I've not written for a while but feel that i just want to share some of Colin and my journey over the last few months to see if i can at least help anyone else out there in the same position as us and i know it will make mee feel better to speak about it. In September we were told that the immunotherapy treatment wasn't working so stopped. This was after Chemotherapy then Radiotherapy and a spread from the throat to the lungs. Obviously we were really disappointed and all that could be offered would be palliative chemo. Our wonderful consultant at Dundee suggested that Colin take three months out and go and do what he was able to do and then we would look at where we were after that.
We went home and booked a trip of a lifetime to Canada, we went to Goodwood revival and Duxford Airshow and in the lead up to Christmas had a busy time with friends then a wonderful family Christmas. We even got away with friends for New year and started 2022 with a bang...
We saw the consultant at the end of January again and there was nothing to offer still but at least we made the right decision not to have the chemo as we wouldn't have been able to do all those wonderful things together had he been having chemo. it was suggested that Colin could have some steroids to help with his energy levels and maybe give his appetite a boost so he has been taking them and we went on a long weekend to Rome the other week too so we have been busy. The steroids made such a difference and it was great to see him eat a bit better and enjoy the sights without being Knackered all the time.
We have enjoyed walks, nice meals (well i have enjoyed the nice meals and Colin has tried his best to eat despite having no appetite). We have had some lovely movie nights at home, gone to the cinema, we went to the Scotland V England Rugby on Saturday which made his day and to see him in his kilt with tears in his eyes when Scotland won was absolutely amazing.
We are lucky that colin had an insurance policy which he cashed in and we are able to do these things and we do appreciate that so much, i work in the family business so am able to take the time off to do these things too and we have adopted a - just go for it policy and are determined to do all we can while we can.
The dark cloud looms over us though and sometimes i cant seem to make them go away and when i think that the only outcome is that i am going to lose the man I love in the not to distant future i have to give myself a shake and try to be brave for him.
His dream is to go back to Africa, we have been lucky enough to go a few times already and it is our place so we are hoping that with the aid of the steroids we will get there soon.
Now i know that reading this it seems that i am just bragging about what we have done but that wasn't the aim. I just want to express that if you are lucky enough to be able to tick off bucket list things then do it. It doesn't have to be trips it can be simple things too that bring home how lucky we are to have had the time we have had together and although it isn't as long as we wanted we have at least had the chance to sort things out and make plans. I don't want to pay off the mortgage and sit and watch my soul mate fade away. I want him to get the good of the money and time we have.
No being tied to hospital appointments and doctors or scans has given us a wee bit of freedom which we will make the most of.
Colin is one of the unlucky, untreatable ones and we don't know what time we have left but we are going to make the most of it until we cant. We have always had busy lives doing loads well before Covid and now we are going for it as Covid is the least of our worries.
Please if you are in the same situation, watch your favourite movies, go to your favourite places and be with your favourite people and don't hold back your feelings, I've tried that and ended up in a mess. If you need help ask for it and be kind to yourself. As a carer there is no manual as every one of us is living a different chapter but we all have a wee something in common that brings us together here to vent.
Take care all and try to be strong
Liz x
