AWAKE.........

Oww LondonLass, your post as given me shivers - if I had a tenth of the energy you have I'd be, well, I'd be sitting in a clean, tidy, house, no back log of work (weeks and weeks - this is a story in itself). I am only just getting to know you and the other nutters on this site ....

Looking at you from, lets say a normal persons view (not mine haha) how they would manage with this....

If my understanding is right, you have problems with your sleep, you hardly ever get a 'full nights' sleep and you still get up and GO TO WORK. You still work, whilst you have hardly had sleep - have you heard some people, oww I didn't get to bed until after 11 last night wowwwww - how many people miss out on sleep night after night, without it taking a tole on them both mentally and physically - none!!  So, yes you will feel exhausted, you are exhausted - even trying to pace yourself won't work because you're too tired from lack of sleep, You imagine the mental, emotional and physical stresses you are under - even a simple thing like you say 'getting them to listen to you and understand how you feel' will drain you, you know what you want to say, you know how you feel, they will just pass it off.  You ask anyone that has suffered from or suffers with gout in their feet how they feel - how wearing sensible shoes is really going to help take the pain away - not, they can't even have a bed sheet touching their skin without it hurting so very much.  LondonLass all this is draining you, there could be lots of reasons why this is happening.  If it's allowed, I would love to talk about "Golden Paste" at some point on here/forum (turmeric, coconut oil and black pepper) it is amazing, it has fantastic qualities along with fantastic results for joints and joint pain relief. 

Please forgive me for saying this I hope when I get to the end of this part you will understand where I am coming from.

I look at you from what I have read and what you have and are going through. You are truly amazing, an inspiration to us all.  These are just words I'm throwing out to you 'willy nilly', I'm saying them because I really mean this, YOU ARE AMAZING.  You seem a very strong and determined young lady, you really do, which is fantastic for anyone around you - but a 'insert swear word' for you, for your body.  

You said 'c' wasn't going to take anything away from you, or change you.  (Here comes the bit I hope you understand how I mean this).  You will have met many people that possibly say, well its because of 'it', you will feel like this because of 'it', you will have sore feet because of 'it' - slowly everything gets put down to 'it' - when in truth, 'it' might just not be the cause of it.  You could possibly be tired from the various treatments (durrr), from lack of sleep, from working, from not asking for help - you show me anyone that has gone through half of what you have and it not drained them mentally, emotionally and physically.

You don't have to admit you need help - you might not actually need help as such, it might just be that you are four years older (someone has to remind you :), your body has gone through such a lot - they say sleep helps to repair the body, well your body isn't getting proper sleep or time to repair itself, as soon as it goes to relax you jump up and start doing things!  (if only this was true saying whilst you sleep your body repairs itself - I would look about 7 now - I have the opposite, I could sleep for days on end, this is another story). Where was I, oww yes, you saying about needing an extra break at work - if this works then have an extra break - look how many extra hours smokers have during smoke breaks (they are still having a break at the same time). Just don't make a big deal of it to yourself - just have it and see how you feel, some days you might want an extra break other days you might not.  (I hope your still reading this its now 4.10am :) 

I've said on a few posts how I think our minds can be so cruel to us - I'm not the same person I was, I spend more time 'thinking' about what I need to do and what I should do - to the point where nothing gets done, I have spent the time 'taking to myself' and you know what - its tired me out - actually doing nothing as tired me out.  

I really think you are to hard on yourself, you seem to be a person that gets on and does things - I bet if we were given the same job to do, one that should take an average of 1 hour - you would get it done in, lets say half an hour whilst it would take me 2 hours - I wasn't always like this.

If you can be a little easier on yourself, I am sure you 'will' get to a place where you are comfortable with it, if you can't do something because you're tired..... and you can do it after you have had a rest - then be grateful that you can do it 'after' a rest. You don't need to explain the way you do things - just do them the best that you can, YOU can't ask for more than that - don't be angry or mad at yourself. (Bet you'd have done this quicker than me - 2 seater settee full of items to be sorted out, put away, etc - its taken me nearly two weeks to clear this off - why has it taken so long, what can I blame, do I blame myself - I can, will it help me - no, I am just glad that it is now done.  (I am mad at myself of course I am, I don't know why its taken this length of time, I just know I'm not thinking straight and everything about 'me' has slowed down - I keep standing, well sitting and 'thinking' things through, its crazy, its a trap I have let my mind get into - I hope :/ and my new saying.... it is what it is :) 

LondonLass please stop being so hard on yourself - make some adjustments to your way of thinking - take time for yourself - find a way to recharge. Find a way to be kinder on yourself.  Last few words now, we're nearly done :) Reverse all this what would LondonLass say to anyone one here that is where you are at now - would you say do them its bad to take a little longer over things or they might need an extra break now and again :o hmmmm we all know the answer London, theres no getting away with it, we all know.

Right, I am going to make a cup of tea, feed the cats and get myself off to bed.  

