Bowel cancer carers, family and friends chat

I've not had a good day myself. Waking up in the mornings just now with a constant sickening feeling in my stomach wondering if its worth my while getting up and just wondering why I'm waking up at all.  Our son phoned and asked if I was going to the hospital today because he was going and I said no and he asked why and I just about bit his head off and told him I just didn't want to. I think I am the only one getting stressed by all this. My son knows what's to come but he is just so resilient about it all. I phoned Jay earlier and apologised for being such a b***h today. He said I've nothing to apologise for I think he kind of gets how I'm feeling. He asked me to buy leggings for our granddaughter today. She is going through toilet training just now and she showed `papa` her new pants. Our son says they have to carry spares around incase of `accidents` so this prompted him to get me to buy more leggings and pants for her. This is going through my head now that he wants to do all these things before he `goes` no just because he wants to. I know he will want our wee granddaughter taken care of and this is probably him starting to work on making sure that she has what she needs. It's lovely, but very very sad too. 

1. We have a sports car sitting in the garage which is Kevin’s pride and joy, just got it back on Friday from the garage and he thinks he is going to be able to drive it - hasn’t been out of bed since Friday so just going along with it. Daughter loves it I’m not that keen and would not want it scraped etc so don’t know what I will do with it. Costs a lot to run so it may have to go. I have a car and don’t mind driving. Waiting for call tomorrow to start carers twice a day - Kevin was adamant he didn’t want them but he his decision and agreed to have them. Driver in now for pain relief so nurses will be back in the morning. 
   Daughter coming morning and I’m going to nip out for an hour - it’s weird cos I’m scared something might happen if I’m not there but on the other hand need to have a me hour. Take care ladies and I’ll be thinking of you all xx

Patty I had to be so careful driving but I was very over cautious with speed bumps etc. I worked the easiest route possible to get there. Coming back was school pick and again cars parked all over. The main thing is I did it even though it was traumatic. Just go up and down the drive. We have a long drive thank goodness. I drove my car not his as I have not driven his at all. Apparently automatics are a doddle to drive but I prefer the gears. Just try for jay. Hubby was worried as it was over 3 when I got back but I had taken my phone. I don’t think I would drive on motorways now but I would need an easy route and it would have to be planned. I personally think you are all so brave. You may need carers as it will be hard work looking after him yourself but just go with the flow. I hope you are looking after yourself as well. I am pleased they sorted his discomfort out. As usual my thoughts are with you all.  Take care and keep up with the forum love Maggie xx

Well done you Maggie. I have never driven an automatic and will stick with my gears. I didn’t realise the amount of things you take for granted that Kevin did. Putting diesel in the car, taking bins out and rubbish, he always made the bed and put the washing line out etc etc, we made a great team and everything seems to take me ages to do. Can’t be bothered now and what’s the point of cooking for one person!! I need to try and cheer myself up a bit. Xx

Torry I get that!

I worried when Jay retired if he would get bored easily but we drew up a `rota` of housework to do. His was the kitchen mine was the bathroom/living room/bedrooms. He did all the cooking I done the dishes and we took turns in taking the dog out. Everything has just fell to me now and I get you with taking ages to do stuff it takes me all my time to vaccum a rug whereas before when Jay was ok and out working I would have my set days of what I did when. Like you just couldn't give a stuff now. Takes me all my time to hang out a washing now too. This time of the year I would be fretting if it was raining and I couldn't get a washing out now I don't really care if it rains everyday and would just prefer it did. Maggie, our driveway is quite narrow. We live in an upper flat and the driveway is ours but there is a fence separating ours from the one on the other side. I was very cautious at driving too. The car we had I used for the school runs for William when he was at primary school and just running around locally. Jay always brought home a work's van he had full use of. I couldn't do motorways either. The ironic thing about it was our street was empty of cars this morning and I kept saying to myself `will I` won't I, but gave up I think it was the thought of going out and in my head I would hit something or someone. Jay says once he's home if he's able he'll come out with me in the car. I think that's all it needs is someone in the car with me the first couple of times to get my barings. I've got `P` plates I can put on the car as well so that'll be a help too. Take care you both.

xx

Torry and Patty I have not cooked for years so I bought ready meals from marks and Spencer’s and all I have to do is veg for myself. Les is not allowed as you know. I must admit they ere delicious.  The only other thing I have cooked is pinacaliti or corned beef hash which he can just digest and mash sausage and beans. Patty just a thought how about a refresher driving lesson to get you going. That would make it easier for you and then you could have an automatic lesson. Well off to bed. As always all in my thoughts.  Take care and talk in the morning and I say bugger the housework I can’t be bothered either.  Lots of love Maggie xx

Hi Vicky I have been thinking about you just wish I could say something to make this better or a magic wand to wave for us all. I can understand why you didn't want to go to hospital I often feel wish I  could just run and keep running.Maybe Jay is trying to keep your mind on your beautiful granddaughter and to get you to buy leggings so it makes you get up in mornings and go shopping . I apologise to Simon all the time but he always says he understands when you love someone so much it is really so unfair but we are here to listen and we totally understand how you are feeling xx

Maggie you would do well with my sister. This is all she makes for herself. She lives on her own right enough but she has been staying with me over the last couple of days and I've been doing us cooked dinners with a few ready meals thrown in too. Torry is right cooking for one is pointless. Cooking has always been Jays `thing` always like to experiment with different stuff watches all the TV chefs and takes in what they make. I just throw it in the pan or the oven. Looked at the refresher courses Maggie. A lot of them for some reason don't cover our area. I was looking for someone to teach in an automatic but very few and far between. Great attitude to the housework Maggie. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Hi Jkee!  

Nice to hear from you!  Yes if we had magic wands eh?? I don't think this forum would exist for that matter as everyone would be cancer free. Jkee it's taking me all my time to get up in the mornings just now and just wonder the point to all now. Some days I just feel like swallowing a packet of tablets but luckily it never gets further than `a thought`. I have had the sense to reach out though when I feel this way. I have been texting the SHOUT helpline if I think I'm getting a bit desperate. They are just like another ear for you to speak to but they do their best to try find a way to stop you and I think just through talking to them you are actually stopping yourself from doing something really stupid. It's just like coming on here and speaking with everyone and to the chat advisers. Yes Jay says I've nothing to apologise for and he worries for me. Keeps saying everything will be ok and I'll be ok when he's gone. I just can't bear it when he starts to speak like that. It will come I know, but I just hope it is somewhere in the distant future. Take Care. 

xx

Hi Ladies, 

Just catching up on the chat. I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom.  What I do have is all my wishes and care for you all. My heart breaks at what you are going through and as little as it is, you are in my thoughts and I'm sending you a huge hug as always xx Amy