AWAKE.........

Thankyou LondonLass toxophilite GBear it's nice to know I'm not alone  .Sometimes I feel so trapped as my fear is leaving my family to cope without me but if I show that fear it effects them now xx

Evening Ladies, I think a hug may be appropriate for Optimistic, GBear and toxophilite, and of course anyone else who might need one.......

You know that EVERYTHING you are feeling is perfectly normal. There's a reason these thoughts and feelings hit when we stop work or in the middle of the night etc. It's because we all work hard at locking away all these thoughts and feelings because we aren't ready to deal with them. 

Many of us look back and realise we went through the whole diagnosis and treatment process without a single tear. Then we question WHY? But maybe the bigger question is WHY NOT? Would crying change anything? Would it of helped? Not necessarily! But by not crying we could carry on as normal, protect those around us. So now the treatment is over what now? Why the tears? The anger? The worry and concern? Well now everything is out of your control! You don't know what the future will bring. Will the Cancer return? If so when?? If only we could answer that question! But we can't. For most people the Cancer won't return but that doesn't stop the worry!

So what can you do. Well you can waste the time you have with your friends and family worrying, or you can live in the moment. Why worry about what your family/partner would do without you, how about enjoying the time you have with them now. IF the Cancer returns you will have plenty of time to work on finding ways for your families to cope. So time to stop worrying about your family and concentrate on YOU! That's right YOU. Because you are important too. You have just fought for your life. Now it's time to live again and we all know how hard that is. 

Time to face the anger and acknowledge what you are angry at! Is it the Cancer? Is it what it has done to your body? Or to your Family? Or your friends etc etc! If you sit down and write a list you will be surprised at what you can come up with. I recall writing down some very odd things! My main one being Cancer and for me secondary Cancer had taken away my purpose! Why was I here now? What did I have left to offer anyone? With the help of a counsellor, I worked out answers to my questions although I think it is possible to do it on your own as well.

None of this is easy and it takes time. 5 years on and I can honestly say I have more good days than bad, when it comes to Cancer! I have had other issues with have created more down days, but that's another story. I can reassure the 3 of you and anyone else reading this that things can and do get easier. You will always worry about leaving your families, but that's all part of being a wife, a mum, a sister etc etc ever thought that they are probably having the same thoughts about you! Part of life is learning to cope when we lose the people we love. It's not easy, but we find a way of going on because we know we have to. 

Right now you are NED and attempting to get back to 'normal' whatever that is. I think for just 2years on you are both doing well. GBear you have other issues so that makes things more complicated. However you are all still here, still talking and still trying to move on.......all positives in my eyes! Even before Cancer you would of had BAD days, so allow yourself these down moments....BUT don't let them consume you. You are all very strong and caring women and I have learnt a lot from each of you. If you want to know how far you have come look back over the last 2 years and see how far you have come! Look at how many ladies and gents you have helped. Look at the life long friends you have made! If it's time for you to sit back and be carried by us then do that, but there's only one direction on this journey and that's forward! So come on Ladies, stand tall and remind yourselves that the bad days will pass and good days will return! 

Together we can get through anything!

Well I'm not sure that this will of made any sense whatsoever, but if nothing else it might send you to sleep, which can only be a plus!!! Just know that I Love you all and wouldn't of got this far without you all. So keep going Ladies! Tomorrow will be a better day!

Sal xxxxxxx

Thankyou LondonLass I wish I had my like button to like your post .It comes and goes and at the moment it's gone ! I I'm going to try your writing down suggestion Thank you xx

Thank you Sal LondonLass!!

Would you do me a small favour?

Read back to yourself what you just wrote.

You are amazing chick. And you've got this.

Thankyou Sal, LondonLass  you are amazing, you are such a wonderful help to us all, what you have just written could be just what a lot of us need to hear but could never have the courage to voice our feelings, Thankyou for your help, I don’t think you realise what you mean to us all.

love and hugs Jenny xx

We have boarding passes!!! Looks like I'm off on holiday tomorrow then. Probably sleep most of the first few days.

Good Evening 

i have a good friend with melanoma , she has had tumours cut from here there and everywhere , trouble walking as they have had to cut into muscle. She has a strong religious belief and to others she is so bubbly and positive . EXCEPT when she has a bad day - she stays in and in her pjs and has a PITY PARTY - cakes sweets and other lovely treats , hubby stays out of the way except to supply said goodies . She watched DVDs , listen to music , cries and laughs and of course chats to her friends ON Line  / messenger - she ends up helping her friends and so the pity party ends and boy does she feel good . 

So we are not feeling down , we are having a party

- a PITY PARTY  

you are all wonderful , I for one have cried buckets, not so much now , I’m too busy trying to get fit and healthy and getting over the side effects , although I’ve been told only this week that it will take a long time . But life is good , hard times will come  , first Christmas without my mum ( the last of our parents/grand parents) then the diagnosis anniversary, which will also be my mums first birthday in heaven . But like all you brave people I will get there . 

Hugs to you all

Ruby Rose 

keep posting you are all inspirational xx

Have a great holiday toxophilite you really deserve it for all your hard work and Helping us lot on here too.

love and hugs Jenny xxx

Oh Optimistic, and toxophilite, it is total CRAP!   Sorry you are feeling like this. I'm just the same, great on the outside but very vulnerable wobbly and angry inside. It just never ends. I am very very lucky to be NED and to have such wonderful support from my lovely DH,. He finds it hard and gets worried and depressed, and however hard I try I am a nightmare to live with. This forum is a lifeline. Please keep posting and get those hortible feelings out.

Love to everyone xxxx

Optimistic, I really I understand your fear of leaving your family behind. Ever since my BC diagnosis, and lately after the bowel C, I have had this horrible fear/sadness/grief inside that I might have to say goodbye to my lovely DH. After 2 abusive  marriages I have finally found the happiness I never had before, and the thought that we might not have very long together haunts me. I am quite old too, and I often think of how many years we may have left. We have been married  2 1/2 years, and met 18 years ago. We have only reallybeen together since my BC 9 years ago when he moved in to look after me. The thoughts never go away, but I have long periods when they are very much in the background.

I have regular counselling which has helped enormously. I do creative release meditation, affirming a long future together and this helps me to stay positive.

Big hugs xxxxxx