Weeks to live

Hi sky1 I know what you are going through, my Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November stage 4 but unfortunately from having a stent now has sepsis of the bile duct, We have brought her home to see her last days / weeks here.

We're hoping she is here for christmas to have one more. It is utterly heartbreaking to see this and know I can't take it away. At the moment she still has some spirits about her and has some smilesnd jokes with us, But it's just not fair.

Aww sky I know exactly how you will be feeling . My mum tonight is drifting in and out of sleeping barely responsive when we speak to her . My mum sounds like your mum been there for everyone . It’s so cruel watching this awful disease take it’s toll on my mums body . Sending you lots of strength sky 1 xx

Hi Sky1 and the rest of the group going through this very difficult time, I send my love. My Dad is nearing that stage and as an only child I am finding it very challenging. This cruel horrible disease bringing devastation.  May we all have some peace from this torment when our loved ones are no longer in pain. I truly hope so. Take care and be kind to yourselves. xxx

So sorry to hear about what you (& everyone on here) are going through. 

Back in October we were told my husband probably only had a few months & we should get our affairs in order. His cancer is in the peritoneal & it is a rare cancer so the dr doesn’t know much about it. He was put on long etc pain relief which really helped his quality of life. He was eating & doing some work (he runs his own business) which kept him busy & he is always happier when he feels he is achieving something. Steadily he has been finding that his concentration is waning so he has to rest more. He does seem to have gone downhill in the last week. 

I’m struggling. We have 2 children (7&10) who are excited for Xmas & until this weekend I was managing but I just feel myself getting irritated with them. I don’t know what to do. They know that daddy is dying but since we told them in October neither of them have wanted to talk about it with us or anyone else. I see they are sad when daddy has days that he lies on the sofa. I don’t know whether to sit them down explain that daddy has got worse & the more he sleeps & isn’t able to be daddy the closer it’s getting to the end. I know I won’t be able to talk to them without getting upset & I don’t want to upset them so close to Christmas but then what if every day he gets worse & I’ve not prepared them. 

it’s just awful & right now I feel angry, stressed, scared, worried & like I’m constantly on the edge of tears. 

My heart goes out to everyone going through cancer at the moment. It’s such a horrible & unforgiving disease. 

Hi Edinmum,

ive tears in my eyes just reading your story.and I’m so sorry you are dealing with your own grief and your heartbroken children too. They will find it impossible to contain the excitement of Christmas. I’m sure the noise level goes up and you are bound to be just frazzled and no wonder you are irritable. I bet you could see it far enough! Irritability is part of grief and depression so don’t be surprised by it just take yourself out of the room until it passes. For me it’s when I need a good cry that iI am most irritable. It builds up .when it did The other night I went for a shower and cried and sobbed my wee heart out. Sometimes you just need a bit of privacy but can’t always get out of the house. 

There will be expert help around you in MacMillan or your palliative care team who will help you with how to tell the children when the time comes but you could call them now and draw in their support and skills. Children are intuitive and probably see the changes and they will need lots of cuddles and so will you. Tears are normal for them and you and if you start crying together then so be it. Its normal and tell them that. It’s a release valve and might help with the irritation you feel too. What they remember around this time is important and so maybe they could get daddy a cosy blanket when he feels sleepy and tuck him in with a wee kiss now and again. They will feel they have helped him. That’s a lovely memory to take with them through life. 
The sorrow and loss you must be feeling is bound to overwhelm you so cut yourself some slack because there is no perfect way to do this. None whatsoever. It is what it is. I think you are doing great in these aweful circumstances. 

When I was going through a divorce I read a book on how to tell children about it and everything was age related for children. Eg: the importance of sitting them down beside you on the sofa with your arm around them cuddling in or if younger having them sit on your knee cuddling them while talking about their dad sleeping more. 
Youtube is a fabulous resource if it is by official well known medics or grief counsellors. 
The one thing they might want to know is that it is OK to feel the excitement of Christmas at the same time as the feeling sadness about their dad. Christmas is always a time for mixed emotions and it’s very common and normal to feel a lot of different emotions at this time. 

Much love to you and let us know how you are doing or message me if you like. I’m happy to chat. 

Louli x

I feltthe same , when my father was diagnosedd in october , lung cancer , stage 4 ,, he refused to treatment and he is now coughing a lot , i dont know what to anymore , its not fair 

Sky 1 look after your self ! Sending you a lot of strengths xx

Thanks for your reply. I have good days & bad days just like he does. There are days when I think what if I can't do this, what if I break down & I can't cope but I know that I can & I will for the sake of the children. 

He picked up towards the end of the week & we had a good shopping trip with the children so they could pick some gifts for me & their dad rounded off with a sausage roll & donut! We managed to get some family time 2 days prior to Xmas day as well as Xmas morning. He wasn't do good on Christmas morning but got up to watch the kids open their presents. We always record it & this time we made sure to get daddy in the video. He fell asleep for a few hours afterwards & before some family came round. Everyone who came for Xmas was bringing something to contribute to the meal so there wasn't too much for us to do on the day & my sister-in-law kept on top of the dishes & kitchen cleaning! 

Unfortunately he didn't feel so good in the evening so went to bed around 8pm and has been in bed or lying on the sofa since then & hasn't eaten. I asked him to call the hospice nurse this morning but he wasn't keen. He was in a lot of pain on Sunday but mostly slept all day. He thinks it is because he ate too much on Xmas day but laxatives & not eating don't seem to have eased much for him.

It is so hard to know what to do for the best. I guess I just want to speak to the nurse fro some advice rather than I think she is going to have some miracle cure for him so he can feel better. 

His family were here on Saturday & saw him struggling & going to bed about 8pm but only one person has been in touch to ask how he is which is annoying me, He says it doesn't bother him & the only people he really cares about are the 4 of is in this house. 

My parents are here at the moment for a few days (they live 2,5hrs away) so have taken then kids out for some walks & kept them busy. I don't like going out & leaving my husband on his own for too long.  

I just know we have to get through today & see what tomorrow brings. We can only tackle each day as it comes rather than look forward to anything. We have an oncology appointment on 5th Jan. This is meant to be a meeting to discuss him trying a different chemo drug (he didn't want to do it before Xmas & oncologist said it was a gamble to wait but she said she agreed to wait until as she didn't know if chemo would be any benefit) however I don't think the oncologist will allow him to go through it the way he is.

Last night & this morning he said he feels selfish as he feels like he just wants to die. He has no quality of life & he is in pain or uncomfortable all the time. I thought hearing this would upset me however I understand. I don't want to see him in pain or like this any more than he does.  

Yamzka It is so hard to watch someone being in pain & not being able to do anything for them. My son was very angry when we told him. He shouted 'they can't just let you die, do they not know how much I love you'. I go through lots of emotions everyday. 

Dear Edinmum,

Yes it’s the hardest thing you will ever do.. I’m heartbroken for all 4 of you… sending you much love and strength… xx

Hi Sky1. How are you? My mum has stage 4 ovarian cancer, and despite 6 cycles of carboplatin, her cancer has spread. She has been admitted to hospital after having a fall which fractured her pelvis. When I rang the hospital this morning, the nurse asked me if anyone had a conversation about what happens if her condition gets worse? When I asked if she meant “end of life” she said yes. The A&E consultant recommends no resuscitation. 

I had been expecting that she was approaching the end, but I don’t want her to die in hospital.  

I totally get how you are feeling, it’s horrible and it feels like there is nothing we can do, especially when we can’t visit because of covid xx