Irrational anger with loved ones

Welcome and you are not alone.  You are angry with the universe and whole family and friends think being positive and business as usual is the best way to help you is so irritating as it feels like they are trivialising your cancer.  It’s a huge deal being told you have cancer even though for breast cancer the prognosis is very good for the majority.   You have to let them know you are struggling.  Next time they ask how you are don’t say fine.  Say ‘well actually I feel physically quite well but mentally I’m struggling.  Hearing the C word has freaked me out and it’s consuming my thoughts day and night.  I’m struggling to sleep and I’m angry that I’m in this position.  I’m sorry if I’m not great company but I really need to allow myself to come to terms with my diagnosis. I know treatment is effective but the worry is still there.’  Then thank them for listening and say how good it is to open up.  Even have a little cry.  Try to stop them interjecting and stop trying to make them feel better about your diagnosis.  This is your grieving time for your old  pre cancer life.  You will have a good post cancer life but it will change you xx  

Yep, totally get this. I was really angry, especially with my Mum who went down the “stiff upper lip” route. Most of my friends I just ignored and spent time on my own because they annoyed me. Nobody, it seems, wants to let you talk about cancer. It makes them uncomfortable and they want to somehow fix it” and make it all ok. Sometimes it comes across like they just want you to shut up about it. I echo the excellent advice you’ve already had to explain what you actually need in terms of emotional support because I think most people have no idea what to say or do and end up saying all those irritating platitudes. You’ve also got us lot on here who “get it” and maybe try to find a friend at a support group or something that understands what you are describing.

Much love M X 

Thank you, that’s really useful! It’s just hard to find the words to reply as I feel that I don’t want to become a burden or put a downer on their day so I usually just respond with ‘I’m fine’ then get angry when they can’t read my mind that I’m not fine :/ (that’s the irrational part and I know it is but I just can’t seem to help my feelings. I’ll try explaining myself a little better - thanks again! 

Owwwww Hello and welcome to the group that no one wants to join.

I had surgery with combined radiotherapy followed by Letrozole..... well, here we go.....

I am.... actually 'was' very quiet, a person that hardly ever lost there temper and never in public (hmm help hahaha - you see how things can change), a yes person and do what others want to before my own needs and then bam.... you get this diagnosis!!

Your life has changed, the person you was gone, no time to grieve for lady you was - you have now been pushed onto the rollercoaster ride, no ticket - just pushed on to the ride.  The first week of waiting I was so up and down, I remember my husband saying he would take me to the local shopping centre to look for some front fastening bras. What a strange expericence this was looking back at this time.  I got out of our car, went to walk to the shop - people rushing passed in front of me, behind me, everywhere - whilst I seemed to be walking in slow motion to the point I wanted to stop, in my head I was shouting..... look at you all rushing about, don't you know I've got 'C'!!! (I didn't do this, but so wanted to, it such a horrible experience), I said to my husband, I'm sorry, Im going back to the car - I can't do this yet.

Moving forward; the slightest thing can tip me over the edge and my goodness I am now the hulk..... the following might help you, it might let you realise you are normal, its all part of our coping mechanism...

Last week, my other half said something so trivial about wanting something done (that's how trivial it was I can't even remember at the moment what it was) all I know was, I said in calm controlled massively angry voice 'and what are you going to do about it, I will continue to do this and more so don't you dare tell try not to (think it might of been about having the cat in the kitchen .... if you're reading this JMP he was moaning about Baxter being in the kitchen and the house door been closed). Well I hit the roof, so uncalled for, anyway he went on and I walked out of the living room and slammed the door closed behind me .... slammed... massively slammed the door! He shout that I can stop doing that too....  (owww where as this come from) I go back into the living room and said 'if I want to slam the door I will end of'.  It like I have become the Hulk willing to take anyone on - so crazy.......

are you ready for this...... then its .... lets say, half an hour or so later.... I say calm like nothing as happened....'do you want a cup of tea' hahahaha owwww (in our house the offer of a cup of tea was always the truce/makeup sign after a falling out).

Truthfully, no one knows what this is like until you have heard "that" word!! I do think they don't understand, my told me the day my surgery was done 'thats it, you're all good now' - I know he means well, but, its not the like that there is so much more that comes with this.  

