A year on

Hi Lucy,

yes it really does take time! I’m a year further on than you and have at last come to terms with how I am, and how I now look.
i hope that it will be similar for you, though you might benefit from some counselling or advice from your team, maybe you could phone your BCN for a chat?

I think for me it was maybe a ‘plastics’ appointment during December that helped. The surgeon said with my implant that I’m at about 90% of appearance, he could ‘tweak’ things including reducing the other side but would still only get me to around 95%, and that might involve several goes. There and then we decided it just wasn’t worth it!

i saw my own surgeon a few months later and she felt I’d made entirely the right decision and was happy for me. I think that might have been the final piece in the jigsaw, to be honest.

hope things improve for you, but please remember we are all different and all take our own path, we are here for you though, so please do keep posting.....

Hugs xxx

Hi Moomy, 

I’m due to see the plastic surgeon in June to decide what recon I might have but as I’m still in quite a bit of pain that will have to be resolved first. I think the appointment will be cancelled and realistically am now thinking I will remain as I am for another 12 months. When I saw the surgeon in feb he really impressed upon me that I should stay as I am which isn’t completely flat but looks, if I’m honest, quite ugly.  I have been thinking about what he said and whether I should do that but i find it hard to think this is how I’ll look for ever. As I said none will probably be done this year so plenty of time to decide. 

I saw a counsellor at a local cancer charity which did help a bit but was limited to 12 sessions. That finished in December and I was going to contact my BCN about seeing a psychologist but the lockdown started so thought they had too much to deal with for the moment and will contact her once things lift. 

Thank you for your reply. As much as I’m sad it takes so long to deal with, hearing from others reinforces that it’s normal, despite it feeling so difficult. Thank you again xx 

Hi again Lucy,

Sorry you’re still in pain, are you still doing those exercises? As if not maybe begin again, and take some paracetamol half an hour before starting, try at least 3 times a day.....The healing process really is a very slow one, I hadn’t realised quite how long it takes till I felt in more depth and learnt more, too. Soft tissue (which is essentially what the human breast is) takes much longer than we realise.

I learnt too that the mesh holding my implant eventually gets absorbed, I’ve quite a lump in mine which scared me rigid to start with until it was explained that it’s first cut into a rectangle (costs £3k so they cut bigger than is eventually needed so as not to waste any!) and then sewn into place. Inevitably this leads to ‘tucks’ where there is a need for a curve. That explained about the lumps I was feeling, and can feel more now that I’m pretty fully healed.

Do keep posting, it helps, honestly! And do think about asking for telephone help once this Easter weekend is over, I know counselling is far better face to face but even over the phone it will help you.....maybe call the Mac line? 

Hugs xxx

Hi Lucy51 please don't beat yourself up about anything. It is still very early days for you and anyway that shouldn't matter we were all different people before this and all handle and react different there is no right or wrong. 

Personally I fell apart after diagnosis partly due to the way things were worded and also my bond with my family i can't imagine them without me or me them 

It honestly took me two years to not have the C word in my head from morning till night and to be honest I still struggle over three years on. However it is much better now but as I had such an aggressive diagnosis i think the fear will still  be there a bit and I'll just learn to live with it  and it will be more and more a background thing 

I also had telephone counselling but again only for so many weeks through a charity. Have you tried Breast Cancer Care Someone Like Me service which matches you with somebody with similar situation to you. I used this it was very helpful the lady rang me every month for about six months  

I had a mastectomy and was going to have an Implant but have decided against it. My surgeon was very positive about it but as I'd had radiotherapy I was a bit concerned. I decided i was too big a worrier so have left it and as I'm small busted am happy with my prosthesis.

I wish I could hug you and help you more I just want to say mainly don't be hard on yourself this is a huge trauma for anyone and you're perfectly normal ! I think the biggest thing that's helped me is time. Pm me if you ever need xx

Hi Optimistic, 

thank you for your lovely reply. I’m sorry you had such an aggressive diagnosis, that must’ve been very frightening for you. I think for me things were underplayed so I thought it was very minor until I was told I needed a mastectomy, that was the bombshell I couldn’t believe. I’d seen the mammogram with these tiny calcification spots so couldn’t understand why I needed such a drastic op. It was several phone calls later to the BCN’s when one finally explained that I had DCIS and 20mm grade 2 invasive ductal carcinoma which I finally understood the seriousness of it. 

