here much now but I'm glad I did today and think I will more often now as alot of you really helped me.

Love julie x 

That's meant to say covid.......not vivid, predictive text

Hi Karen. And thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long, comprehensive and positive reply. I am sure it has been of help to many people.  I do agree with everything that you say and I also know people who are 20+ years past their breast cancer and others who are a few years post-treatment and all have had full and rewarding lives.

I think that my post probably came over more negatively than I actually feel. I know that my life is changing and will continue to do so. Some of those changes will definitely be for the better and I do hope that I will embrace any that initially do not appear so positive. Identifying that I am currently experiencing what feels like a period of mourning actually makes any negative feelings easier to deal with. 
I am semi-retired and will continue with my work for our own businesses so doubt there will be any change there. And much of day to day life will undoubtedly continue. 
The things that I will really miss are extensive travel and dance and exercise classes. I have already experienced the huge loss of these due to COVID, so do know how hard it is going to be. After several more months of treatment I know that I will be physically unable to do what I previously could and at my age recovering that will be very difficult. But I am sure that I will find something to fill the gap and at least yoga will still be a good option. 
I have already experienced the unexpected reaction of friends, both good and bad. Other than immediate family I have only told a few people - friends who would wonder why I was missing from classes. I did tell one very old friend and her delay and off hand way in responding was quite extraordinary!! 
Anyway thanks again. I am sure I will process all this successfully. X

Hi Debs. Thank you  How are you feeling now? Recovering from your op? Have you had your results? x