Struggling with dad's stage 4 diagnosis

Former Member over 3 years ago

4 replies
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Hi everyone. I'm new here and have already found reading through this group helpful to know I'm not as on my own as I feel. My dad (58) went from seemingly fit as a fiddle to having an emergency bowel op and a stage 4 diagnosis within 2 months. He's been in and out of hospital post-op with various complications and chemo and has lost a terrible amount of weight because his body is struggling with any intake of food. Up until the last few days he's stayed extremely positive and I've put a brave face on to try and match that. But the last few days he's been down and frustrated because he can't do the things he wants to because of how frail he's become. I feel so helpless and guilty that I can't fix it for him. Actually, I'm feeling so many emotions that I'm struggling to figure out what it is that I feel... I just know they hurt, like true heartbreak. Which makes me feel even more guilty because it's my poor dad that's going through it.

On top of that, we've had 2 recent bereavements in the family, 2 family members taken ill in hospital and had to say goodbye to our beloved dog. Dad doesn't need any more stress right now and I don't know how to protect him from it all.

There's no easy answer but I'm hoping sharing among others that can relate will at least let my mind quieten for a second.

court over 3 years ago

Welcome to the forum . I honestly think if you really love someone you hurt when you see them enduring situations you can’t influence.
You don’t have to be strong you just have to turn up with your love .

If you click on my user name you can read my mum’s story .

She was diagnosed with a bowel tumour with a spread to her liver in 2009 . She has a recurrence just now but she is still pressing forward . She lost three stones during her first cycle of chemotherapy so I totally understand but the weight did slowly work it’s way back on. Lots of milk shakes !

I think it’s only to be expected to feel down from time to time but it’s not necessarily permanent and a good result can give them the lift they need .

My mum. Has a few hospital admissions too . It’s scary stuff but they can get over them

Hold on tight ,

Court

Helpline Number 0808 808 0000

KathH2 over 3 years ago in reply to court

hi M, you must be feeling completely overwhelmed and helpless. You are giving him all the love and support - and that's so important. I had Ensure drinks in hospital to replace all the nutrients I'd lost. You are not alone. The body of people on this site understand. Just try and get through one day at a time. X.

Kath
"don't think about tomorrow"

Stevejhb over 3 years ago

I just wanted to write you a short note: My daughters are in the same boat as you, I'm in the same boat as your dad. What I can tell you is that like me with my girls, he's feeling incredibly lucky and proud that he has you. Your support will be felt by him in a very big way. Good luck to you both...

PattyK over 3 years ago in reply to Stevejhb

Hi!

I'm going through it with my husband. Up until just over a month ago he was his normal jokey, sarcastic self (at the start of his chemo) then during 4th cycle went right down. Hardly eats and he has always been someone who loves his food and a big chunky fella to boot. Just looked at him yesterday he was wearing a jacket that used to be a bit on the tight side for him and now it just hangs off him. His shoulders have really sunken in and it is heartbreaking for me to see him as more or less a shadow of his former self. All the jokes and banter have gone too and I miss that he always had wee comments to make at the TV about something now I think he just stares at it for the sake of it. Don't know if they will put him back on chemo because apparently the CAPOX didn;t work and the cancer is now sitting in his pelvis and they don't know if he's going to be strong enough to go back on it again.