Hello new on her

*here

Hi B84 ,

Firstly welcome to the Macmillan online community although I’m really sorry to hear of your mums diagnosis & subsequent surgeries. 

A cancer diagnosis has an effect that spreads far & wide, not only the patient has to deal with this awful news but also family & friends & speaking from the prospective of someone who has had a cancer diagnosis I think sometimes it’s easier to deal with when you are the one diagnosed. You very quickly have to come to terms with what’s happening to your body but sometimes I think family & friends, being the ones that support us, for them this is a bit more difficult & takes a lot longer. 

We have a group on the site specifically for family & friends Family and friends forum where you might find some likeminded people that have found different ways of coping with a family member/friend receiving a cancer diagnosis. There is also the Macmillan helpline 0808 808 00 00 if you wish to speak to someone in person. 

Unfortunately workplaces sometimes don’t offer the support we’d like or deserve but you have to do what’s right for you at this time. Do you have support with your children?

Nicola 

Hi 

Oh, I hope you can find it in yourself to be kinder to yourself! You've had a big shock too, and it's not surprising that you're feeling rocked off your center. I see the wonderful Nikki has already chimed in with suggestions as to where to find even more support on this forum. 

Be honest with your kids, to the degree that their ages are able to understand. Tell them that you're under a lot of stress and are sorry if you're distracted. 

Best wishes to you and your mum.

Suz

I am so, so sorry to hear of your mom’s diagnosis.  A cancer diagnosis is stunning to everyone close, of course.  It is unsurprising that you’re feeling off-center and maybe overwhelmed in your role as caregiver to mom and children.  It’s wonderful to have the resources posted by Nicola Nikki65 .  Community, even if only online, is a critical piece for all to heal.  I also agree wholeheartedly with Suz ridetbred …please be kind in your self-talk!  The fact that you’re worried about both your mother and your children, and came here to post, tells me you’re probably doing more and better than you realize!

I can chime in a bit regarding the kiddos.  I was diagnosed in August of 2021, and my children were 7 and 9 at the time.  I told them I had been diagnosed with cancer, and that it was treatable and even curable.  My daughter, 9 at the time, was extremely upset, my son, younger at 7 then, viewed it as any other illness and seemed less worried.  Over the course of treatment, we had several helpful talking points with them.  First, we talked about how life is full of “hard things,” and that we are very fortunate to have the resources and support to meet these hard things.  I told them I don’t mind being the team leader (quarterback, in American football speak), because I knew I had a wonderful team to help me win.  I told them it would be hardest on me, but it would be hard on us all, nonetheless.  Everyone would would have to make some sacrifices and be uncomfortable at times.  I promised I would do my part by taking very good care of myself through treatment —exercising, drinking water, eating healthy food, and resting well.   I explained that I might be very sick sometimes, but that meant the medicine was working.  I told them I’d need to rest a lot, so my body could repair. BUT, I also promised them that whenever I could do something “normal” with them, I would.  That year of treatment was, believe it or not, full of very joyful, very normal things!

One of the best things we talked about was “a bank of hard things.”  I explained to them that just like we save money in a bank, and then can get the money out of the bank for things we need to buy, we can also save the memories of these “hard things.”  I told them I have done other hard things in life, and through cancer I go back to my “bank of hard things” and tell myself “I have done these other hard things, I can clobber cancer, too.”  I told them they should put this time in their bank of hard things, because it won’t be the only hard thing they have to do, and it will be helpful to remember someday when they were a part of Mama’s cancer recovery.

Anyway, perhaps you can explain to your children that this will be a challenging time, but that they are an important part of the team for their grandmother, and that this will be valuable to them someday, even though it’s not ideal right now.  Resilience taught in an indirect way, as a way to look at it.

Best wishes to you, your mum, and your kiddos as you navigate this challenge.  I have a feeling you will all rise to it.

Hugs,

Red

I should add!!

A very important thing to emphasize to kids is that no matter what, their basic needs will be met through this challenging time.  My husband and I made sure to specify that if I couldn’t cook, he could pick up food or someone (name a family member or friend) would bring a meal.  If I had an appointment and couldn’t pick them up from school, my husband or a family member/friend (again, be specific and tell them how you’ve already made arrangements with the helper person) would always be there on time for them.  

You get the idea—giving them specific info that you’ve planned and have support will ease their first and very valid worries of “how does this affect me.”

Red

Thank you so much for getting back to me & I've joined the friend & family group 

Thank you for getting back to me & sharing your experience. I appreciate it so much 

Thank you x

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum's diagnosis, and also your own struggles.  We look at our parents and think they are invincible and sadly they sometimes become ill and their suffering and vulnerability really does knock you sideways.  Your mother will be well aware of your feelings.  As a mother of two grown daughters (both with children) I seriously debated whether to tell them or not, one had a new-born and the other was going through a lot of stress at work and I didn't want them to worry.  How daft was I.  I can't believe I even considered that, we are such an open, close family and I quickly realised that protecting them from the news that affected us all wasn't fair or feasible.  And everyone rallied round, they share my medical online calendar and are completely involved in my treatment.  Importantly (as you feel in your case), both of them freely admit that it affected, directly and indirectly, their children. 

So both my daughters told their children who ranged from four to six at the time.  They were told I had cancer, needed a lot of treatment, was going to have a lot of strong medicine, lose my hair and that I needed lots of cuddles.  So they all saw my bald head, stroked it, tried on my hats and congregated on my bed and yes, had lots of cuddles.  I had a few weeping sessions with my daughters and it was so cathartic for us all - all the fears and nightmares came out and then we had a few glasses of very nice wine.  The fears are always there but they are much more easily shared and diminished.  More importantly, their children (and they weren't unduly frightened) were aware that there was a family crisis going on.

One of the (few) things I have learned over time is that children are enormously forgiving.  I don't know how old your children are but maybe share that Grandma has an illness or whatever detail is right for you.  You may be surprised by their reaction when you are feeling particularly overwhelmed.  

Nicola has shared some excellent links for extra support.  Please do come back and let us know how you are, and your Mum, I am thinking of you.

Irene xx