Depression

Hi Maci and so sorry to hear this. As the wife of a man with bc who has so far hung on to everything. I am it is true not in the same situation as your wife. But I do wonder if she says this at least partly because she thinks it will take the pressure off you rather than because it doesn't bother her at all. May I suggest you ask your GP for an as-urgent-as-possible referral to Andrology? Hormone issues probably related to another lifelong condition my husband has, led us to this department, they have been absolutely wonderful. Very non-embarrassing and kind to both of us.

I would also ask your GP to order blood tests for your testosterone levels, as these fundamentally affect your mood as well as purely physical sexual function. They get too low in quite a few older-ish people. A good prescription treatment is a sachet of gel to rub on your forearms every morning so not even pills to take.

Hope you can get some help soon. Maybe the GP can also get you some counselling? And or ask the Macmillan helpline, as they must be experts in dealing with people whose cancer has taken away something very important from their lives.

Denby

Hi Maci,I’m so sorry you are feeling depressed.I got very low during the recovery phase of the cystectomy.I found trying to remain positive too much of a strain.It was easier to go with whatever emotion I was feeling that day.Cry if you need to.Do you have any one you can talk to about how you are feeling ? I came on here a lot and people were kind and supported me through the bad days.Denby has given you some good advice.It’s certainly not just you.It’s a big operation to go through and coming to terms with the bodily changes is not easy.I tried to do 3 positive things each day and sometimes wrote down how I felt.I found being outside with nature helpful and the Macmillan agent was good to talk to.I would seek some help but hopefully you should turn a corner soon.Best wishes Jane

The testosterone test is a good tip & was the first thing my GP suggested when I approached him. If you perservere, you may find that even with a flacid penis, that with a bit of mental stimulation that you can masterbate to climax. I've tried Viagra which had no effect, although sildenafil gave me a partial errection (25%) & made my face flushed.

I've been through my depression - crying every day & my wife has had extreme mental health problems almost leading to suicide. Find something to interest you, personally, I leant about cryptocurrency & now try to take my wife out on trips together as much as possible.

Finding an interest does help.I took up art again.I did a lot of genealogy too,that was absorbing.Jane

Hi Maci,

I discussed precisely that problem with my Consultant Urologist, who referred me to a specialist with the rather grand title of "Urology Clinical Nurse Specialist", she explained that "No erection, no sex" is not neccessarily so- there ar a number of options probably available to you on the NHS -- vacuum pump, Caverjet  or MUSE.

I have tried all three and much prefer the MUSE - they all work, some more convenient  and /or effective than others - I can now achieve  better erections than before the op'.-- we are all different and trial and error is the way forward.

Another post suggests that possibly your wife is trying to make you feel better by professing a disinerest - again, exactly the same here !  - that's the thin end of the wedge to your "no sex" -- you may find that the prospect of some effective help will prompt you both to a more positive outlook and start to enjoy each other again.

Have you tried “Trimix”? It is the ultimate fix for making limp penis hard but has to be injected in the penis. Sounds like torture but it really doesn’t hurt. I found it to work but more of a fix for the wife since it somewhat numbs the penis but keeps it hard. 

So sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I know a guy I work with and he is in the same situation, but he's overly positive with the situation. Without wanting to sound dismissive the alternative could be much worse so you have to be thankful for even the small things no matter how bad things seem and feel. 

Easier said than done I understand but you have to take life's little pleasures and make the most of them, again easier said than done but a positive outlook no matter how bad things are can help with the depression and in general. 

I'm not suggesting it is easy at all for you to deal with but talk to your wife and specialists, blue pills may be able to help somewhat possibly. I don't have any real experience in that situation but I do feel for you. 

Try and stay strong and get help to treat the depression and talk it out as much as you can. 

Wishing you the best of luck. 

I would just add that depression after major surgery is not uncommon, so would be worth contacting your GP or other mental health services. 

Do follow up on the suggestion re erectile dysfunction, but do bear in mind that intimacy and a close relationship are still possible without. Maybe some counselling along those lines might help too. Best wishes.