AWAKE.........

moomy hope the camping is going well. I wish the weather would pick up.

Northerner those clouds need to blow away please.

I thought I would give you an update on the awful party. The head injury person has inflammation on one side of her brain and is going to a CT scan tomorrow. The alcohol poison person is still off sick and there are mutterings about disciplinary action. Simply not worth it.

This is my latest painting, just finished this evening. I've no talent whatsoever its a painting by numbers but I do like them.

So here I am awake at 04.15 in the UK.

The birds started their ( very pretty?) Chorus at 03.40. There are some advantages to living at GMT plus 1.......

Weather in East Anglia mixed. The wind has been worse. Mum is enjoying the extra company anyway. We have helped my sister with her gardening.....dead heading hundreds of violas in pots, but inside. I am in trouble because I have insisted that my parents sit in the sunny extension which my Dad paid for and not their gloomy room on the shady side of house. I have been given so many excuses why they stay in their room but mainly it's to keep them out of the way!

We went shopping yesterday and you can trust a 14 year old to tell it as it is......great niece said ' nano ( my mum) never normally comes out! ' Now my mum has always loved looking in shops so I took her around in a wheel chair and I bought her a lacy cardigan. She is thrilled and we talked about everything and she chose strawberries and spring onions because I asked her what she'd like. All the time she is telling me ' I do as I'm told....' Now, Snowys Mum I understand at 95 she will fantasize a bit, but I'm listening to how my brother-in-law talks to my Dad and I think she might be right. They all talk over mum and dad saying 'He' or 'She' and I got cross and said that they are sitting there so to talk to them. It's all very upsetting because I can't offer an alternative. The deterioration in their mobility because of isolation is so sad and they have so little stimulation. 

We are going to Sheringham today and lunch out Sunday but that's for me. Dad has paid for an extension he doesn't sit in ( except when there are visitors?) a new car he doesn't drive, solar panels for cheap electricity for my sister, and now I hear that next week my sister is off on a €3,400 holiday Dad has kindly paid for leaving them with carers he will also have to pay. It is obvious he generously says ' yes' but has no comprehension of what they are spending. I am supposed to have POA but so does my sister and she made sure the either/ or was ticked. I had insisted on both but that page got lost so the paperwork had to be redone and was supposedly done in solicitors and Dad's choice. I do get a copy of the statement and modern bank statements tell me exactly where the money goes. I'm not sure they realise I know but my brother-in-law didn't like it when he was moaning about how Dad has occasional night accidents he has to help with. They aren't often because Dad wears a catheter and I said it's a small price to pay for so many treats. They had such plausible reasons.....Do you know....you need a £28,000 kitchen extension so your house can be accessed by ambulance crews? 

Now, I must stop writing and moaning but if I don't use all my ' loopy' friends here tonight.....I think I will end up thumping someone. I am so cross and worried. I feel this is abuse I can't stop because no one else will see what's going on and everyone will see the charm.

Of course my sister and her husband are wonderful to take my parents in ( so I'm told...)......but at what hidden costs. It's certainly not an unpaid service.....oh and did I mention the £2000 a month salery, Dad is paying plus any odd bills they need a ' loan ' for. How would you like Afternoon tea to celebrate your wedding anniversary? To quote my sister..' we're taking mum and dad'....only Dad paid £300 I noticed so did he take them?

Enough.....I'll watch the French news now then maybe I'll sleep. We mustn't get up until 08.00 or it disturbs brother-in-law!

Oh Lacomtekp, no wonder you are up early with all of that playing on your mind.

You can report your sister to the Office of the Public Guardian if you believe she is abusing her power as an Attorney. Not a pleasant thing to have to do but perhaps if you let her know you can do that she might re think how she takes advantage of your parents' money.

It sounds as if you need to have it out with your sister and brorher in law. Why are your parents paying a salary to be looked after? Do they need full time care? If so, then your sister can use her salary to pay for her holiday, surely. 

I am so sorry. This must be so distressing for you and you probably feel helpless to change things. But abuse of power by an Attorney is not looked upon favourably by the Office of the Public Guardian.

Debs x

Thank you for replying. I knew I can report them but there are two further problems. Unfortunately they will say Dad offered to pay and there is nothing in writing. I expect if asked he would say yes. Secondly, my parents don't have enough money left now for nice, residential care. If anything prevents them staying at my sister's,  I don't know what will happen. Too much money has gone now. I calculate about £200,000. All from their house which mum still thinks they own. She was never taken back to help pack it or say ' goodbye' having lived in it 64 years! Dad wouldn't come to France but mum would if Dad dies. So I don't feel I can cause an upset which might reflect back on their living conditions if my brother-in-law ( who seems in control) is upset.

