selfish rant alert-

I’m leaving these thoughts here as I’ve no where else to put them

It has been helpful to me to read your post and all the reply’s. Thank you for sharing your situation(s) I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling but I need to share 

My dad has stage 4 kidney that has spread ‘everywhere’. He lives alone and has distanced himself from many people, so there’s just me looking on, loving him, caring for him  I visit, clean, shop, hospital appointments, support, organise and want to spend time with him

He was told he had 3-6months 18mo ago

i work full time, have a family and live 12miles away. He’s refused carers, he falls over, can’t drive, gets grouchy with people, can’t understand why the nhs don’t respond instantly to his needs,  gets confused, forgetful, is selfish and rude but he’s my dad and I’m doing my best to do all I can. I’m desperate to love, care, help, support and be with him until I can’t. 

Besides this,He has moments of his old loving self and that’s what keeps me going when others have walked away. I am told by so many that I’ve the patience of a saint and he doesn’t deserve me, which while reassuring that his behaviour is unpleasant, doesn’t really help. 

These are his last days (or weeks months years as it it’s going on longer than expected) he’s having treatment that has mixed results. 
I, and I know it’s me, I want to make memories but he sleeps and doesn’t want to leave his house. The intensity is exhausting, constantly worried that this is his last week, then he rallies, then he declines. People asking about him and I no longer know what to say - he’s still alive runs through my head. 
he sits in his chair, tv on loud, smoking and sleeps - day in, day out. I’m screaming inside- come outside, get some air, open a window, let me take you for a drive, be with me, something! Anything! 
I’m so frustrated, I cry, I get angry, I feel guilty. 

I’ve wondered why he asks for treatment if he’s just going to sit in a chair and smoke, by himself all day long. People visit, he refuses to answer the door if it doesn’t suit him even though he knows they’ve driven a long way and knew they were coming because in the moment it doesn’t suit him, he does it to me too

its such an emotional rollercoaster

hes my dad, probably not the best dad award winner over the years, but he’s my dad and he’s dying and that is hard for me to deal with. Some days he’s great with me and I put up with the rest waiting for these days

i feel so sorry for him (not a helpful emotion, I know)

I feel so sad and helpless and I wonder how

long we can keep going, me emotionally and him with this nasty disease, he doesn’t deserve it

sorry for the long selfish whine, I just need to off load