Sister said no! How am I supposed to feel?

Hi Kerrie and first some warm ((hugs))

Those having an Allo SCT have no idea what it is like giving Stem Cells. My brother had to do it 4 times and although he was happy to do it the last two harvests were very hard work but fortunately his team did take enough spare cells for DLIs as on day 281 post Allo number two I required a DLI as my counts were down at low 50% and my system needed some help. 

Its unfortunate that you sister is not willing to go back for another harvest, the amount of Stem Cells required can be very small so the harvest would most likely be nothing like the first time.

What to do? There is a possibility that without the DLI all the hard work that has been done by both of you could be lost (but there are other tools your team can use) If it was me in your situation I would be in contact with her to lay the truth out and take it from there.

The post SCT journey is indeed full of twists and turns, but all you can do is to keep on pushing your team to look at ways of move this in a positive direction.

Hi Kerrie,

like you, our daughter was reliant on red cell top ups, as it took her new marrow over 2 years to learn to produce red cells, bug it did happen, without DLI’s, virtually overnight. She unfortunately couldn’t cope with the meds to reduce iron overload (was loosing weight fast, tmi as to why!) 

her team tried EPO and also Rituximab, took her off ciclosporin fast, nothing worked, but it just swapped suddenly from O Rh- to A Rh+, her donors group. 

So even if your sister sadly couldn’t cope with the injections to boost production of stem cells again, it’s possible all may well sort itself out. And if your sister does agree, using Loratidine each day with regular paracetamol, and starting before the jabs, that lessens the bone pain. 

Hugs xxx

Thank you for your replies, 

I did talk to my sister just after the actual stem cell donation, when she said the pain in her back was excruciating I had said that I had had the GCSF injections twice myself so I knew what she had gone through.. I had also recommended before she started them that it would be worth taking Loratidine to help but she chose not to take them.  I was being nice when I said that I had chosen not to have contact with her tbh it’s the other way round but I refuse to dwell on her decision and will face my new path with the same hope and smiley face that I’ve had from the beginning of this journey (It’s not let me down yet lol) 

I have full trust in my health team and I know they’re watching me intently, I will try any treatments they offer if it will keep me alive.

I have felt so many different emotions over the last few months and I think I’m finally accepting that I will never have complete control over my life anymore but I sure as hell won’t let the negatives take over.  One day at a time is all I will worry about, not tmrw as that does not exist.

Wow Kerrie, I’ve just read your update and all I can say is what a completely crap situation, my heart really goes out to you.

I must admit, the thought of what your sister has done didn’t even cross my mind - my big bro has always been someone I’ve looked up to, it never crossed my mind whether he would refuse DLI if I needed it because I can’t ever imagine refusing it if he needed it. That must be a horrible situation. It has got me thinking what I would do if I was in that situation. To be honest with you, I think I would feel a little less love towards my brother. It’s true that he would still be my absolute hero, I owe my life to him, but I would think it weird that he chose to not continue to help me when I still needed it. I must admit the stem cell harvesting wasn’t very pleasant, but when we’re talking about someone really close who really needs it, I’d hope he would do it for me.

Is there any way you can speak with your sister to ask her to reconsider? Explain how much you really need her support?

I’m really sorry you’re having to face this Kerrie. You seem to have a good mindset. Here’s giving you some more encouragement to keep ploughing on through this crapness.

Greg

Hello Kerrie

I'm sorry about your situation. Do the DLIs have to be from the original donor ?  I think I remember someone on here with a similar problem, and they had to wait to find another compatible donor. 

Yes I feel that life will never be quite the same - in some ways that is good. I've cut out a lot of trivia, so what I have left is of more value. I still haven't regained my stamina after 22 months, so can't plan long walks or trips out that I used to enjoy.  They say my haemoglobin is back to normal but are now watching my blood sugar levels. 

I just read your profile and remember well the shock of having to leave my home on a dark winter night with just a holdall, and having to rely on neighbours to bring me all the things I'd forgotten. Ever since then I've kept a 'grab bag' with all the basics in it, and keep my home tidier in case I have to give people directions of where to find things.

