Tired of smiling

Hi, 

Its great your are nearly at the end of your treatment , I suppose everyone is different on their journey. 

I’ve told my story on here about how I’ve dealt with both my journeys with cancer. 

I don’t feel I’ve ever bluffed I’ve just continued with my life and always tried to encourage others at the beginning of their journey. 

Good luck to you on the rest of your journey and to us all as we move forward. 

i did like you ... strong and no wobbles.for 30 weeks .... had my last chemp and the emotion just took over as i departed the chemo centre.... caught me by surprise...  congrats on a year of immunotherapy!!

Hi Africa1

I can hardly believe that’s been a year already . So good to see you posting .

I think your sentence is so profound . No master plan . Living with the uncertainty it brings . You can see some people immediately deal well with this aspect and others will struggle away with it . I do think that part is so individual . 
I personally think the first two years were the worst for mum and us as a family . My mum’s surgeon said even those with the most robust defences grow weary . However I would say after that it changed us all in different ways .

Looking back as a family and at mum as an individual.  . Faloola made reference in a different post about compartmentalising her life and being able to achieve that so early on amazed me . It was a more gradual process for us but it was exactly where we all ended up . I am not sure if it was just impossible to sustain life like that over the long term so your body starts to protect you but something profound happened . Even to me who would be the more anxious member of the family . Stoic is how I am now described . But we learnt to live scan to scan , packed it away after appointments and found a new way to move forward .

However for us we had to work our way through it . It was neither natural or desired by us to do so . 

Macmillan have teamed up with Bupa to give six free counselling sessions if you feel it might interest you . 0808 808 0000

I am Glad you came on today and shared how you really feel . I think it’s wonderful you tried to be so positive . You are a great person but this is a tough diagnosis and treatment and you are allowed to get support with that .

The forum is here for exactly these conversations . A place to say how you are really feeling .

What a year it has been too !

Always here to listen .

Court 

Hi Africa1

I would absolutely agree with what you say. I got so used to telling everyone I was fine, that I almost forgot that I wasn’t. But people believed me, and I wish in retrospect I had been honest and admitted my feelings. I was so busy being strong and positive, everyone assumed I was. The result of that was virtually no support from anyone, no help, no concern. It became a vicious circle, which has continued to make me feel quite bitter but it was my own fault. But there’s no manual for dealing with this disease emotionally. 

Eventually I broke down, and the BUPA counselling sessions mentioned by court helped to save my sanity. My counsellor was wonderful, and I remember him telling me I was brave to have gone through what I had. I really needed to hear that, and I didn’t have to pretend any more. It helped me so much through all the tears I cried on our calls! I had never really cried before, I was always too busy smiling and projecting this image of strength to protect others. I think it’s very brave to admit how you feel and talk. I’m getting better at it nowadays! 

Sarah xx

I think the problem is you generally look 'fine' so people think you are fine. I must admit I have now given up correcting them, it takes too much effort, and they don't seem to believe you anyway. The Macmillan/ bupa counselling is very good, however it can then lead you to be in limbo, as in where do I go from here.

But it is very brave of you to talk, just keep talking on here. It will help. Xx

I think you’re right Gemmary -particularly in my case as chemo didn’t cause hair loss. Now, apart from my closest friend, I don’t talk about how I’m feeling to anyone and I’m never out of the house to see anyone so I feel quite invisible. It’s just how life is now. But I hope I’d be a better friend to anyone I know who ever receives a cancer diagnosis.

Sarah xx

Africa1

I'm constantly `wobbling` and its not me that's going through it it's my husband. Major wobble yesterday but a little bit more relaxed today. Hubby told last week cancer has spread and now maybe needs a nephrostomy for his kidneys. It doesn't get easier but I know for his sake I need to try to stay positive.

Vicky

Hi Vicky,

Your doing a grand job and Jay is lucky to have you supporting him,

We are all here to support each other I find this forum fantastic 

xx

It is Cath don't where I would be without it just now. I've sent you a pm it's in 2 parts pressed return before i's finished.

Thank you x I realize wobbles are ok they are part of strength I guess in the long run . I've started a journal today putting things down will help I'm sure . Being midway is weird , you get the diagnosis , absorb it ,plan then life goes on with the addition of exotic ing ticking off the 3 wkly sessions  . I'm going to book a few days away and find a new hobby , my brain needs something to challenge itself . Gentle hugs to us all on our journey x