Mums diagnose today - “end of life”

My heart goes out to you. A long catalogue of things not being dealt with or listened to. I dont know if any of the people in the know of cancer services can help but it sounds like being sent home from hospital without a plan or support is difficult and I do know that at times hospitals can be quick to discharge without careful planning on what people need. 

I wonder if your mum has had skilled and knowledgeable help to discuss hospice as an option. I see that you want to respect her wishes about being at home, but is she making this choice based on knowing and seeing what they can offer. Navigating services and who does what seems to be a minefield.  Thinking of you. 

I can so relate to you about your worries regarding your mum being at home.

My mum is currently in hospital with a pulmonary embolism and chest infection (She has Stage 4 lung cancer) and is being moved to a community hospital today whilst they fastrack a care package for her to enable her to go home. Mum is adamant she is going home and won't consider a hospice/care home. She also lives alone in a small village and we lost my dad only 2 ½ years ago. 

Also they are having to arrange for a hospital bed & commode to be taken to the house as she will need to remain on the ground floor as she is very frail now. 

I live 6 hours away from her and have my own family issues with my daughter and also my husband who is disabled. Thankfully my aunt lives in the area and mum has a neighbour who has been very helpful but has her own family to take care of.

We know that mum is deteriorating and that realistically she does not have a lot of time left and I can understand her wanting to be in her own home, but it doesn't make it any easier or any less worrying about her being there on her own even with the carers coming in.

Thinking of you at this really difficult time xx

My mother's wish was to die at home and I was able to fulfill that wish but their was a heavy price to pay on our family in doing so. So much so, that I have told my wife that if she ever has that decision to make for me, I would understand and want them to put me in a hospice facility rather than trying to take care of me at home.

That being said, hospice at home care was a godsend and they helped us survive the experience. It was still a horrendous amount of work for my dad, brother and I along with our families providing round the clock care for my mother in the last month of her life. We too were worried about mom falling and eventually she did and probably broke a couple ribs as a result which made moving her a real challenge for us during those last couple weeks. It took us weeks after mother passed away to get our lives back in order because on top of the funeral arrangements and dealing with all the visitors, we tried to recoup some of the sleepless nights we lost and spent spare moments putting the house back in order which had been completely shuffled around to accommodate things like wheelchairs, hospital beds, lift chairs, etc.

I love my mother and was able to honor her request. But if I am ever placed in the same situation again, I think I would let them start off at home until the point they can't move without help and then transfer them to a hospice facility where I can spend the last weeks just being with them instead of doing things for them to the point I was utterly exhausted. 

Best wishes

Hi all

thanks for your replies. My mum passed away last Tuesday night in the hospice. She deteriorated extremely quickly after the hospice told her she couldn’t go home as it wasn’t safe. I think she just gave up after agreeing 

xxx

My condolences on the loss of your mum. May she rest in peace.

I'm sorry for your loss x