AWAKE.........

Dear lovely LondonLass, PLEASE do not 'take a break', I agree with all you've said about being honest on this forum, so don't hide your feelings about anything, including your heartbreak about not being able to have a baby. I love the outfit you bought, and why shouldn't you have it in your drawer for the little baby you wanted but couldn't have. Sorry we've been quiet on the subject; I guess like you said, some of us just weren't sure what to say. But here I am, for what it's worth, to say that I feel hugely for you. I have children myself and I've never taken them for granted, partly because I had some issues prior to having them, and partly because I lost my own parents relatively young, so want them to have as much time with me as possible. I've already lived longer than both my parents. 

Anyway, I didn't mean to start making this about me, just want to say that some of us find it harder to think of the 'right' thing to say, so say nothing which makes it appear that we don't care. But we do! And I so agree that it's not about trying to take the pain away, all you wanted was an acknowledgement of your pain. All part of the crap that comes with certain cancer treatments.  

And here's another to put in that drawer, just for you...

 because you know you'd have been a wonderful mum... Lots of love, HFxx

, and , you ought to write a book. Sounds like a Carry On film! Xxxx

, I read that as knitting nappies!!!! Xx

Hello Londonlass

I can only imagine a little of what you are going through. But please don't feel like you can't come and talk freely.

As I've said before this is my second time on this path. Last time when I got to the five year all clear I had a melt down. I couldn't accept that the new me wasn't like the old me. After all I'd beaten the cancer. But it had left a mark on my brain as well as my boob. 

This experience changes every bit of a person and made me think in a totally different way, the little things didn't matter but the big things like family become huge. 

I worked in a school in a socially deprived area. Women having babies for all the wrong reasons and then neglecting them. Yet in the staff we had 5 members of staff desperate for babies and unable to have them. Watching one in particular loose baby after baby was heartbreaking.

I hope the staff are gentle with you and I agree, write down how you feel or print out some of your e mails. You need more support than we can give at a distance,.

I'll ask my friend to pray for you and I'll be thinking of you.

Dear LondonLass,

just to say, I’m sending big bear hugs because for a full 6 years of trying, I didn’t fall pregnant, so to a teeny teeny bit I do understand that longing. And our darling daughter, too, is rendered infertile by 10 years of cancer treatment. I feel for her, and I feel for you too. 

Please, whatever you do, NEVER, EVER, feel you cannot voice your wishes, deep feelings, urges and wants on here, we are here to respect each other and that includes all the c**p we are dealt with in life! And, by the way I love that cute Babygro! 

I really hope tomorrow’s appointment(s) give you the reassurances that your feelings have been heard and acknowledged 

hugs xxx

We are listening LondonLass.... sometimes it is hard to know what to say but we are definitely listening. You’re grieving and having to make such difficult decisions which compounds your grief over never having children. Sending hugs ... and a listening ear xx

Hi Londonlass,

I'm sorry you spent all day wondering why no one was replying to your morning comments. No one here minds what you need to express......your feelings are no less painful for you than my aching leg is physically for me.

I read every word you wrote. If you needed to write the same thing every day, twice a day, I would read that too. I thought about liking your thoughts but that seemed to trivalise your thoughts. I also wasn't  sure if sending a hug at that time was right either.

Your second letter sums up your disappointment in us. I can't  answer for anyone but myself but I simply didn't know what to say to you. That is not saying there was any reason why you shouldn't express those thoughts because you should have......but I don't have the experience( and I imagine I wasn't the only one) to answer you. I have three children. I was well past the menopause when I was diagnosed with cancer and then I had triple negative cancer anyway. I can tell you expertly where to buy paraben free shampoo, recommend PG Tips...perfect for Non Dairy  tea bags for using with almond milk, pregabalin for neuropathy but I can't tell you if I would have felt any different to you if I'd found myself in your current position with all the decisions you have to make because I simply don't know. There was a fragility in your passionate piece and I was worried that whatever I wrote would have been ....and probably  still is..... wrong. I am not a councillor but I am very aware that saying the wrong thing is as damaging as actually saying nothing was in this case. 

I am sure no one thinks you need a break from this site but as someone suggested, you might find added support if you can chat to others who like yourself, may never have children.

The baby grow was a lovely choice. I suspect we all have keepsakes tucked away from things we cannot have or do so why not choose something you would have liked to put a baby in. 

I know you have some very difficult decisions to make over the next few weeks. Please feel you can voice them with your Fruity friends......but please remember that we may not be able to offer any answers. Sometimes just reading what you say.....and maybe agreeing to like your comment.....will be the only response we can make that is suitable.

