How do I tell my qe year old child im having treatment?

Hi Ian L c2e27 ,

It’s a difficult conversation to have & a different one for each of us as only we know our children & how they’re likely to process things so the best I can do is to share my experience. 

I have 2 daughters, my eldest has a learning disability & was 29 at the time of my diagnosis, she has her own home where she lives with her housemate with support. I never mentioned cancer to her as she would have had me dead & buried! I told her I had a lump where there shouldn’t have been one & needed a small operation & some ‘zapping’ after that to make it go away & that might make me a bit poorly for a few weeks but then I’d be better & she seemed satisfied with that. Thankfully that’s exactly what happened! My youngest daughter was coming up to 16 & was studying for her GCSE’s. She also suffers with anxiety on a couple of different levels one being health related so I was absolutely dreading that conversation. In the end I was totally honest with her about my diagnosis, she was obviously still at home, just her & I as we’d lost her dad in an accident 9 years prior, I told her it was cancer but it was early stages & it was fully expected to be curable with treatment, again I told her I would possibly not be at my best during the treatment & for a few weeks after but I would be ok. It was a difficult conversation but it had to be done as living together I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fly this one under the radar. I actually started my treatment on the same day that she had her first exam which wasn’t great timing for either of us. My lovely dad came to stay with us while I was having treatment in case I needed extra help at home (I live around 200 miles from my immediate family) but thankfully with afternoon naps & early nights I managed ok & the only thing dad found himself doing was walking my dog for me, accompanying me to my daily hospital appointments & on weekly shopping trips to the supermarket & flashing the hoover round each day but I’m incredibly thankful he was there for me as my emotional support throughout it all. 

So I guess what I’m saying is you know your son best & how he’s likely to process the news so can adjust the conversation with that in mind. Kids are a lot more switched on these days than we give them credit for so with careful wording & explanations he may cope better than you’re anticipating. 

An added bonus, I was able to go with my youngest to collect her exam results on results day & she did amazing! They’re also a lot more resilient than we think. 

Nicola 

Hello Ian

It seems unbelievable to me now, but when I was first diagnosed I wasn't even going to tell my daughters, both adults with families of their own.  This was in spite of the fact that I was going to have systemic chemo first and lose all my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes.  Of course reality struck very quickly and we told them both.  Then there was the issue with the grandchildren, the three elder ones were seven and four.  But my daughters (and I left the choice to them) told them, and thereafter all my grandchildren were involved with me all the way through, visited me, tried on my chemo caps and had a feel of my bald head.  It was interesting that they told teachers and other pupils at school and a whole support network came together for them and crucially for my daughters (who needed help too).

I completely understand that you want to protect your son, but children and young people are a lot more resilient than you think.  And what may be infinitely worse for him is knowing that there is something major going on in your life, that it is serious but he is in the dark as to what it is exactly.  It could be a major positive for him to know that the illness of cancer takes many forms and what very sadly happened to your father certainly doesn't happen to everyone and that the big C word isn't always that big.  One is two people (according to statistics) will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime.

You have my very best wishes as you navigate this, I will be thinking of you and him and hoping it all goes well.

Irene xx

Hi Ian,

I completely get this, I have a son too and he is a worrier who has also lost grandparents to cancer.

He knew I had been at the doctors for my 'sore bottom', and when I was diagnosed I said to him something like 'Hey, you know I had that sore bottom? Well, turns out it's a tumour, and I'll need to have some treatment for it, then I should be fine.'

I went on to say I didn't need an operation, I would have medicine (did not say chemo, it was just tablets) and the tumour would be zapped with radiotherapy for a few weeks to really sort it out. 

Although in myself I was terrified, knew I couldn't let it dominate me or I would have been a weeping mess. I had to tell my sister that I would need a gentle kick if I began to lose it; somehow I didn't. 

That is four years ago, and I think I have mentioned the C word two or three times now that it is all over, just so he doesn't suddenly think I didn't tell him. 

Hope you come to the right way to explain to your boy - I would just stay focused on telling him it is very treatable. Remind yourself of that too!!! We are fortunate to have a form of cancer that responds so well to chemoradiation. 

xx

Hi  thanks everyone for all your message. Your advice has been aligned with the way I thought i would approach the situation.

Now the dilemma is when to tell people ad I haven't even told my parents yet so it's unfair to tell my son and then for my parents to hear something from him.

My parents are decent people and there is so much in the calendar at the moment and things going on in their lives that I dont want to give them more worry 

My mum is going on holiday mid September which she has looked forward to for so lomg and I don't want to tell her before because she will cancel, and if she doesn't cancel she'll be worried sick and itll ruin her holiday which I don't want that to happen. I want her to enjoy her retirement and not be worried about me.

My Dad is also not well with stage 4 prostate mets so I dont want to worry him. He also has a lot on his plate with his brother who has massive drink problem and my dad ia carrying the can for his issues.i know he's worried sock about him and I dont want to add to his stress 

My parents are decent people with good values but are getting a little older and have enough going on without worrying about me. That said, if I start treatment and I don't tell them, they will also be upset

I think it's about picking the right moment

Yes, the right moment is a difficult thing to find. But you know you will have to do it, so I suppose its the least worst option you are looking for.

I found that people picked up signals from me, so I found the easiest option was to go right in with the 'treatable so it'll be fine' aspect when I wanted to be careful with those I told, and saved the internal panicky stuff I was feeling for a couple of close friends. 

Your parents will always worry about you, as you will about them, but these are the times when having a caring family to support you is one of the things which will help you through. 

Hi again Ian L c2e27 ,

I completely understand your concerns also surrounding breaking your news to your parents, I too had the same concerns, my dad was 80 & my mum was 75 & caring for her twin sister, my aunt, who had multiple health issues & was housebound. I told my sister who in no uncertain terms said I must tell them. I did tell them that evening unfortunately over the phone as I mentioned earlier I live a way away from them, but like Mrs Vanilla quickly went on to tell them that it was treatable & the treatments had a high success rate. Yes there were tears on both ends & I felt a tremendous amount of guilt about burdening my kids & parents with this news but in hindsight it was the right thing to do.

What I will say is there will never be a ‘right’ time or a ‘good’ time to tell your parents about your diagnosis but you will need to do it. I put myself in my parents position & if one of my kids had gone through something such as a cancer diagnosis & hadn’t told me I’d be mortified, it’s my job as their mum to support them through the good times & the bad & I’m sure your parents will feel the same. Having said this it’s your own personal choice & we’re here to support you however we can.

Nicola 

Hello Ian

You have had some really good advice Mrs Vanilla and Nicola - my parents were no longer around when I was diagnosed but my very elderly mother was when my sister had a massive stroke seven years ago.  I had a discussion with my other sisters and we decided she had to know, that this could not be hidden.  My sister rang my Mum for a chat very regularly and my Mum was very astute and would have known immediately that something was wrong when the phone calls stopped.  It was absolutely the best thing to do even though it was really upsetting for us all at the time.  And we were all amazed at Mum's resilience - at 96 she was remarkably stoic and still looking after all her girls!

But whatever I say here, it doesn't make your task any easier, I know that.  Very best of luck and a big hug

Irene xx

Thanks for all the advice everyone id greatly appreciated and we'll received

 Now that  I've had my oncology appointment  im going to povk tge right moment to tell everyone xx