I've been around this site for a couple of years now, and it is always helpful. Recently I've seen threads that say that I'm not going to tell my family the news. I fully understand that it is a personal decision, and we are all different. It's just that as a family we had a different experience which changed my outlook when I got diagnosed, else I would have followed this route.
Let me explain. About 15ish years ago my father-in-law was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma. His choice, but he kept it quiet for a while, then when he couldn't , he banned visitors. This was upsetting as family, but it was very difficult for my daughter, around 9 or 10 at the time. She couldn't see her grandad, didn't mind he was ill, just wanted to see him. It was over 18 months before we got to visit again.
When I was diagnosed I also thought I'd keep quiet. I was diagnosed at the colonoscopy and scans were immediately set up. Daughter knew I'd been, so in a small house it wasn't an option not to tell so I did. She absorbed it, now a young adult, and then the hurt from before came out. Was I going to hide away, not see anyone, not talk to anyone...I can't remember all the argument but it made a profound impression. I just had no idea how grandad's decision had been taken, by a child. So I made my daughter a promise that I'd not hide anything from her, we'd keep talking in both directions.
For someone who is private, this was quite difficult. The next step was family and work. Do I tell or not. Prognosis was uncertain at the time, and the lump was large, scans were done. One scan was the evening before work, one was the next morning so I would be late to work. But the hospital, once they knew I was coming back the next morning managed to fit that scan in that evening. Bless them, saved a journey and some anguish! But I went to school the next morning as usual. Why am I in, you were going to be late? This was about a week after diagnosis, mentally up and down, but I suddenly decided to tell. Stunned silence. But it was actually the best decision I made. Very, very difficult for someone who doesn't talk about themselves. Likewise with my business. I wasn't sure if I was going to be around, if I was, was I going to be able to work, etc etc. Cancer has a bad reputation sometimes in that it is a hidden disease. But I knew I was in for an operation and who knew what.
Once I had the MDT meeting results and a plan, I did a phased telling of family and a few friends. For some reason I 'knew' I was not going to make it past the operation. I'd come to terms with my mortality and was ok with it. I'd sorted the animals future and was ready. Even asked the anesthetist if he'd wake me up (yes! The paperwork was too great otherwise!!!) . Obviously I came round!
But it would have been so, so much harder to tell everyone after the event. Particularly when you then get 30 weeks of chemo, which cannot be hidden. A year got wiped out. I wanted to prevent anyone from feeling like my daughter before, of why wasn't I told? She will hold a slight grudge forever. I think I'm saying you don't know how people will react. A few months in, I was not keeping it quiet, not shouting either, just letting it come up in conversation or not.
So, if you've got this far, just a viewpoint on whether to tell... or not. My instinct was to not tell. But I did, painfully and anxiously. And it was the best course of action in the long term. Less stress.
Big hugs to everyone in this predicament, it is not easy, no one answer fits all. Stay safe.
Really great post and sums it up well. I have found people have been amazing. Some immediately sent all kinds of gifts and care packages, some just quietly said, if there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask. The kids (1 young adult, 1 young teen) have both handled it well. Yes, it’s hard, but it feels better being straightforward with them than trying to shield them. Yes both had big wobbles in acting out. But I still think they needed to hear it straight. Most people have been great - they casually ask often how we’re doing, and it’s just perfect- a door-opener when we feel like talking, but easy to shrug off when we don’t. A few have been annoying- sending herbal cures and such. 
Or being too positive when in reality we know what we’re facing is very tough. But it’s been fine putting up with them in exchange for the genuine help we’ve received from so many. We have always been extremely independent- so the surprise has been how nice it has been to occasionally get support. And it’s just a relief to not feel like I’m hiding anything. Work has been perfect. Once I burst into tears and everyone just thought that was fine.
However, I also think it’s valid if people want to keep it quiet or withdraw. I know many people with cancer turn angry, and they don’t want to be around others especially because they don’t want to show anger to those they love but can’t help it. So they shut people out. I get it and that’s ok too. This is a lousy disease and I think any reaction is valid. But my choice is just to let people know.
I did give brief updates as it’s part of life . My mum actually just got one through the other date that included scan results .
It gave her the opportunity to follow up with a call . That’s the part you might want to think about . Some people like to manage the situation by setting up a WhatsApp group for friends/family. It gives a measure of control but also stops you getting overwhelmed.
Take care ,
Court
Helpline Number 0808 808 0000
I gave updates in cards . My mum has just received one like that .
Some use WhatsApp to help manage close friends and family and stop being overwhelmed.
Take care ,
Court
Helpline Number 0808 808 0000
Thank you for posting, I've been wondering how much to tell my teens. I've told my adult son there's a high likely hood I have bowel cancer and whether the biopsies come back as malignant or benign I'll be having surgery to remove the mass.
The 3 littles (4, 2 and 6mths) have been told "mummy is poorly and has to go to hospital for an operation soon which will hopefully make her better". However, I'm torn between whether to actually use 
the word cancer or not with the teens (15 and almost 17) because my MDT team is quite positive there are no signs of spread, so I shouldn't need chemo.
Cancer is such a scary word for most people, I'm not sure how I'd cope if it caused them genuine anxiety, but we've also had a few behaviour issues and I don't want them to then use this as an excuse 
to get away with things.
Torn!