I hope my message doesn't ping through and wake you up and well, if you read all this, you should be ready for a sleep now :)

Sending Love and {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hope this makes sense zzzzZZZzzz 

Hi everyone,

Yet again I woke with a feeling of panic.  All day yesterday I felt sick and was actually a little sick last night.  I feel really sick just now but I haven't eaten much lately so I don't know if that's contributed to my nausea.  I think I mostly feel sick after learning I had a secondary on Tuesday.  

I am due chemo #4 tomorrow and I don't feel in the right head space. 

I am scared for my future and I feel so anxious.  I have two sons, 11 and 12. Desperately want to keep things normal for them but right now I am feeling anxious about them being away at school tomorrow.  I feel like keeping them at home and us all just staying cocooned in the house pretending none of this is happening. 

I know these feelings will pass. Right now I just can't foresee how my new normal will be, how life living with secondaries will be. 

I feel like a tiny snowflake in a big snow globe and everytime I think I have my s**t together some b*****d comes along and shakes the globe.

Sending my best wishes to you all esp all you people also awake right now. 

X

Hello Happygolucky280, 

I've just nipped back on before going to bed.  

I love the explanation about being in a snow globe - brilliant.

You have every right to feel panicky - its a roller coaster of a ride and they can be scared.  You need to 'try' try to take one day at a time and one step at a time.  Things seem so much worse during the night time, your mind will work overtime at trying to upset you.

As much as you would like to pretend all this is not happening you have to look forward, put your thoughts of 'what if's' out of your mind if you can.  Work on the here and now, come Friday you will have the weekend off, try then to work on finding a way to work on your 'head space'.  Don't be scared for the future, live for the here and now (next week is in the future, you can't live it till it gets here, if this makes sense). Once you have had your treatment tomorrow/today, then later on snuggle up with your sons.

I don't think can't see how your new normal 'will' be - at this moment, this 'is' your new normal - and yo must make it as nice a new normal as you can.

Nighty Night xxx

Thank you, you said everything I needed to hear.  

I took part in my first mindfulness session at Maggie's yesterday and I will be working very much on keeping it in the here and now. 

Hope you sleep well, speak soon.  

X

Thinking of you all. Ive barely slept again. Im bad enough on a normal night but worse if i have hospital appointment. Some would say including my mother that you dont need to do this but for me 2 years without breasts has all but destroyed me mentaly. They are only fat, you dont need them anymore, oh and the worst arnt you so lucky youre partner didnt leave you. Gee thanks. Its not for them that im doing this or for my partner its for me. I have clothes that i cant wear, i hate seeing what i see. Anyway enough of my moaning i know i shouldnt when i read about everyone else. Sal i have fingers and toes crossed for you today. Sending hugs you will be in my thoughts. Love to all you lovely ladies. Xxx 

Good morning everyone one of those nights for many I too was awake most night echo at 2pm to see if strong enough for last attempt to slow this beast with kadcylai non response to herceptin or chemo but here's hoping exams miracle if all well start Tuesday. For all those in hospital and have tests today good luck all the others who just need to get through another day lots of lovexxxxx 

WhatHappened, thank you for taking the time to write your message! I shall consider myself well and truly told! xx

Best of luck Jazzy 21 thinking of you x

Hi Shellian just wanted to say I know how you feel about people’s attitudes about reconstruction.i had anLD flap done in August and tissue expander 2 weeks ago.for months all I’ve heard are people saying I wouldn’t bother if I were you.having big boobs wasn’t good anyway was it?and other very annoying comments.yes there are days when I think maybe I should have carried on with my lop sided life especially at the moment when I am still very sore,they damaged a rib during surgery (!),but it’s my body and my decision and I know one day when all my surgery is done and everything is healed I will feel more like me again.who knows I may have the perkiest nicest breasts any 55 year old would be proud to have and my so called friends will be jealous Ha Ha

Anne 

Just catching up with you all and sad to read that so many of you have lots of crappy stuff going on. 

I have never found of this time of year Joyous......take Eastenders as a prime example! 

It must be something to do with the darker nights, shorter (dull, miserable) days, cold and dampness. How good it feels on a day with bright blue sky even if it's cold. How much better we feel with warm summer sun.

I haven't escaped some reflection myself. I'm on the other side of the cancer coin....looking after Paul. I think if I had the cancer I would cope better than he is. On the other hand, if I had the cancer, he wouldn't cope at all! Most of the time I just want to pull up the drawbridge and not worry about anyone else.

Lass and all you folk that get up and go to work, you are amazing! I couldn't imagine Paul getting there on time let alone do a days work. No wonder you are knackered, jaded, and exhausted. 

Organising Christmas, as most of us ladies do, is hard work and stressful at the best of times without having our health issues and appointments to content with. Don't feel you aren't doing enough or punish yourselves for not seeming to do better. Sometimes we have to be selfish and say NO without having to add an explanation.

My thoughts, love and a prayer, for those who would like one,  go to you all. 

Kathy x