Not coping Well

HI Ladyofthelake

a warm welcome to the online community. So sorry to hear about your friend. Nothing prepares you for hearing news like that. I get it. 

In Sept 2020, out of the blue, my husband was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. He was given 12-15 months at the time with surgery and treatment. In the space of a few minutes our world imploded.

In those early days/weeks I went through every emotion in the book and then some. I cried oceans of tears. It took my a while to realise that this is a perfectly normal reaction to the shock of hearing his diagnosis. It's the strongest and most resilient among us who let the emotions flow. It is a sign that your body is processing the information and those tears are allowed. Don't be too hard on yourself here. There's no magical solution on how to cope I'm afraid but break things down into manageable chunks of time. On my really dark days I'd go from hour to hour. One step at a time and you will find your way through this emotional rollercoaster ride.

The role of carer isn't one any of us applied for but please take time to look after yourself here too. It's not selfish, its essential to help you cope and to be in the best position to support your friend.  So take time to go for that coffee or go for a walk or go to the gym. It's good for the soul.

This group is a safe supportive space so please reach out here anytime. Sorry its taken so long for one of us to reply. What can I say - we're all on our own journey's here. There is always someone around to listen who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer that virtual hug when its needed.

It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

For  now I'm sending you a huge virtual huge. Stay strong. Remember to breathe!

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. He's losing a lot of weight, his stomach is sticking out now, I'm not sure if we have long to be honest. I will look at the info you gave me. Thanks for love and hugs

We all feel like we are drowning and can take no more, but we do, because love has no bounds , we do what we can , we hold a hand , we whisper a joke or a expression of love, do what you can , some times a hold of the hand can be so All that’s needed, it’s not easy I know that and we all feel In different way, don’t as all the popular wisdom says stay strong have a bloody good cry , feel sorry for you self , then if you can carry on . Xxxx

thank you, palliative care nurse told me yesterday he may have only 1-2 weeks left, I am crying lots, also comforting him as much as i can

I"m so sorry to hear about your situation. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 advance prostate cancer a year ago. He's now responding well to treatment but news of a celebrity's death from prostate cancer this morning has sent me into a tailspin. Been in a happy state of denial for a few months because he's been responding so well. But this morning I can now remember the utter despair I felt when he was first diagnosed and we thought he had only weeks to live. (down to rather poor communication from the consultant) . Now I realise, again, that I will have to face this at some point rather sooner than I would wish for. I can only send you my deep sympathy and understanding of what you're experiencing  The grief seems unbearable at times doesn't it? Please feel free to message me at any time if you just want to splurge out anything. 

You definitely go through every emotion possible at the start...go with these emotions...feel them...don't hold back...4 months in and I still burst into tears in public places and often hop in the car for a drive and a cry when the carer comes for a block visit...I even go the the graves of dead relatives to have conversations with them....wherever they may be...you will eventually find what works for you as a coping mechanism...I can't say the early days after diagnosis are the worst.  Because to be honest, there not...there is simply good days and bad.. and you can't predict which will be good and which will be bad.. just take it a day at a time... don't look too far ahead...X

Yes - it's true. Good days and bad days. For the last couple of months I've had good days - as I say. I'm in a denial a bit! But sometimes that's the best way.  Not looking too far ahead is absolutely the best way for me!

Hi Ladyofthelake,

im so sorry to hear your story as I’m in exactly the same boat. Our very close friend who’s been like a brother to me for the last 14 years has got a terminal cancer. He’s currently going through send set of chemo to keep it under control and give us some more time, however the chemo totally wipes him out, he’s extremely fatigued and frail, the worst of all is that he is trying to do it all onis own, shutting himself in the house and not accepting any help. This is what I can’t cope with as we want to be there with him. Hold his hand, give a hug, cry together and laugh together, but the fects of chemo are robbing us from the precious moments and memories we so desperately crave. I feel totally useless and broken and really struggling with staying away  I don’t know what to do.