I've been around this site for a couple of years now, and it is always helpful. Recently I've seen threads that say that I'm not going to tell my family the news. I fully understand that it is a personal decision, and we are all different. It's just that as a family we had a different experience which changed my outlook when I got diagnosed, else I would have followed this route.
Let me explain. About 15ish years ago my father-in-law was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma. His choice, but he kept it quiet for a while, then when he couldn't , he banned visitors. This was upsetting as family, but it was very difficult for my daughter, around 9 or 10 at the time. She couldn't see her grandad, didn't mind he was ill, just wanted to see him. It was over 18 months before we got to visit again.
When I was diagnosed I also thought I'd keep quiet. I was diagnosed at the colonoscopy and scans were immediately set up. Daughter knew I'd been, so in a small house it wasn't an option not to tell so I did. She absorbed it, now a young adult, and then the hurt from before came out. Was I going to hide away, not see anyone, not talk to anyone...I can't remember all the argument but it made a profound impression. I just had no idea how grandad's decision had been taken, by a child. So I made my daughter a promise that I'd not hide anything from her, we'd keep talking in both directions.
For someone who is private, this was quite difficult. The next step was family and work. Do I tell or not. Prognosis was uncertain at the time, and the lump was large, scans were done. One scan was the evening before work, one was the next morning so I would be late to work. But the hospital, once they knew I was coming back the next morning managed to fit that scan in that evening. Bless them, saved a journey and some anguish! But I went to school the next morning as usual. Why am I in, you were going to be late? This was about a week after diagnosis, mentally up and down, but I suddenly decided to tell. Stunned silence. But it was actually the best decision I made. Very, very difficult for someone who doesn't talk about themselves. Likewise with my business. I wasn't sure if I was going to be around, if I was, was I going to be able to work, etc etc. Cancer has a bad reputation sometimes in that it is a hidden disease. But I knew I was in for an operation and who knew what.
Once I had the MDT meeting results and a plan, I did a phased telling of family and a few friends. For some reason I 'knew' I was not going to make it past the operation. I'd come to terms with my mortality and was ok with it. I'd sorted the animals future and was ready. Even asked the anesthetist if he'd wake me up (yes! The paperwork was too great otherwise!!!) . Obviously I came round!
But it would have been so, so much harder to tell everyone after the event. Particularly when you then get 30 weeks of chemo, which cannot be hidden. A year got wiped out. I wanted to prevent anyone from feeling like my daughter before, of why wasn't I told? She will hold a slight grudge forever. I think I'm saying you don't know how people will react. A few months in, I was not keeping it quiet, not shouting either, just letting it come up in conversation or not.
So, if you've got this far, just a viewpoint on whether to tell... or not. My instinct was to not tell. But I did, painfully and anxiously. And it was the best course of action in the long term. Less stress.
Big hugs to everyone in this predicament, it is not easy, no one answer fits all. Stay safe.
