Loneliness and tired of fighting this.

Hello and a welcome to the group to you. Sorry to hear your relationship is under pressure owing to your cancer. We know that a cancer diagnosis affects not just the person involved, but has adverse effects on family and close friends. It could be that your partner is worried for you and feels helpless that he cannot do anything. People react differently and are sometimes in denial. Just the word cancer has an effect on people and they can't find the right thing to say. The support of loved ones is very important and hopefully he will come to terms of what you are dealing with. It may take time. Best wishes.

Hi Bad bladder and also welcome to the group. I'm really sorry to hear how you are feeling as things go on. I see things rather from the other side of the coin, as it is my husband who has the bc. Could you suggest to him that there is a carers group among the forums here, and or that he approaches the local county Carers' Association? Here he might get some support for himself, it is not always easy to stay patient as I have found. Recently I had a blissful free of charge 2 hours albeit at home on zoom, with a free watercolour painting tutorial, for which lovely materials had been sent by post beforehand. This was done by carers in Derbyshire. Also if he is 60+, is there a local branch of Men in Sheds? They are working towards re-opening in a covid-safe way all over the country. 

The MacMillan helpline are also perfectly happy to chat with family as well as patients, as I have found, and can be very helpful.

Remember too, males have naturally lower levels of oxytocin, which you might describe as an empathy hormone.

I do hope something useful comes from these ideas for you both,

Denby

I think in a way or the other, some more,  some less, we all have had a similar experience. I am lucky as my wife is wonderful and lets me talk. She listens and is always reassuring. But I can see that sometimes she doesn't really understand. And I think it is normal. What we are faced with sometimes is so dark that those who aren't experiencing it have difficulty understanding. It must be a form of self preservation. I have realised that never in my life I have actually, really been so scared. No personal loss or other similar experiences have ever made me understand what it means to fear the end. After the diagnosis, the TURBT,  the planning of the treatment all has become much much better. But before all that I was in a terror state... it is normal and once you see that there are treatments to cure this cancer you will feel better. Try not to be too hard with the people around you. You are not alone and everyone is different in how they react to difficult situation, without compromising how much they actually care for you. 

Hi, I'm so sorry your feeling this way right now, my hubby went to all my appointments with me so that he could understand what I was going through at that point. Could you maybe write a letter to your partner if they're not wanting to talk? 

Just offering another perspective here. I was the patient and admit I tended to shut Mr T out - I preferred to attend appointments alone & give him a suitably edited report (I have better medical knowledge & interest than him).  He certainly would have come if I asked. I knew he would be upset & I felt I couldn't cope with that as well as my own reactions. But when I did want to talk, use him as sounding board, he didn't seem to want to hear. On one occasion he spoke about not wanting to lose me, as though I had any control over the matter, which felt unhelpful when I had to make a difficult choice. It was only much later, post RC, that he said the day of my op was the worst day of his life & I realised just how scared he had been.

Difficult as it can be, it is only by talking & being honest about feelings, perhaps coming to an agreement about how to cope together, can you both hope to understand & best manage the situation. 

Hi bad bladder,

Hope you are feeling a little better.. How's your treatment going? 

All the best!!

Marco