I keep going over and over it......It isn't I want any money and if they were spending time in lovely sunny extension or being taken out in car etc then it would have some justification but they're not. How do I know? I ring as often as possible. I've been told what time I can ring but the phone always has to be taken to mum in her  sitting room and my sister/ brother-in-law are often out while my niece grannie sits but rarely chatting to my.parents.

Sorry, all. My niggles are the least of your worries. I sometimes wonder if we shouldn't live in France but that's nonsense really because we went for OH's health and until the pandemic mum and dad spent at least three months of the year in France with us either coming for three or four holidays a year when younger or two, two month stays in the later years. Mum loves it but Dad has always felt it wasn't for him because the French are French! 

Today we're off to Sheringham. Fish and chips....what a treat!

Thanks again  for your concern.

I understand it's difficult but I think you need to contact your parents solicitors immediately about the POA.  Say what is happening. 

Then tell your sister as your father is paying her a salary of £2000 a month you will report it to HMRC.  You are unhappy with the way your parents have been treated and how they've spent all their money on themselves.  Say it's unacceptable and you are going to contact Social Services to take over managing your parents financial affairs.

Also speak to your parents.  Again you might find they are relieved you are stepping in.  Living with you in France may not be a practical option but if they need residential care here, having no money won't stop them accessing if SS think they need protection.  They may even try to recoup the money from your sister!!!   

I think your parents need you to speak up, would you want someone to speak up for you?  Your brother in law sounds abusive and if your sister taking advantage you have every right to tell her.  You have to be their voice.  If living with you in France is practical - only you know this, offer them a short break with you and see how they get on.  But first freeze their bank accounts!!!   Sorry you have this stress xx

Dear Lacomtekp a very sad situation and in my experience very common. I often think our oldies who have no money and no family are better off.

It appears to be financial abuse, but as you say your parents are agreeing and allowing it to happen because they are trusting and powerless.  The only thing I can think of is an Independent Advocate I will try to send this link https://www.ageuk.org.uk/norfolk/our-services/information-and-advice/#:~:text=Norfolk%20Advocacy,experience%20any%20inequality%20or%20discrimination.

It's age UK Norfolk and if you told them the points about use of the sunny conservatory and access to shopping trips maybe they could stand up for your parents in this vulnerable situation.

Meanwhile could you get the neice onboard with ideas to improve the quality of life for them? Without seeming to criticise your sister and husband. 

A very difficult situation for you. Try and concentrate on the good points, they have reached a great age and are living in a nice home with family. Sending love to you xxx

So sorry to hear this Lacomtekp. I cannot offer any advice, but am thinking of you and sending hugs xx

Lacomtekp I can’t add anything more than the others have already said on this as they are far more knowledgeable about this kind of thing but I really feel for you watching it all and being powerless to help. Don’t feel guilty about being in France, you made the right decision for you and up until very recently it was good for your folks too, they wouldn’t want you to make your decisions for them. Big hugs and lots of love x

Lacomtekp

Sorry to hear of your concerns Karen it’s such a difficult situation ,I always said I was so pleased mum had no money or property so no problems with siblings .

Perhaps a conversation with your parents although difficult may be necessary.

They don’t need to be told about financial abuse but You need to know are they happy with their restricted lifestyle. 
If they are no happy then it may be right to move to residential care which means SS will means test and their are some good residential homes with low level nursing care available or there used to be .
Conversation with Sister could be couched with concern over complaints and suggest a visit to solicitors to check financial for future care at which point a conversation could ensue re spending habits .
My mums care was no different being funded than privately paid . 
Also please don’t feel at fault for any of your sisters behaviour as an adult she is responsible for how she behaves .

I’m sure I speak for everyone in saying come on here and vent anytime you wish …you are always willing to listen and help anyone 

Oh, dear Karen/Lacomtekp, how incredibly sad for both you and your parents. As the others have said, it’s financial and most likely emotional abuse even if your parents agreed (to keep the peace) I too think you need advice and SS, Age UK and/or a solicitor should surely be able to help?

i know complaining isn’t easy but it sounds as if you’ve substantial grounds for concern, even if your parents agreed. 

please do use here to ‘vent’ as I realise you will need to offload somewhere. 

Big hugs xxx