Relationships

MP...I am sorry you feel like this ....you are looking at something that might not happen. 

Have there been other events in your lives that needed his support , that leads you to imagine this will happen ? Sometimes we ask too much of one person , do you think that if he is good at all the physical stuff , you could find emotional support with friends and family ? I live alone and my friends have been great .......

I understand that you say things were rocky before , and it is true that you are facing some difficult days ....have you started treatment yet ? Be aware that if you are given steroids they affect your mood . 

There is a forum for friends and family too , which might help , 

i really hope you can find some resolution to this , without it being too stressful , look after yourself in the meantime  and best wishes  x

,

Im so sorry you are going through this, the cancer journey is hard enough.

Most men aren’t good at expressing their emotions, I Hope you can work through this together.

Take care x 

The one thing I’ve come to accept after being married for 36 years to the same man is that his brain and mine operate in a completely different way ! When faced with a problem like my cancer diagnosis he has shifted into practical mode just like your husband,  It’s his way of showing his love for me. As for being there for me emotionally, he simply doesn’t react to things in the same way as me, it’s not that he doesn’t care but sees his role as providing stability in a rocky situation. So I look elsewhere for extra emotional support and have come to value and appreciate the practical support that my husband works very hard to provide. We are all a product of our upbringing, genes and environment and our coping mechanisms will reflect that so sometimes people just aren’t able to express their emotions in the way we would like but provide support in a different way. This is a subject my husband and I have discussed and this has helped me not take his approach to things personally. I hope this helps.

best wishes 

jane.

Hi 

You say that your relationship was rocky prior to diagnosis, but could this perhaps be the thing that brings you back together rather than the opposite?  The reason I say this is because like others have mentioned, many men are absolutely appalling at the emotional side of things... I met my chap in 2014 just after my Mum died, then I lost 4 other close members of my family and finally my Dad in less than 2 years. When my nephew died, he got so drunk and made it all about him and his recent divorce.  Then I was diagnosed with an MRSA infection 3 months after my Dad died, I was allowed to have nursing staff come to my home for 2 weeks and give me IV antibiotics/monitor my sats rather than being in hospital.  He complained that it was 'inconvenient that these people were in and out of my house all the time and we couldn't plan to go out without having to be back by such and such a time' etc. Then, when I got diagnosed with breast cancer, his first words were "imagine having it in your nuts" and told other people before I'd even had chance to digest it myself!

However, although he is the most self-centred man on earth, the one thing about my diagnosis that I have learned is to enjoy life.  He is 150% self-centred, but is great fun - always wanting to be out and about, loves travelling, going out for meals, concerts etc. etc.  My brother's wife died of breast cancer and the 3 of us go on holidays together which he never complains and enjoys my brother's company as much as I do... many men/women wouldn't accept going on holiday with their partner's sibling.

So, I made the decision to ignore his selfish behaviour and know that it's pointless even dwelling on it and he will NEVER be able to support me emotionally/I can't change him/ it's not just me he's like it with.  His daughter split with her boyfriend of 8 years and was devastated - he texted her and said "better to happen now than later - get over it"....it took a while before she spoke to him again!, .... Some men are just like that I guess and by ignoring it, I don't let it upset me and enjoy the fun times and rely on others for emotional support.

If you can accept that this is what they are like and focus on the "good behaviour" - i.e. him looking after your physical needs, then can you cope and live like that?  It probably isn't the best time to be making any massive decisions when you are vulnerable is it?

Kindest wishes,

Hi ....

I can feel every sentence of your post.

a close relative to me is exactly the same,and I have to say,it has been hard.

but now he has cancer himself,and I can’t but love him and want to help.

people are people,and I don’t want to sound pious,but I am glad now that I never cut him off.He has very few other people.

I also don’t want to sound self-centered,but I can only wish for someone who could physically help me,in many areas.

to have that would mean the world to me.Men are closed up emotionally ,in general,I think.But you perhaps you could find another source of emotional help.(i.e.,Macmillan,friends and relatives who can,counselling,maybe...etc etc)

please don’t put your relationship to a test it might not be able to withstand.I do hope it can.

I don’t know you,and forgive me if I have said anything wrong,but I am sure you will get my meaning Xxx

Hi

A diagnosis of Cancer is enough to test any relationship as it blows the mind, particularly in the early weeks/months following diagnosis. Unless you've personally had the diagnosis, I don't think even a partner can truly understand the range of emotions and utter despair that follows the diagnosis. It is hard and working on a relationship that may be struggling is using more energy that you feel you don't have.  Life is never easy, and in a relationship I truly believe one person always gives more than the other, that's been my experience.  Hang on in there and give it time.

Best Wishes.