My second weekend off and I need it.
Going to the hospital every day is tedious. I now know that taking oral chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment is not the walk in the park I naively thought this would be.
I thought I would get through this without any side effects. My partner kept saying, in a very kind and gentle way, ‘I think you may be in a bit of denial’. He was right, I was in denial big time.
I think that I wanted life to stay the way it was, well, as it was before the daily bleeding and pooing glass after the surgery.
I think I was not just in denial about the treatment side effects I think I was also in denial about having anal cancer. It was like I was in the mind set that this is nothing really, just a little blip along with my plethora of other chronic health conditions
Now I think I recognise fully the seriousness of this disease and the size of the hammer that is being used to give me the best shot at being healed (hopefully).
The side effects so far,
It is uncomfortable when I go to the toilet. I feel like I am constipated but I’m not, if that makes sense. It’s like I want to go, can’t, but then I do, sometimes explosively (lovely).
I have this sensation that my anus is getting ready to crack, so I’m slapping on epiderm cream.
My mouth feels strange. It feels like I have thrush, but I don’t, but there are sore places so I’m gargling mouthwash from the hospital.
I woke up this morning with a needle pricking pain, a nerve pain in one of my testicles, Thankfully that went quite quickly.
The main thing I feel is tired, sometimes it feels like a very heavy drained sensation in my body. There have been days this week when I have thought of leaving a post on here but I had neither mental or physical energy to do it.
I have only just started and I already feel brow beaten by the treatment. I hate the waiting room, I hate having to drink three cups of water and wait half an hour with a bladder that feels the size of a walnut (I know this sensation is psychosomatic and not real).
I hate the fact that this treatment feels toxic and counter intuitive to good health.
I hate laying on the radiotherapy bed having my body manipulated to fit inside the laser lines before I move up toward the ceiling and the machine buzzes around me.
I hate the fact that I feel embarrassed when very young people pull my trousers and boxers further down my groin.
On a good side (not for my diabetes), I have discovered mince pies in the cafe and I treat myself to one, sometimes with a packet of crisps and a foul tasting coffee.
Then I try to remind myself that I am lucky to have a cancer that has an extremely high chance of “successfully high.
x
Hi LCraig ,
I think we can all relate in some way or another to your post! I can especially appreciate the feelings of fatigue that you seem to be experiencing, I used to think that when someone said they were fatigued it was just like being tired but tiredness, even extreme tiredness, you can push through to a certain extent but fatigue truly does stop you in you tracks & your description of the heavy, drained feeling made me recall what that really felt like (I haven’t had true fatigue before that treatment or since I recovered from it either!). Be kind to yourself, rest when you need to, when you feel up to it do something that you love, something that brings a little light into your day, try to counteract the dismal feelings that the treatment is leaving you with, sometimes easier said than done I know but even if it’s something as simple as getting cozied up on the sofa with your partner & watching a movie.
You’re a week & a half down already & I know you sometimes feel that it’ll go on forever but it won’t, like Happyflower, I made a point of checking off my daily appointments, I carried my treatment schedule with me & a bright pink highlighter pen & got great satisfaction in putting a line through each appointment on the journey home, sounds simple but I soon had more pink on that schedule than unchecked appointments.
Remember we really do understand what you’re going through & the feelings you’re experiencing so just post whenever you feel the need but also on the flip side of that don’t worry if you don’t feel up to it.
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way for the week ahead.
Nicola
