Diagnosed

Hi Kazza57, I’m feeling the same..I was diagnosed with invasive Ductal carcinoma on the 21/1/20 and have told hardly anybody apart from a few close friends and my children and just like you I’m telling them I’m fine and all is ok when in truth I’m terrified! It’s just hard to know what to do isn’t it..feel like we have to be the strong ones to stop family/friends worrying so much 

Hi Kazza57

Sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis but you have come to the right place for support and advice if you need it. Its all such a such when you get the dreaded news, it is hard to share the news with others but can sometimes help to talk about it with your closest friends and family.Your going to feel scared , a lot of us have been where you are now. Don't go looking on google, its the worst thing you can do, the information on there is not always accurate. Contact the Breast Care Team if you want to know more about your diagnosis or ask us all the questions you like as I guarantee someone on this site will have the same diagnosis. Have you had a treatment plan yet? The waiting is the worse Feel free to read our profiles on this site. I am 7months post op (mastectomy) , taking hormone tablets now , you will get there , you are stronger than you think.

Keep us posted how you get on.

Rita

Hi Kazza57, Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

I was diagnosed last 11/12/2019 and knew the detail about my cancer only Jan 16. Grade 2, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma ER PR positive HER2 negative. It was the worst, affectionate Christman ever had. So I chose not to share the diagnostic with people I know and trust in my feelings for the moment to talk.

However, with this limit number of people a told; 8 in total; I very open how I felt about my cancer situation -  shock it, afraid, angry for not be able to do much. Because of this have been hard to talk and expose myself. Still, I've promised to past for this Gentilly and with tenderness there I can. Includes with me!

So, I've used what my nurse said, the marketing feedback technic and the little questions (The questions have in the Macmillan site I choose 4 to ask for all people a told I have cancer) to keep us together. 

It's functioning well for me in this "start". 

The nurse said: people cope differently, give them this they on space for it, but they want to help you. (we are your people, we want to participate in the hard moments too! my husband told me this!)

The marketing tactic is Sandwich: Soft - hard - soft.

Start soft, explain - tell them, they may feel some concern or discomfort after what you have to say, but they'll feel much close, helping you and you appreciate total honesty. Then, the tell-all hard part, and don't be afraid to cry. Soft again - asking how they feel about and how they see you; this is the better part for me, will come to you great comment sometimes hugs, don't worry even between tear its okay. (I joke with this because someone always finishes with panda eyes in my case).

Today I've my initial plan and receive the info for my surgery. I was the only one there but not feeling alone. I've calls asking how everything went before and after the appointment, how I felt, how they felt about it. It's positive learning, and we all are afraid together about the next steps and keeping a positive way to deal with it.

So, I wish this could help in someway and I'm here!

