Dears, thank you so much for all the support and advice I've had since I joined this group. Since I'm in the US, I don't really know how I landed here (thanks, Google!), but this group is better than any of the few I tried that were US-based, so hugs to you all!
I"m now a little over 3 months past treatment. Things are SO much better- but not all the way better. Maybe it was unrealistic to hope that I'd be pain-free and carefree by now. Last week I had SEVEN good days- a new record! But every day so far this week has been really painful, like need an opiate to cope with it painful. I"m so discouraged.
My first post-treatment appointments start next week, one each with my chemo doc, my radiation doc and my gastroenterologist. I'm not generally a wimpy person, but I'm almost paralyzed with dread.
My chemo doc is a sweetheart and I'm not worried about seeing him. He's never 'examined' me and is always positive and encouraging. He'll be my first appointment.
Next comes my gastro, who is my saviour, an amazing woman who actually LISTENEd to me when I told her of the pain I was experiencing and refused to fob me off like seven others before her had done. She rummaged about in there and sure enough, she's the one who found the tumor. She's going to rummage about again in her office, but she's gentle and kind and it'll hurt but I can handle it. She's already said she'll need to knock me out again to do a more invasive exam and probably another biopsy (as it was only the biopsy that found the cancer in the first place) and that'll send me back into the stratospheric pain for at least another week. I curl up into a ball thinkiing of going back to that degree of pain.
Worst is my radiation oncologist, who is, I'm sure, a brilliant doctor and the one primarily in charge of my treatment. But he's got an awful bedside manner, and, worse, he's a tall, big man with fingers the size of sausage buns and when he flipped me over for an 'exam' last time he was so rough that I was in agony for over 24 hours.
I looked into switching docs but, not surprisingly, enormous fingers aren't a basis for doing so. And to be real, if my cancer is gone now, he's the one most responsible for eradicating it.
But I'm absolutely frozen with terror at the thought of him digging around in there again.
Anyone got any advice for talking myself through this?
I'm also unhappy at my husband, who is my lover and preux chevalier, again witnessing my humiliating exam, but I need him there both to listen to and remember what the doctors say, and to advocate for me if necessary.
Hi Irene I wish I could say something that would eradicate your fears but unfortunately I can not the only advice I can give is to think to yourself it’s one more day after that it’s done with
I hope it all goes well for you and is not as painful as you think it will be (don’t forget the tumour causing the pain initially has gone ) please keep us updated big hugs 
Hi ridetbred, wow that scope sounded painful!! These aren’t commonplace here in the UK in follow-up appointments, generally it’s scans & DRE’s (digital rectal examinations) & sometimes EUA’s (examination under anaesthetic) to check out suspected scar tissue etc., if the need arises.
I’ve definitely suffered anal stenosis, it was mentioned by both my oncologist & surgeon that things were pretty tight back there & for the first 3 years (approximately) following treatment I relied daily on stool softeners to keep comfortable when having a bowel movement but for the last year I’ve only used them once in a blue moon & my surgeon mentioned that he thought the stenosis was slightly improved when I saw him in June.
I think knowing how painful the scope was I’d be asking for some kind of pain relief if I were in your shoes too! Like you I think there must be something in between nothing & a general anaesthetic that would take the edge off!
Nicola
