I have my post-surgery follow-up appointment tomorrow and I seem to be in more of a state about this than I was when waiting for the initial diagnosis. As I had a full node clearance I am waiting to hear how many nodes are involved, so obviously that is worrying - and as a large-ish positive node was found on ultrasound I strongly suspect there will be more. But I also seem to have got it into my head that something dramatically different - and more serious - will have been found. I know we all worry at this point and the waiting period is awful but I am quite surprised at how badly I do feel. I almost feel as if I will not be able to walk into the hospital - or if I manage that, certainly not into the consulting room. It would be good to hear from anyone who has felt this bad and how they managed to come through it.
I already know that because of the positive node I will undoubtedly be looking at chemo - and whilst the thought of that does terrify me, I believe that I have almost got my head around it and accepted that a) If it is recommended and the benefit is measurable, then of course I will do it for the sake of myself and my future and b) Although the side effects can be horrendous, some people get through easier than others. Whatever the results it is unlikely that the treatment plan will change from what I currently expect. That bit is my rational and logical self speaking!
I think that the real worry is that a worse situation than I currently know will mean a worse prognosis and a potentially higher risk of recurrence. I know that not everyone will feel like this, but I am coming to the view that I don't actually want to know the exact number of nodes affected or any percentages regarding potential recurrence or survival and if my view remains like that I will tell my surgeon that before he gives me any results. When it comes to discussing chemo I would want to know the percentage benefit in having it rather than not, but I believe that discussion will be at a meeting with the oncologist.
Writing all this down has helped a little. And for all of us knowing that we are not alone in going through these dreadful moments is of huge benefit.