Hugs 

Hi  &  just wanted to share how I’ve handled things in the hope that it might help you along the journey... my learning curve started a few years ago when a colleague of mine went through treatment with her husband who had been diagnosed with prostate cancer... he was having blood tests for other things, hadn’t had any symptoms but asked while they were at it if they’d do the test & it came back positive! From the beginning their mantra was ‘it is what it is, I can’t change it, so... one day at a time’... I experienced what they went through while walking alongside them & I learned a lot about exactly what that saying means... it is literally taking everything one step at a time & not allowing yourself to run ahead & worry about what might be but just deal with the here & now & the facts as they stand today - if things change tomorrow then that’s to be dealt with tomorrow not today... & that’s exactly what happened with them... things changed... from one step to another... but they learned that was ok as long as you just deal with the here & now. On day one of my diagnosis I was told they had found cancer & then went on to say ‘would you like us to explain what we know at the moment?’ That’s all they can do & all you can do is deal with this moment... they went on to explain what they thought would happen next & a bit further down the line but stressed that things may change as things move along & just as they did for my colleague they have for me but that’s been ok because I was anticipating that being the case & just going with the flow so when things changed it was a case of reminding myself that that’s what I’d been told might happen... eventually you come to a place of acceptance that even the consultants are not all knowing & that’s why things change as things progress because they’re learning as they go along - about what’s happening in each individual case I mean not that they’re ‘learning’ lol! So that said... I’ve done exactly the same when telling people about my diagnosis... explained what we know so far, what’s likely up ahead but that it might change depending what each step shows. Saying it out loud the first time is the hardest but it gets easier as you do it. I found the more people I told the easier it got to the point that it’s then out in the open & it’s not a secret, it doesn’t have to be hidden & it’s okay to talk about it & ask questions. Probably one of the most difficult has been my son who is 19... obviously he doesn’t want the details but I have told him the basics & told him repeatedly that if he has questions he’s to ask me & not to dwell on them... it’s ok to talk & if we talk it’s not so big as keeping quiet. He hasn’t asked much & that’s fine but as long as he asks me what he needs to then it’s all good. I’d already told those close to me that I was having a lump checked out prior to it happening so they were already waiting to hear the results. For me, I’ve had numerous lumps checked out over the years with never anything untoward but this time it seemed different & I actually wasn’t surprised in the least when they told me I had cancer... that might sound weird but I have a really good gut instinct & there were a number of clues that things were different this time... just things that were said/done & even things that weren’t said that made me convinced from my first mammogram appointment that this was the route I was headed... I have learned to trust my gut instinct over the years & so I guess I had pretty much prepared myself for the result before it happened... I’d just like to add here that I used to be a worrier but I learned so much from the saying & watching somebody else put that into action & I know for a fact that stood me in good stead for what I’m managing to go through now with a calmness I've never ever know before in my life... it’s well worth pondering on, believe me. I also prepared my three children in advance (daughters 29 & 25 & son 19) by telling them that even if I was diagnosed with cancer we would deal with it... one day at a time... & that’s what we are doing. That’s so interlinked with telling other people how you’re feeling which is why I’m stressing it. Other people do want to be able to support you & they can only do that if you tell them... I’ve said it as it is then added but it’s ok it’s being dealt with... it is what it is, I can’t change it, so... one day at a time... only once have my thoughts run away with me when I was messaging a friend great swathes of panicked ‘what if’s’ etc & she just replied with ‘what happened to one day at a time?’ That was sufficient to stop me in my tracks, re-evaluate where I’d just headed & gather myself back to my place of stability in a situation of instability... if I’d not told her she wouldn’t have been able to help me in that moment of panic & bring me back to that place... it’s good to talk & share & be open & honest... it helps. Ask yourself if you would want to know & have the opportunity to support any person you know if they found themselves in your position... I know I would... even if that’s just an odd text to say you’re thinking of them - it all helps... I just want to encourage you to be brave & be honest & allow yourself to let people know about this mountain that you’re climbing & allow them to support you As you would want to support them if the tables were turned... my colleagues husband was initially told surgery should be sufficient to cure the problem but eventually he ended up needing chemo & further down the line he also ended up having radiotherapy as well... it was a very long & drawn out process but his last few 3 monthly blood tests have come back clear so despite the ups & downs they’ve come out the other side... by taking one day at a time! I was told I’d need surgery to both breasts followed by radiotherapy definitely on the right & the left was at that time undecided. I’ve just had my third surgery since 05.12.19 so not quite as things were initially hoped they would be... I may yet have to have a mastectomy if my next set of results on the 20th aren’t clear but it’s ok... it is what it is, I can’t change it, so... one day at a time... initially I thought I’d go back to work after my first surgery & before radiotherapy... I’ve been off since the 5th December & now I’m not intending to go back until post radiotherapy... but that’s ok too... one day at a time... I know it sounds flippant to say try not to worry but worry only serves to rob you of your inner peace... it’s only natural to have moments of feeling overwhelmed & scared but try to give the ‘one day at a time’ thing a go... but make sure to say it to others too & out loud... the more you say it the easier it gets - honestly - I’m proof of that! People closest to me keep saying they can’t believe the way I’m handling all of this... neither can I! If I can help even just one person to feel a bit calmer by sharing this then it was worth sharing... I truly hope my words of encouragement will help as many people as possible...

Lottsa love to all who are struggling with this journey we are all on... all slightly different but all equally big mountains we are all climbing... BUT... one day at a time... x

Hi Nanny Dooie,

thankyou so much for your words of encouragement, things actually don’t seem so overwhelming if you concentrate on one day at a time and deal with each thing that comes your way then move on to the next. I had a lumpectomy yesterday along with node removal so have to wait for results next week, think the waiting is the hardest part in all this as so much goes through your mind. I haven’t told many people, just a few close friends, my 2 children (27 & 30) and brother and his wife as I don’t really know what to say..I haven’t told my mum as she was knocked down in a hit and run last January and has a degree of brain damage and is currently back in hospital after a few falls and problems but will do when I know more and what’s going to happen. Sometimes I feel like we have to be the strong ones while everyone falls apart around you..I will take on board everything you’ve said and thankyou for taking the time to share your story. Best wishes for your ongoing treatment and take care.

