How to celebrate Christmas?

You sound like a solid, devoted couple but a diagnosis like this shatters what you thought your life was. My husband and I lost our mothers to ovarian cancer, one very quickly and the other after five years of punishing treatment.

Last February, my husband was told the cancer we thought he had beaten after major surgery was gone had metastesised. He started EOX chemotherapy, which shrank the tumours and for the last six months it has stabilised. His oncologist has been very straight in that it will come back as it's inoperable and incurable. And when it does it will be aggressive.

It's like living with a bomb in the middle of the room waiting for it go off - we can't plan anything just in case. This Christmas might be his last, who knows? So no five year diaries, or expensive clothes he might never wear. No holiday brochured allowed. Lots of black humour going on but inside we are both screaming, so I know how you feel.

This year I tried to ban the festivities and wouldn't put the tree up. But he said we must, or I never will again.  We will create memories instead of buying things. Do what we always have, the tree, the food, family, even if he cannot participate fully. [He had his duodenum and part of his stomach and pancreas removed so has issues with food] We'll spend time with those we care about, take photographs, share our feelings, exchange stories even if we have heard them a hundred times, talk about things we didn't think we could.

Your husband doesn't need a present, only your company. Take care and have the best Christmas ever, because you'll be together. [Apologies if it's too sentimental - must be the time of year]

Sally

Dear Jenni. I’m sharing this dilemma. Husband has aggressive small cell lung cancer and diagnosis is bleak. He is pretending he didn’t hear what the consultant said about life expectancy.  We have 2 young adult children who will be with us, but husband’s pain is spiralling so every day is difficult. We have a tree up, but....I’m dreading Xmas day. Presents...yes, not giving a gift implies things you don’t want to imply ! How about...things he likes to eat / a few sweets ? Luxury hot chocolate, or other nice drink ? Bed socks ? A blanket ? A CD/audiobook ? It’s just a gesture. A buff , to keep his neck warm (it’s just a loop...so it can’t fall off :-) Or a neck support pillow ?

best of luck  

We are approaching our first Xmas with my wife quite poorly. Like you, I worry it will also be our last together.  I find it hard to think about trees and decorations, though there is a tree still wrapped up sitting in the garden. I can’t face getting the decorations down from the loft.

Having said that, I have been encouraging close family to come and visit. Most of ours live a fair distance away. That really cheers her up and the extra work is worth it. Just not staying for too long. 

Christmas dinner has always been a big part of our celebration. For years, I cooked it, but this year I have asked my two grown up sons to take it on. I think they are pleased to be able to do something practical. I’m delighted to have a break. 

I don’t think it matters what you give for Christmas, just that you do..for your sake as much as for his. I’ve bought my wife a ridiculously extravagant sweater. I think she will like it. It is moderately practical in that it is wearable and comfortable. I don’t know if she will wear it for two mo this or two years... but as long as she enjoys it. 

what I want most is for my wife of 37 years to know she is loved by all her family. Perhaps a little selfishly, we also want to hear that she loves us too.

This is my first post on this site. I don’t know if my thoughts help you, but getting down mine has been helpful. My brain was very active at 4am in the morning! 

Happy Christmas to you both