My mum will be gone soon

Just read your post and just wanted to reach out to you with a virtual hug and a message of love for you and your mum.  I don't belong to this group, but your words reached me.

just be there for her, she will know you love her.  I lost both parents to cancer, the pain is the price of love. Feeling unable to help our loved ones be free of disease and pain is torture.  

Words are not enough, but sometimes all we have.....May you and her find peace xxx

Your response has been lovely to wake to this morning. Thank you for taking that time xxx

Just wanted to send you a huge huge hug xxx

Thank you so much for this. Mum still here for today, another day awaits us tommorow xxx

Sending you the biggest of hugs xxx

I lost my mother to brain cancer five months ago and was with her almost continuously for the last four weeks when her first symptoms began to show. It is a hard experience to be part of but looking back at it now, I would do it again in a heartbeat. The way I see it, my mother brought me into the world and took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. During those last four weeks, I was able to attempt to repay that debt by taking care of her when she couldn't. 

After she was gone, I didn't think I would go on but I have. Now I do things in her honor and try to live my life to make her proud. Not a day goes by when I don't still grieve a bit and wish she were still here, but it feels right to do so. From the day of her terminal cancer diagnosis until her death two and a half years later, we focused on making everyday we were together, the best day together ever. It turned out to be the best two and a half years of our lives. Those memories get me through today, tomorrow and hopefully the foreseeable future.

Best wishes

Hi Fern,

So sorry to hear about your mum and how late you heard the news.  I am in a similar position in that we also recently learned our mum has oesophagus cancer but she so has been given a diagnosis of 6-12 months.  Reading how you are feeling and reacting to what is going on, I totally get and I really am not at that stage that you are.   The emotions are so sharp and confusing and weird all at once and hit you sometimes unexpectedly.  I too fear the end for my mum, I so don't want her to be in pain or suffer, I will be thinking of you and your mum and family as you go through this horrible time.

Sending big hugs your way.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. It has been an eye opening month for me, and a part of life I never thought I’d have to see- looking at something which doesn’t feel every day- like a nightmare- breaking the bubble of existence and questioning mortality. My mum passed away last Friday, 6 days after this post. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be, but the last few days I wanted her to pass to stop the suffering, I know she is at peace now. I miss her terribly already and am obviously in the early stages of grief. 

Everyones cancer story is different, please don’t feel to much sorrow and sadness in my story. My mum was elderly and had very poor health in general- she couldn’t undergo any treatment or have a stent fitted. I hope your mum can be helped. Mum was kept comfortable and was not in any pain, she was also sedated (I found this really upsetting) but I know it was the right thing as she did not feel any fear. The staff were amazing. We said everything we wanted to say, and held her hand and cuddled her. 

I don’t have any words - sorry does not come close nor does thinking of you. And I have no advise- there is no right thing to do or way to behave. We sat at mums bedside for 12 hours a day and chose to leave at nights, she passed on the Friday morning just before we arrived. I had accepted we may not be there- I was ok with that, I was scared. She was with two nurses and unconscious by that point. We walked in and they said she had just gone, the days before her breathing had slowed and stopped a few times - I wonder if she didn’t want me and my brother to see.

You will find strength for the journey you are about to endure. I am heart broken for you, for all of us. Our mums won’t ever go- they live on in us and there energy is around us. 

Any time, do message xxxxx

One thing- please PLEASE try and obtain your mums wishes and feelings now about her health care and what she does and does not want. In the end my mum didn’t have capacity to decide, and we were left to contribute to big decisions which were unbearable. Have those conversations about end of life care and how she wants to pass. I know it is so difficult to even say, but it is harder to not know what she would want before it’s to late xxx

Hi Fern,

So sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words and understanding.  My mum is also old (83) and not in the best of health and they can't do anything for her other than a stent if she needs it.  She is quite fragile at the minute anyway, although when she first had the diagnose and thought she could have the op she rallied a little but I when she was told they wouldn't operate or give her any chemo then she kind of slipped back into a very withdrawn state.  I find it slightly harder because I live in another country to her so don't see her everyday, obviously when she gets much worse I will go over but for now we are trying to make lovely memories while we can.  It is hard not being there all the time and my emotions are so all over the place which surprises me as she hasn't died yet but grief is never one way or another and I am trying to be accepting that this is the strange world I find myself in right now.

Thanks about suggesting we talk to mum about her wishes etc, I know she wants to go into a hospice but maybe we should ask more detailed questions.  Sorry again to hear about your mum but thank you for your response to me.  xxx