Struggling to admit to myself I’ve had cancer!

Morning 

Warm welcome to the club no one wants to join, although pleased to read you have already crawled under most of the hurdles :-/

They do say if you wake up in a boat on a river and all you can see is sand and pyramids you are in De-Nile ?

J went through the same scenario - biopsy results only an 8mm tumour, that sounded a fairly good diagnosis then they hit  us with the oh! it is HER2+ positive and for good measure it is ER/PR + positive as well 

It is so very common for you to hit a wall when the treatment comes to an end, partly because you get to realise you have just lost your NHS safety net. They take off your stabiliser wheels and leave you to wobble off towards your new normal it's understandable you will have the odd crash. All you have to do is accept the reasons behind why you are crashing 

You have been through a heck of a lot. Treatment regime for HER2+ BC is a long drawn out affair and it will take a while for you to get your head around it all.....

What helped greatly come to terms with 'The Wall' was reading a paper by Dr Peter Harvey "After the Treatment Finishes: Then What ?"

There are issues with attachments at the moment so I'll have to put the document below as text for you - So grab a cuppa and have a read through it     Hope this helps you as much as it helped us.

Best Wishes for the rest of your treatment - Hugs, G n' J

Sorry 

The remaining gremlins from the site crash Saturday won't let me add the pdf Dr Peter Harvey "After the Treatment Finishes: Then What ?"

Looks like the bug has been fixed so I'll try the clickable pdf below.

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cfs-file/__key/communityserver-discussions-components-files/38/3652.after-the-treatment-finishes_2D00_then-what.pdf

Yey! It worked 

Take Care, G n' J

Thank you for posting that paper, I have seen you post the link before but I wasn't ready to read it until now. It does help....I definitely recognise myself in there. Not so much for the 'new normal', I never really wanted to say that. I do actually feel back to normal, I feel very well and feel like I am doing things just as before....well, apart from this lockdown inconvenience obviously!! Most of the time I'm really positive. I can see, however, that I'm going through the regaining trust in my body stage, I'm over analysing a lot of things at the moment, probably because I'm coming to the first anniversary of diagnosis stage and therefore first annual checkup. It's weird that I possibly felt more positive while in active treatment, because I was getting the messages that it was going really well and my chemo results were an excellent response etc. Now, there's no news really...but hopefully that's good news! I do try to keep remembering the good messages that my oncologist and surgeon gave me and it helps.

you certainly don't have to feel like a fraud. I did pretty well throughout all my treatment and I prefer to think, not that I was ill, but I just had a few rogue cells which needed to be sorted out. Reading the article, I'm the person who now wants to put all that in a separate compartment and get on with life. My BCN is referring me for a 'Moving On' course, which usually follows the end of treatment, although I have to wait until they resume after the lockdown period. Perhaps they run something similar in your area?

Hi there.

im glad you prefer not to have been ill either. I find it very odd but even at my very worst and I was floored by the chemo I wouldn’t say I was ill. I have been doing the maggies moving on course the last 2 wks over zoom & I think that’s why I’m struggling because it’s brought it to the forefront and I can’t get my head round having to recovery. I know it sounds ridiculous but I really feel like a fraud because I have a block in admitting I’ve had cancer. Maybe if I don’t admit I’ve had it then it won’t come back! I’m angry too because I’m not physically back to normal & feel it’s my fault as I shld puss myself. I’m exhausted, in pain from my radiotherapy & walk like an old woman as my joint pain is so bad. Chemo has put me thru the menopause at 46 which I’m glad because I can get another drug to help but the hot flushes etc are driving me crazy. It’s just a pretty rubbish situation all round. I really do want to get back to normal but my body seems to have diff ideas!

thanks for your kind reply.