Let’s talk about sex

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I know this subject is like the ultimate Taboo and not everyone likes talking about it so i’m just gonna throw this out there for anyone who has any advice for me.

Before my cancer diagnosis back in December 2020 me and my husband had a good sex life. Since the diagnosis we’ve both been feeling stressed anxious and upset which i guess is normal and understandable.

Then i had a bowel resection surgery and after 6 weeks recovery i went straight into Chemotherapy - for the next 6 months.

I start cycle 5 tomorrow and i feel constantly tired have acid reflux neuropathy nausea nose bleeds bleeding bowels and my period has stopped this month.

I feel guilty never being well enough for sex and my husband never makes a fuss he’s so understanding loving and caring but i worry that this chemo has brought on some kind of me a pause and that my lack of interest in sex which may go when treatment ends in 6 months or maybe permanent part of my life.

I know sex isn’t everything and the love we have is more than that but i can’t help feeling sad that that part of our life is over we are both young i’m only 42 which i know isn’t a spring chicken but it’s not over the hill either.

The oncologyst spoke to us before chemo started and said sex is fine as long as you use protection and don’t get pregnant which i have no intention of anymore children we have 3 already. But i’ve not even had any urges to have sex since my treatment it seems to have wiped the floor with me.

Has anyone got any wise words of wisdom that will help thanks

Kareno62 over 4 years ago

Hi Mummabear3000. My words of wisdom are ‘give it time’. You are still in the early days of your ‘journey’ - hate that the term but I’ve not managed to come up with a better one yet- and, as you are discovering, cancer treatment just likes to keep on giving with a wide variety of side effects and emotions. Cancer messes with you physically and emotionally and also those close to you. I saw a photo of my husband and his daughter at a wedding we went to during my treatment and I mentioned how tired my husband looked. His daughter says ‘yes he was so worried about you and how much weight you’d lost.’ I’m sure your Husband is looking after you really well but also worried about you and frustrated that he can see you struggling and can’t help you. Meanwhile you feel guilty that you’re not being yourself and maybe not doing as much in the house that you would do usually? It’s all normal emotions and I remember getting upset one night and telling my husband that I just wanted to feel like ‘me’ again and then feeling worse cos he got upset too.

You feel guilty about not feeling up to sex with your husband but it may be that he doesn’t feel like it much either?! There are other ways of being intimate without sex and I’m sure that he knows how much you love him. Are there any ‘good’ days towards the end of your chemo cycle? Could you have a date night, nice meal, glass or 2 of wine and see how things go from there? At the end of the day, if you have a sex free 6 months, then you have it to look forward to at the end of your treatment. If the urge doesn’t return then cross that bridge if and when you get to it.

I will of course attach a booklet because it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t!

https://bowelcancerorguk.s3.amazonaws.com/Publications/YoungPersonsGuide_BowelCancerUK.pdf

Lastly, if your urges do return, then you should still use protection as it is to protect your hubby from the chemo that you’re having rather than for contraception

Hope this helps

Take care

Karen x

Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

Mummabear3000 over 4 years ago in reply to Kareno62

Thank you Karen that has made a lot of sense and i know sex isn’t everything me and my husband spend a lot of time together walking watching tv or in the garden we are soul mates and best friends we’ve been together for over 24 years and love each more now than we did then. I will take a look at the link you sent thank you x