Hello again  , you’re very welcome :-) Exactly that! I’ve only relatively recently learned how to do that myself, I have to admit, as I’ve always been somebody who would race ahead with ‘yeah but, what if...’ with everything, no matter what it is! Always had a need to dot every ‘i’ & cross every ‘t’ & ‘plan’ EVERYTHING to the hilt! You can’t do that with what we’re going through! Interestingly I haven’t found the waiting to be an issue so far despite everybody around me forlornly saying ‘the waiting is so hard’! I’ve looked upon it as my opportunity to recover from what I’ve just been through & allow those doing the testing to spend the time they need working everything out to determine the results so we can then work out the next course of action. I had a new found appreciation of what goes on behind the scenes when my surgeon said he’d given the ‘testers’ (not sure what they’re official title is) eleven separate samples to test the margins of & to create a map of their findings & the reams of results listed on the screen in front of us went on forever - fortunately it made much more sense to him than it did to me! I think we don’t always truly consider what goes on behind the scenes & in this world where everybody has learned they can have everything instantly it’s become so much harder when we have to wait for something... but some things just can’t be rushed. I’ve also felt that using the time to recover properly means I’m in a better place, physically & mentally, to face the next bit & that wouldn’t have been the case if I’d gone back sooner. 
With regard to what to say to people... I just decided to say it... as it is... in general conversation when somebody asked how I was or was telling me something about themselves or somebody else I’d take the opportunity to say something along the lines of “Well unfortunately I’ve recently been diagnosed with breast cancer which isn’t great but at this stage they’re telling me it’s grade 1 & very treatable & the bottom line is ‘it is what it is, I can’t change it, so... one day at a time!’ That’s all I can do” I would then go on to say I need to have surgery followed by radiotherapy etc & give them an overview so they’re aware of what’s happening & I found if I did the talking in that way then on the whole they didn’t have the opportunity to be maudlin because I was ‘going in there’ with my spin on it which I hope helped them not to feel despondent etc... at one stage I was told after they’d done an MRI of my boobs that they’d spotted something on my liver so I then had to have an ultrasound followed by an MRI of my liver & my sister who was at the appointment with me was more panicked about that than I was & I ended up comforting her momentarily! I quickly took her back to ‘one step at a time’ & told her I was pleased they were being thorough & I wasn’t going to panic over something that might turn out to be nothing - thankfully it turned out to be nothing to be concerned about! Lesson learned & point proved :-) One day at a time! Of late I’ve also learned that the more you practice positive thinking the easier it becomes & the more you do it. Eventually you start to see the positive first where once you’d have seen the negative first... there’s always a silver lining... just that sometimes you have to look for it but it is there... your outlook will have a massive impact on those around you & vice versa so if you can be positive it’ll help those around you to also be positive which in turn will help you - especially in moments of doubt or panic or when you feel overwhelmed... which undoubtedly you will at times but it is possible to make those times the exception rather than the rule... I am living proof of that! I’m even surprising myself on a daily basis with my attitude! :-) 
Oh golly, I fully understand you not telling your mum yet... what a horrible situation :-/ but... as you say, gather your info & be prepared with what you’re going to say & when it comes to it keep it positive & I’m sure that will help her to process the news & deal with it as best she can. 
With regard to feeling the need to be the strong one... I disagree! If you can’t lean on others when you’ve been diagnosed with cancer then there’s something adrift... this is your time... you must do what you need to do for you, take the time you need... & allow others to support you on this journey... however they can only do that if they know what you’re going through... I want to encourage you to tell more people... even if it’s only a select few... if they don’t know they can’t support you... would you want to know if it was them?! Would you be hurt if they hadn’t told you & allowed you the opportunity to support them?! There’s always two sides to everything... let them in... you need them... even if you think you don’t! This is big... it’s do-able but it is big... share & allow others to be there for you :-) I also believe keeping it quiet keeps it secret & makes it bigger than it is/needs to be... sharing it normalises it & stops it being the elephant in the room! 
Haha, you will have noticed I don’t have an issue sharing! In fact I’d have to say I find writing really helps me to re-affirm for myself everything I’m trying to encourage you with so it’s good all round :-) Thank you for your best wishes, much appreciated :-) Keep us posted on how things are going & take good care of yourself but more importantly let others start to take care of you too... x

Hi there, Sorry to hear that! It is really to cop up with such kind of trauma when you hear something like that. But I'll suggest you share your disease with your family. So that they can support you mentally as well as in other aspects. They will become your backbone so don't be scared and just tell them.

There are so many treatment options available to treat cancer including surgery, therapies( hormone therapy, radiation therapy and chemotherapy) depends on the stage of cancer.

I hope you will recover soon after treatment. But it is very important to tell your family about cancer.

can I also say after reading your profile info... I totally understand you being in shock especially as you were being checked out for something totally unrelated but thank goodness they did pick it up when they did as now you can receive the treatment you need before it’s progressed further... it would have been a whole other story if it had remained undiagnosed... & there’s that silver lining I was talking about... it truly is a terribly difficult thing to have to go through but I for one am so thankful that we have the knowledge & tests available to us in order to be able to deal with these things... I often counter people when they talk about the prevalence of cancer ‘these days’ & point out that the chances are cancer is no more prevalent than it’s ever been but simply that we are better at diagnosing & therefore treating it than ever before... it’s always been there... just a question of how many people were diagnosed too late or died not even knowing that was why they were ill in days gone by?!
High five to all the Drs & nurses & researchers doing their bit for us - how awesome are they all?! Wow... feeling all emotional now & it’s not even 8am!!!  

Hi can I ask is the info on your profile recent? I often find it difficult on people’s profiles to determine whether the info is current if it’s not dated but it’s not obvious that dating it is useful when you’re new on here - it didn’t dawn on me initially! If it is recent then I hope the fact that you’re now on here will mean that you will soon start to feel less alone... :-) My diagnosis is different from yours so I’m probably limited in how I could help you in terms of your treatment but I’m sure there are plenty of people on here who better understand your diagnosis & would be happy to discuss the treatment you’ll be faced with... that said I’m happy to help you along the way in any other way if I’m able to :-) I don’t like the idea of people feeling alone... I’m quite fortunate in that I know several people personally who have already been where I am so they’ve been a great help already but I do find this a good place to come to too x

Hi

No it is a bit old now. I have had 3 rounds of chemo so far. I will update it. 

thank you for your support