I think from diagnosis to end of treatment (11 weeks) I was in complete shock and that made post treatment so difficult. I didn’t find it easy to talk to people as I didn’t want to burden them with it and now 12 months on its very difficult to bring it up. I have just started to speak to a lady through Someone Like Me which has been a huge help. We started talking originally about reconstruction but have so many other similarities that I am finding it really helpful talking to her. 

Its very helpful being able to talk to people on here when I’m having a day where it all feels too hard. Thank you again and I wish I could hug you back for your kindness xx 

Hi Lucy, 

Yes, please don't feel you're failing, to be diagnosed with cancer in itself is a deep shock which takes a long time to process. And if you haven't felt able to talk about this at the time, then that makes it doubly hard to venture into talking about how you feel a year on. Honestly folk simply think you're over it, whereas you cry inside each and every time you catch sight of yourself. 

Wish, like Optimistic I could give you a real live hug, but instead, it has to be a virtual one....

Hugs xxx

Thank you so much  Moomy xx 

Hi 

Today I plucked up the courage to ask my BCN for a referral to see the Psycologist as I don’t feel things are going to improve without some help. Also listening to the advice I have been given here. The lady I’ve spoken to from Someone Like Me suggested it as it had helped her. The last few days have been really difficult, I just feel very sad and when I started crying last night it didn’t stop. 

As the lady I’ve been talking to suggested I was very honest and explained how I’m feeling, it’s a combination of things and how nothing has really changed. I told her I’d had some sessions with the cancer charity but 4 months on and I’m back to how I was. She explained the hospital aren’t taking any referrals as they’re so backlogged, I completely understand that and was happy there wasn’t anything else she could do. However she then said a psychologist wouldn’t help me as I’ve already had counselling which didn’t work (it wasn’t a psychologist though), crying as I have been isn’t right and is a sign something is wrong and I need to see the Gp for antidepressants. Then in 4-6 weeks if I’m no better call her again.

I’ve had some antidepressants as painkillers for the mastectomy pain which didn’t help either the pain or my mood. I didn’t like feeling so sluggish and struggled to wake up in the mornings and ended up missing an appointment. I’ve been reluctant to use them and my question is, can you recover without them? Is seeing a psychologist pointless for me? Pills are usually  the first thing people suggest, as they don’t know what else to say so I don’t feel I can talk to family & friends as I know what they think. I also feel they’re frustrated with me and don’t think I’m doing everything to help myself if I don’t have them. 

I wanted to ask what people who know think and whether I’m wrong and should do as the nurse said? Xx 

Hi Lucy,

I would guess you had Amitryptilline? It’s often used as an extra to painkillers as it seems to increase their effect. However it does give a bit of a hangover! It’s actually quite an old antidepressant and there are others which don’t give that hang over feeling so much. I would think it might be well worth asking for something to help you, remembering it takes a full 2 weeks to begin helping.

I'm sorry they felt that you wouldn’t get access to psychology help, as in my experience (I was an OT before retiring) I would have thought that perhaps some techniques they could use would really help you. 

in the meantime don’t forget we are here for you too, yell, scream, rant, whatever you need to do, it seems as if you’re a bit stuck in a cycle of finding it hard to cope. 

Hugs xxx

Hi Lucy51, 

I have been finding finishing treatment difficult. It’s as if I have finally allowed myself to think about what I have been through whereas up until now I was going appointment to appointment. It has floored me to be honest, so I can understand how you feel.

I don’t agree that a psychologist wouldn’t be able to help, I think it would be good to see one who specialised in oncology as they would have more understanding of what you have been through. Counselling and other talking therapies can be really helpful too and there are different techniques, it’s not a one size fits all approach. If you are finding talking with the lady from Someone Like Me is helping, then talking therapies could well be useful for you. If you want to see a psychologist, then keep asking. It might be that speaking to your GP could put a referral through for you, or advise you of support whilst you are waiting.

Have you read the Peter Harvey article about finishing treatment? I read it the other day for the first time and it made so much sense. 

Take care x