Waiting......

The waiting part is horrendous and I struggled massively. You do go through every emotion possible and some you didn't even know existed lol!!

You move through all the different phases of the process and feel all sorts. Personally in hindsight I gave up work to early because my head was all over the place and thought things would happen quicker than they did. I would have been better keeping myself distracted. Easier said than done though.

For me, and I suffer with ridiculous anxiety, I was annoyed that I wasnt feeling normal anymore and that I suddenly felt different to everyone else. I overcame that one night when I went out with some friends and felt overwhelmingly like their worlds were going on without me and I felt so sorry for myself. So I decided to accept that actually, no, this isn't normal and I don't have it in me to pretend otherwise, so for now, I'll suspend normality - temporarily things ARE going to be different and I've got to accept that.

Other people I've spoken to have am amazing resilience and go about this all within their normality- I'm very much in awe of those people! 

Coming on here and talking to people that have been through this has really helped me to process some of those feelings and realise how different everyone is.

I've just finished week 1 and my emotions now are all different. It's a bit of rollercoaster that's for sure.

Deb x 

Hi Deb and Deb,

I’m feeling so much chirpier today, have got over my scary dream and started thinking about planning meals and stuff. I also decided to buy a new dressing gown but bought a dress instead 

Debh1- what did you eat in your first week? I live on my own so want to get organised and also try and work out when I will need friends to help or my bf to come and stay. 

Deb1E - it really helps to know we are going through this together. My treatment is due to start 29th July or 5th August.

i has a night out with some girlfriends recently and burst into tears halfway through.  I was mortified at crying in public and so overwhelmed. My friend were great, calmed me down and we all got on with the evening and had a real laugh. I just need to remember that if I fall to pieces it’s OK, I’ll bounce back soon enough.

Have been making jokes about all this with my friends, including the butt tattoos, that seems to help too!

Trish xx

Hi Trish, 

I'm pleased to see you’re feeling a little more positive. Please don’t be afraid of breaking down when you feel the need, it’s healthy to let it all out it’s when you try holding it all inside that it does the damage & hurts like hell! It sounds as though you have a fabulous supportive bunch of friends around you, which is great, also if yourself & Deb find yourselves going through treatment around the same time that’ll be good if you can support each other through I did this with another lady on here that began treatment the same day as me, we exchanged phone numbers & messaged each other throughout, it was a huge comfort & I no longer felt alone. 

Food prep, great way of making good use of your time & taking your mind off things a little, I ate as normal throughout my treatment, I eat a pretty clean diet, I didn’t, unlike a lot of people, suffer with ‘bowel issues’ throughout treatment so was able to continue eating my usual food & my appetite wasn’t affected at all until the 2 weeks after treatment had finished. Just prepare the stuff you love to eat so if your appetite is a bit hit & miss there’ll always be something on hand that you find tasty. 

Regarding the tattoos, if they’re the same as mine you’ll get one on each side on your lower hip/top of thigh area & one at the front just below your bikini line in line with the other two. They’re literally a tiny pin prick with a bit of ink to help line up the radiotherapy machine for each treatment. I’m not sure about other hospitals but where I had my treatment, the Northern Centre for Cancer Care in Newcastle they offer a tattoo removal service post treatment also but to be perfectly honest I have trouble locating mine 15 months after having them done! 

Nicola xx

Hi Trish

Its good to hear that you are feeling a bit happier.

Food this last week. Well I think I may be pretty unusual in that my food planning went completely out of the window because I've been suffering with extreme nausea. This, apparently is quite unusual!! I've just eaten bits and pieces when I've felt like and not been really able to stick to meals, although at times I've just needed to eat.

The advice I had beforehand was to eat little and often, so plenty of smaller type things you can graze on. I think most people don't notice much difference in the first week, so probably what you would normally have. Sorry that doesn't help much - others can probably advise better than me!!

Deb x 

Morning Trish

Another early bird.  Pleased you are feeling better today.  My treatment is pencilled in for the same two dates and will let you know which as soon as I find out.  I have bitten the bullet and started to plan the next few weeks partly because I am self-employed so need to budget for not working but as a side effect I feel a bit more in control.

Not thought about what to eat yet would be interested to hear what Debh1 has to say but I have been looking around the internet for baggy knickers! 

It sounds like you have really good friends. My family and friends are very supportive but I find that if they are too nice to me I feel the tears building up.  Looks a bit odd in print but hopefully you know what I mean.

Pleased to see you are making jokes - I have a 19 year old son who does that for me - he's a stand up comedian/writer - I have always been the butt of some of his jokes (no pun intended) but he now has even more material.  However, he has introduced me to the "Colo-rectal" song on you-tube which is actually quite funny.  

Washing machine has just finished so will go and hang the washing out as it's a nice day - some things never change whatever is going on!

Have a good weekend

Deb1E

Hi Deb,

Once I get my project management head on this is all so much easier to deal with.

i just bought 3 pairs of ‘period pants’ from Amazon in a size up. I thought they'll be handy in the event of little accidents and very washable. Also got a waterproof mattress cover, hopefully unnecessarily but better safe than sorry. I think I’ll get some normal big pants from Sainsbury’s too.

I also ordered the (free) MacMillan recipes for people affected by cancer which is lovely, I’ve already made a couple of things.

Now going to put on the washing machine and then look up the colorectal song on YouTube.

xx

Trish

Love the You tube colorectal song!   My consultant once told me he set out to be a dentist but couldn't face looking in people's mouths all day, at which point he realised what he had said and we laughed!

My husband used to joke that we couldn't use the 'bottom' word as in bottom of the road, bottom shelf etc.

Yes the big knickers syndrome sounds familiar.   I bought a larger size for comfort.   Late on in treatment you may have soreness in the groin so don't need anything uncomfortable.I

Amazingly we all  cope through this treatment and the help and advice on this site is wonderful.

I am two years on now and proof of works so good luck to you new ladies!

Beryl

Hi Trish

Hope you are ok.

It seems you will be starting before me - had a telephone call today to say treatment now pencilled in to start Tuesday 27th August - apparently the hospital are v busy.  I know it can't be helped but it seems a long way off - don't find the waiting bit easy...

Deb1E

Hi Deb,

 I’ll find out my start dates next week, it feels like being in limbo not knowing. I’m wandering around not really getting anything done. I’ll let you know when I hear.

T xx

Hi

Just wondered how you are getting on - about to finally start on Tuesday so now beginning to panic.

Deb1E x