Loved ones' strange reaction

Hi, when i went for my mamograms and so on most of my family and friends thought it would be nothing and that everything would be fine i think its because you never expect it to happen to you. Ive had lumpoctomy and 3 lymphnodes removed on june 15th, i went back on monday for results and he said i have clear margins and my lymphnodes were ok, i have to have 15 sessions of radiotherapy, i see the consultant tommorow but not sure yet when i start the treatment. I have found this site so helpful and the people on it for advice on things i wasnt sure about, and to talk to people about things you dont want to talk to people close to you about. I wish you lots of luck, keep in touch and let me know how things go x

Hi - interesting name!! First, welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. We are a pretty friendly bunch in here, and there is usually someone around to answer questions or lend a shoulder and give you a hug.

Your family's reaction is not unusual, it is hard to come to terms with a cancer diagnosis and often people will almost ignore it in the hope it's not real. They will each come to terms with it in their own way and time. Not that that makes it any easier for you!! My office manager was a bit like that, even having had BC herself!! Can you talk with them about it?

My hubby unfortunately really struggled with it, and fell apart more than once. I think I spent more time holding everyone else together than anything else.

Is your husband coming to appointments with you? It is a good idea to have someone else there, as a lot of what they tell you will get lost in the fog. Another pair of ears (even a notepad!) is helpful to make sure you get everything. The waiting is the worst. Try not to worry too much (although you will - but try to contain it some), and keep busy while you wait for all the tests. And please do come back, so we can support you whatever happens. Breast cancer is very treatable these days, and the vast majority of women go on to live many good years!

And you probably need a really big hug!! xx

Hi, I'm fairly new to this too, and just had my 3rd chemotherapy session (surgery and radiotherapy lie ahead). My family reactions have varied over time and from person to person. Especially as they've seen me change through treatment (losing hair and energy).

It took time even for me to start to comprehend this and I still vary with my emotions day to day (today was not a good day for the lady from CAMHS to tell me they can't offer support for my son restarting school at 13 after exclusions - think she wished I didn't answer the phone).

Be patient with them and yourself, it really is an unexpected journey x

Gillian 

People are odd, aren't they?  Perhaps they know someone that had it and didn't have any issues, or they saw something on TV and everyone continued as normal?  

You just have to put a smiley face on and go along with it, because unless they've been there, they don't get it.  You can vent your feelings here!

Hello, what you have experienced echoes my own experience. Friends, family, neighbours and colleagues all seemed desperate for it not to be happening and their own fear and upset prompted a kind of fake 'everything's fine' approach. As the centre of the cancer storm it felt like my duty to forge forward with a brave face and join in with minimising what was happening.

I totally understand people's need to believe we will be fine but at times their inability to understand our awful reality can leave us very lonely, very isolated.

I'm a year on from treatment and although those around me need life to get back to normal (and for the most part it has) it is still early days for me and a level of concern always sits at the back of my mind. 

A cancer diagnosis forces you to face your own mortality and as a result you lose a kind of innocence, I don't think it's possible to really understand this as an onlooker but here you will always find someone who gets where you're at.x

Thanks for all the replies.

Tomorrow i have my first appointment at the Macmillan unit and then Wednesday I have an appointment to discuss the results of the second biopsy and the ct scan.  I'm scared but family are like "you'll be fine" and "we'll deal with whatever we're told".  Who's this "we"!  I feel so alone with my emotions.

I've had colon cancer, just had surgery, nothing else, and I think they all think she got through that so she'll get through this, and I'm sure I will. 

I think that maybe the way they are treating this news is making me more stubborn to deal with it all on my own and maybe that's exactly the way it's meant to be.

I'll just moan and whinge to all of you instead xxxx

Hi. I can remember when I was diagnosed my KIDS but 1were in bits I was the only one not crying. Every app I went to I took one of the older kids 18.19 23.24.and 38 the other 3 were a little young to understand. I guess my positive thought paterns helped(I wanted to fall apart some times)my 24 year old would laugh and joke about the big C. He would have us all laughing even when my hair fell out and I was walking around like a 90 year old after each round chemo. I think families stay strong and positive for us they react in different ways. Lots of hugs being sent to you xxxxx

I think you're probably right, the way others react tends to push you to a place of "I'll deal with this alone" and to some degree it is you and you alone who is going through this terrible, frightening time but as time progresses you may find yourself needing at least some practical help from those around you and sometimes that helps them too.

I think watching someone you love go through the rigors of cancer treatment and feeling powerless to do anything is it's own desperately scary experience so being able to do something practical feels like they're doing something.

As a society we are generally rubbish at recognising the value of just allowing someone to be scared or angry or hopeless about their diagnosis without trying to tell them it's going to be ok. Sometimes we don't feel it's going to be OK and don't want to put on a brave face.

It is okay to not feel OK, it is okay to feel scared. It is okay to feel a bit pissy with people who are trying to wrap up your cancer diagnosis with a neat bow. We know they are only trying to help but it's still OK to feel annoyed.

Will be thinking of you as you move forward with your results.x

My eldwr son and my sister love abroad. They're the closest to me and I feel helpless without them. Now I depend on random help and support from my younger son and husband. When I collapse they also do. with time I realised that they equally need support. It don't get enough making me vulnerable. The trouble is that my cancer is untreatable so there is no end to this. Always remember that our loved ones also need support. They are not as devastated as us but they are in immense pain and agony. It's a viscous circle that needs to. E broken 

That is so true Baki. After 7 years of non-stop treatment, I decided to go for counselling at the hospital's Macmillan centre. Whilst I found it useful, my husband, who came with me, got an awful lot from the session. In fact, he talked more than I did!

The counsellor gave me his details, and we can contact him at any time to arrange more visits.