We do care about you Londonlass.....you have suffered so much and the dice hasn't  given you it's  best numbers. We want you to know that especially as tomorrow we are hoping you will be able to talk to a doctor who will listen to you. I suspect it will be hard for you to discuss how you really feel but I think you must try. I think you need to include your disappointment as well as the physical sweats.....otherwise you may find yourself being swept along in a direction which you're  not ready for.

Dare I say......I hope you sleep tonight? ......I look every night and when I get up in case you're  making early morning comments....lately I thought you were sleeping. I only answer when I see the remark in case I wake anyone up with a 'ping'

Cyber hugs now.

Love Karen

Dearest Sal, LondonLass,

First 'you don't need to take a break from here' - 'we all want you here' - you care and give so much good advice to others, you are a light shining in the darkness, so please don't get going anywhere....

Now then, with my comments to follow, you probably won't want to be talking to me afterwards, I mean this in the 'right way' - but whether it comes out like this on here, well that's another thing.

First, I'm not fully up-to-date on all replies, so I will say this..... sometimes it is so hard as to 'what or how to reply', like one of the other Fruit Loops said.... even liking a post can feel so wrong at times, yet we want to to show support, but feel it is wrong to 'like' a post from a struggling Fruit Loops, it's like you are liking that they are struggling or going through a hard time.

We never know what other journeys the Fruit Loops have travelled before the BC or during or afterwards, they may be carrying around a lot that we don't know or have shared with the group - they could be keeping such things 'tucked away' - only letting us see and share in this particular journey.  (I know I have more to my story, as many others is, but, I suppose this is something that comes out over time 'if' we dare to share at all).  So please don't take it personally that Fruit Loops haven't replied - it could be hard for them, or not knowing the right words to say or wanting time to think about what to say.

I think like other Fruit Loops have said, you are grieving now, grieving for the baby you have not had..... I am saying this, hate me if you will, you are focusing on the not having a baby because of this; which is true, however, 'if' this hadn't happened 'who' is to say that you would of gone on to have a baby, for many reasons, including relationships, problems conceiving, body not been able to carry a baby or even that time carried out and you didn't have a baby.  I think you are allowing this situation to be the focus of 'you not having a baby'.  You will need time to grieve, to come to terms with the shock of it..... consider this, how many ladies have not had a baby 'thinking that they will in time' and time comes and goes and then 'its too late' no partner, onset of menopause without realising, problems conceiving - it happens, it happens for many, many reasons and the shock is there, the grieving is there, the 'I'm not a woman' feelings are there.

Please Sal, look at the bigger picture, was your choice in working with children 'a hidden' reason why you chose this working path, to give you the joy of looking after children like they were your own - you have shared some very special moments with the children you have cared for - maybe more than some women will ever have.  How many women have miscarried, lost children - there are so many things life throws out.  We never know what another person is truly going through, like us with you we want to support you but we can feel hard or wrong for saying things, things that I am saying here, it is meant with the best intention, with an honest heart - you need time to grieve, but don't focus all you time and energies on this - there is a bigger picture and at times we don't understand till later in life (I go back to the reason you went into child minding, you didn't know this would happen when you started out).

Sal, you are wonderful support for the Fruit Loops on here, you really are, we need you hear and no one of us would want you to feel that we don't care or not wanted in here.  Like you say, we have always been honest, as I am now and I just hope I don't offend or upset you with my words.... my words are for you, to give you strength and comfort and maybe look at what's happened in a different light.

Sending you get big hugs and love Sal and to all the Fruit Loops Team, you will get through this, it will take time - you need to keep posting here and between us we will try to give you strength to get through this xxxxx

Sal (LondonLass) Just been reading your post and all the reply’s, for some reason I have had no notifications and no posts on the awake thread until a little while ago, as everyone says you don’t need to stay away we are all here for each other, no matter what, please talk to us, you are always here for us no matter what you are going through. Hope you get some answers tomorrow, we will all be with you in spirit, give them hell, hoping you manage some sleep tonight love you lots my friend xxx

Hi Sal, LondonLass, 

Just a quick post before I head off to bed - I am 'trying' for an early night hmmm, we will see....

I wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow, tell them everything Sal, ask them how they would be in your shoes.

Also, I hope you have packed a load of goodies for Lucky Pants - you know what he is like.  LP said to me he was going as a top consultant tomorrow, he wants to knock them all into shape.  Hoping all goes well for you Sal.

Oww and a little thought on these sweats, I do think this is due to the amount of oestrogen in your body and the tablets taking it out.  I'm thinking the more oestrogen that comes out of your body the more you will sweat at the time (a new thought, is the sweating how the 'actual' oestrogen gets 'out' of the body hmmm - there's a thought and maybe a question.

Hoping that everything goes well tomorrow - sending love and hugs xxxxx