Anal cancer - finished treatment 1 year ago, sex still too painful

Hi Marione,

Yes, I finished my treatment four years ago and although I tried using the dilators it was very painful. I bought some softer silicone ones which are a bit better, and I had a couple of sessions with a pelvic physiotherapist. I still get them out and have a try but I seem to have a lot of scar tissue and bleed quite a lot.

If it's important to you, I would go back to square one and start trying to use the dilators again with lots of lube.

I know what you mean about husbands; mine didn't really engage either; In the end I just found it embarrassing and I began to feel like I was talking about my vagina to the bloke in the corner shop. We have given up and I assume my husband 'entertains himself' in other ways.

I would say try to stick with it, the loss of intimacy is worse than the loss of sex so try to make sure you keep on with some physical contact even if it's just hugs and kisses. Maybe you could explain, and ask him for help, like it was a both-of-you issue. I know we are all different and I have not dealt with this well myself, but given my time again I would perhaps try some sex toys or something you could use together; just try not to let things go too far or it's hard to get back.

Good luck

Hello Marione

I hear you. I certainly didn't use the gadgets at first, I was still in the throes of after effects and sex was the furthest thing from my mind.  However, in the end I managed with the gadgets but when eventually my husband and I did try to have sex (armed with plenty lubricant), before even penetration the skin in my perineum split which made it too painful.  I suppose I should have persevered but getting on with life after cancer treatment took precedence.  I still have the occasional dream where we are having really enjoyable sex and think we should try again.

I, too, wish you all the luck in the world, and please do come back and share if you find a solution.

Big hug

Irene xx

Hi Marione
I’m so sorry you are going through this too.  

i finished my treatment chemo/radiation last Christmas. I’ve used the dilators on & off but each time it’s like starting over again. Prior to my diagnosis we had a fantastic sex life but since my treatment we’ve almost managed it twice but had to stop as my perinium split. Not in a massive way but way too sore to continue. My husband is 11 years younger than me & I feel really down that we might lose this part of our lives. I’ve even thought of asking if the hospital can do something surgically to help me. I don’t know if that’s an option. Sending you a big hug x

Thank you for your reply !it's the loss of intimacy I miss most .Not even a cuddle I don't miss the sex

I'm hoping to Inform others what to expect when treatment is finished. Bit I'm greatful for my health and have great family and friends.

Yes I’m lucky that we still have that. I didn’t expect it to be this difficult still 9 months after treatment. 
take care & I hope things improve for you x

Hi Marione, 

I finished my treatment end of  June last year and religiously used the dilators for 8 months . We struggled but found other ways of being intimate .. I felt the cancer had robbed me of my femininity despite being an older girl !!! My partner never pressurised me but slowly we have learnt to cope with a new normal sex life and at times have managed a near normal one … 

I have struggled with late side effects and not looking forward to seeing my oncologist next week , so intimate moments , whatever they entail are so important .. 

Take care , 

Chrissie xx

If you can, I would start trying to get that intimacy and affection back - just stroke his arm briefly in bed, or even ask 'can I have a hug?' in a non-sexual environment. He'll probably be really happy to; he must be missing some human touch too.
I really regret my neglecting this, and it's gone a bit far for me to rescue now, so I wish you every success. xx

Hi..sorry your still going through this..

Im 6 month post treatment..

Whilst sex is not the same as it was before .. im managing sex with my hubby..

I used the dilators every day.. I bought some softer silicon ones.. I also invested in a few new vibrators ..they do help opening up down there..

Wishing you all the very best.. dont give up 

Hi Squeak

Just jumping in here to ask if there are any specific brands of dilators etc. you can recommend. I will need to start using these soon and have been warned that the NHS ones are pretty awful so I think I will invest in some more pleasing ones!

Many thanks, Jo

Hi Dahlia68 

I got mine from lovehoney..

Thet are a set of 5.. starting with the smallest i used that one whilst having a bath.. the worked my way up.  Just type in silicone dilator set.. tgey are around 60 quid but we'll worth it..

• I also invested in  YES water based lubricant so I wasn't stingy after use..

IThen went into the Anne summers shop to look at the vibrators..im an expert at all things vibrators now ha.. I say start off small and when you ready invest in a larger one.. and enjoy the experience together with your partner  x good luck ..