I believe with time you will feel more comfortable about it all, until then, in all honesty don't think what they think or how they feel or if they don't ask - they don't understand and expect life to go back to how it was..... as we all know on here, that will never happen, we have to learn to like the new girl - the new girl that now stands up for herself and stands tall - its the only way.

I hope this helps - you are normal xxx

(I started this 3 hours ago - went to the loo and forgot all about it arrrghhhh ) 

I've got to put this link on to this song, I first heard it when I started this shitty journey. Whenever I went to talk to other half about it, I did feel it was 'oww here she goes again'.

Oww and friends, I only had one friend that I classed as my true friend from back at school - we have gone though some really good times together.... she said at the time 'she was busy sorting out her life and would (get this....) RSVP me  when she was more settled!!

I hope this works....

Remember... you won't always feel like this  xxx

I am loving this thread and can so relate to all you are saying. «Do you want a cup of tea ? » is our truce sign too !! I have become overly sensitive to people who just want to rattle on about themselves and their kids and their wonderful lives ... so dull ! Me me me. Not that I want to talk about myself all the time, I don’t.  It has been a real journey of discovery about who I want to spend time with and who is good company that I am looking for right now. I really liked what someone said about grieving for the person we used to be. There is such a definite line between before my mammo and after, when all hell seemed to let loose. Life changed in an instant and I am not the person I was before that moment. I really wish I could be, but I can’t. I am feeling extra angry now because post-mastectomy, I am now on hormone therapy which is making me feel like sh*t - no energy, aching legs and knees and I am terrified of putting back on all the weight that I lost post diagnosis (shallow maybe ? But a vey welcome boost at the time when everything else was so awful !!). I feel like I have aged 30 years all due to a tablet that is supposed to be helping. I said to my hubby last night, in one of my Mr Angry moments - they have taken away my boob, wasn’t that enough ? Not sure who the « they » is ... but it just feels like so much anger is inside me and sometimes, I just want to scream. Woe betide anyone who has the misfortune to say to me it is all over now and I can get back to normal !!

Great song WhatHappened Thanks for posting it. The feeling of not wanting to burden others is very strong, isn’t it ?

I can so relate to these threads. I got really angry with my partner and sister for telling me just to be positive. Your cancer is gone now. Arrragh! Just go for walks, focus on something else, be more positive. Like being negative got me cancer in first place.  I reacted like the 'hulk, i replied how the f... would you know you've not had cancer. I am entitled to my feelings they are valid and not irrational.  I'm 6 months on and still find, many people irritating so much so, ive been hibernating quite alot. It's the emotional journey that's quite hard. You find yourself burying your own sense of being to make your friends and family feel better. Just because the initial battle is over the war still continues. But everyone thinks that war has been won and they all go home.

Being a happy camper is just bloody exhausting x accepting the new version of you is a process ...it takes time. 

Let me have my time, my moments, irrational or not. I had cancer...end of. Xx

I feel so relieved that this seems to be a ‘normal’ part of the process for some of us. I say ‘normal’ as everyone responds differently to everything. 
I can’t stand the ‘just be positive’ comments. I also had leukaemia when I was a child so I also get the ‘you’ve beaten this before!’ comments which are equally irritating. 
I had a go at my partner yesterday because he didn’t invite me to a weekend away with his family (probably because I wouldn’t go as I’ve already told him I wanted a quiet weekend) but I was still irrationally angry that they didn’t ask me and felt so alone (and although I would never admit it but secretly angry that he wasn’t staying with me). My partner said he didn’t know how to handle it so keep it it quiet to spare my feelings but hurt my feelings even more so in doing that. It’s hard to be logical and rational when you have a million things to think about and try to have some sort of control over your feelings. This post is helping so thank you everyone! X

I can so relate to this to, what an excellent thread. 

The keep strong stay positive let's kick " C " butt. Comments drive me insane.

Whose staying strong , whose staying positive and whose going to kick its butt. 

Its ME !!  I'm the one whose had 2 surgeries in a month , whose had more tests than I care to mention , who cant stop thinking about the what ifs,  waiting for results , facing 4 months of chemo and what that brings then comes rads and then hormone all equally terrifying and carrying side effects. Its ME !!! 

I realise my family and friends just want to keep my spirits up and I'm sure they too are going though some trauma over my diagnosis.  I feel guilty for causing them this pain. But I also know after all the treatment is done with they will expect me to go back to normal. What ever that's going to be. Like everyone else as said.

Wow !! That felt good to rant

Fantastic song on the thread too.