Feeling down

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Hi everyone, I just feel the need to write it all down or I may burst. I dont know if anyone else has experienced this , having waited the 42 days to get my biopsy results ( god that was so stressful ) , they came back atypical cells and for a very short period of time I felt relieved and elated. I now feel like I just want to scream at the world . It has been a year since my lovely sister died suddenly, and my dog died 3 months ago and my son is struggling with anxiety over things happening in his life. My hubby is away at his parents in scotland as they are both unwell. I dont feel like I am coping at the moment and could do with a break from all this sorrow and worry. I am really worried that the consultant tomorrow will just insist on monitoring me or bladder out. I feel like nothing in my life is in my control.  Thanks for listening.

I wont go to the GP with this as they just offer drugs which i wont take.

much love to you all Angela x

  • Hi Angela.Sorry you are feeling down.I can relate to the out of my control feeling although my circumstances are different.This horrible state of being in limbo and dealing with grief and illness is tough.Have you talked to anyone at Macmillan ? Would you be able to have a little break somewhere for a change of scenery ? Let us know how it goes with the consultant.I hope you are able to express your worries at the appointment.Sending a big hug Jane xxx

  • Bless you Jane, always here with words of comfort and understanding. I just think I have kept it all bottled up from family and friends . Some of my siblings dont even know my dog has died let alone that i have bladder cancer .I know its foolish to keep putting on the brave face , but i cant seem to share with my family right now. I dont know why. 

    Thankyou for being there, I dont know how I would have got through the last 10months without you all .

    much love Angela xx

    Much love Angela x

  • Hi Angela,I found the Cruse helpline very good for dealing with grief.They were able to explain the various feelings you experience and that did help.They are there to listen.I think you would feel better to offload to someone.It isn’t good to keep things bottled up although I can appreciate you want to protect your family.You must think of your own mental health.It is ok to say I’m struggling a bit and need support.Love and hugs Jane xxx

  • Hi Angela. Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit low. I think we all have our down days so know how you feel. Hopefully you will get some good news tomorrow. The sun has come out here after all that nasty weather so that always lifts the spirits. Best wishes.

    Best wishes to All,   rily.

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  • Hello Angela, no wonder you are feeling stressed. 42 days is too long to wait on a biopsy result., Thank goodness you have the Consultant tomorrow. Make sure you write down any questions you have and take notes of the answers, you will want to reflect back on the answers later. Do you have a close friend who might go with you? Two pairs of ears are better than one. But take heart, I have had 5 biopsies come back with overtly clear cancer cells and straight back into a TURBT! Yet here I am 6 years after diagnosis still rolling along. You have had some terrible losses in the past year and I don't underestimate how dreadful it is to lose your dog, I've been there myself xx It may be that tomorrow you will be offered a Cancer Specialist Nurse, and they can be your best friend in this confusing situation, while you are considering various treatment options. Fingers crossed for you tomorrow. Keep us posted, sending hugs H x

  • Hi Angela

    I’m so sorry to read how you’re feeling-you’re always so kind and supportive to everyone else, but no wonder you need a bit of that yourself at times. I’m just sending you a big virtual hug as that’s all I can do, but it’s heartfelt. Putting on a brave face all the time is really tough -been there done that myself, and I’m not sure it was good for me. I found it better when I started to open up more, because I was protecting others more than myself.

    You have gone through a lot with all you’ve had to deal with, so allow yourself to scream if you want! It must be harder with your hubby being away and also the worry of unwell in laws, so cut yourself some slack and know that how you feel is quite normal for now but it will pass and get better. I try to keep telling myself that after a very difficult year, and already I see things looking up, so it’s helping for me. It helps that I have learned from my partner to look always for the silver lining in every situation, no matter what. 

    I hope that you have a positive appointment with the consultant tomorrow and things will seem brighter soon for you. Chin up and keep plodding on, and know that everyone here will be rooting for you.

    Sarah xx


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  • Thankyou so much Herothedog. It has been a very difficult time trying to come to terms with my sister and my beautiful old dog. I miss both of them so much everyday. 

    So 5 biopsies is some stress that you have experienced also, 6 years on is inspiring and I thankyou for that reassurance and encouragement.

    please god tomorrow he will agree to me starting bcg again. Fingers crossed

    much love to you Herothedog

    Angela xx

    Much love Angela x

  • Hi SarahH21, your hug was well received and definitely needed today. Mostly I am trying to protect my son ( always been abit over protective, he is my only child. I got cancer when he was two yrs old and I have spoilt him terribly since), hes having a rough time himself right now but working on it positively. Its not the right time to tell him yet.

    Actually it just occurred to me there is a Maggies about 8 miles from me. I may go in the morning before my appointment with consultant.

    You see, just talking to you and the other lovely folk on here is helping to lift my mind to act instead of sitting in my own head. I feel thid forum is such a safe space to open up.

    Thankyou SarahH21 I know you have been through one hell of a time yourself. Sending a hug right back at ya xx

    Much love Angela x

  • Thanks Jane, I think I am going to try Maggies tomorrow and see how that goes. I have heard that Cruse is very good , I will look into that as well. Sending you much love Jane xx

    Much love Angela x

  • Dear Halofan, hoping tomorrow is positive for you. I do find this forum, ie the people on it, a help. Late 2022 we lost my elder sister in tragic circumstances [not suicide] and it impacted most on our younger sister who dealt with almost everything single handed, even if it was her choice. Since then her husband died unexpectedly albeit in his late 80s and she has completely fallen to bits. We are the other end of the country so all I can do is phone. I am going to suggest Cruse again after what lovely folk have posted here about the helpline.

    many thanks, and several warm virtual hugs,

    Denby