Several friends and family have been a big disappointment. They only wanted to help when it didn't inconvenience them. It felt that I was less important than their French lessons, bridge game or church coffee morning. But others went the extra mile, offered to be tested for cell donation themselves, or came to visit when they had serious illness in their own family to cope with.

Some people who didn't help much at the crisis time are being more supportive in the longer term. While others who were kind at the start are impatient for me to be 'normal' again, despite me keep repeating that this is a long term thing. I am having to constantly review my opinions of people and manage my expectations.

Tessa

Hi Kerrie,’

I think I would be very disappointed with your sister too if I was in your situation but think Mike is right and perhaps a phone call and meet up to lay it all out might perhaps change her mind, it certainly can’t do any harm. Perhaps she just doesn’t appreciate how much it may help you. 

The stem cell harvest I found uncomfortable but that was more to do with needle size than any back pain I suffered so I won’t judge anyone that suffers badly but the thought you’re  potentially saving someone’s life and especially a family members would hopefully push you through the pain. My sister is a Haplo match for me and has said she is willing and more than happy to do it for me (although I have another donor we are potentially going to try first) but I have always told her she must be comfortable doing it, especially mentally so perhaps your sister may be struggling with this aspect more than you know. 

Anyway, good luck and hopefully you can sort this out.

Regards

Mark x

Hi Kerrie

I haven’t posted on here for a while as my husband is now 5 years post SCT, but your post really affected me.

it brought back the painful memory of the time my husband was very poorly. He was on morphine and in a bad way. His brother phoned him in hospital and spoke to him on the speakerphone, my husband told him his only chance was a SCT and a sibling would be the first choice. It still makes me sick to recall his reaction. He absolutely blew up and shouted ‘who said I will do it, I’m 64, I will have to take time off work, I have my family to think of, it’s going to cost me 2 days pay, etc, etc’. My husband just responded, yes but this is my life. At that low point we could easily have cut off all ties with him.

Luckily a 100% match was found from an anonymous donor. We still speak to his brother but I can never forget. You hear stories everyday of families brought closer by cancer and supporting each other. In my case nothing could be further from the truth. It has made me see how selfish people can be. They are so wrapped up in their own lives and not willing to put aside their routines to help out. We had absolutely no support and then my daughter in law decided they might catch something from the chemo. She refused to let us see our grandson or our son and we have had no contact for 5 years now. 

My husband is doing great, he is well and so grateful to be alive that he accepts what has happened and is able to move on. I am still struggling mentally but I hold on to the belief that there are nice people out there and our wonderful donor is evidence of that.

Ah fanilow, a warm group hug from us all xx

Great that husband is doing good.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies,

Fanilow I’m so glad your husband is doing great but so sorry I have dragged up such bad memories.

I remember my sister mentioning the affect it would have on her life, with work and family but I guess I wasn’t with it enough to take the remarks seriously and she did go through with the first donation so I can’t moan about that but when I asked her why not the second time she had every opportunity to tell me the truth of the whole situation so maybe I could ask questions to the health professionals for her but she chose to just say it was the pain, if she had said she was scared or that it would cost her her job I would totally of understood but she chose to go with that simple answer and then refuse to talk to me. 

‘It is true how you find the special people in your life when something like this happens... unfortunately my circle has become very small now as a lot of my ‘friends’ got bored of me being ill, I became the unsociable fart that couldn’t be relied on to go out or even have coffee with, so they don’t bother talking to me anymore... I occasionally get a ‘like’ on FB if I put an update on there which I sometimes do ironically as a reminder for me lol.

I know I sound so bitter but I’m not... life goes on, I understand that and when I manage to get some normality back into my life, I get to make new friends and try activities that my new body can do .... a goal I look forward to!!

Hi Kerrie,

your remarks about friends is sadly very true, it’s when you yourself are in need, that you find out how true your friends are. And there are times like that, that your list of friends diminishes but you then find true friends, people you hardly really knew before, who step up and stick by you.

the saying ‘you can choose your friends but are stuck with your family’ is sometimes sadly also very true. 

daughter was the mainstay of a quartet of musicians, organising them, getting gigs, finding appropriate music, fixing meetings, (having done Theatre Studies, she has a natural introducing and announcing style so did that too) practises and so on. And thought the other three were her good friends. Sadly, when she was just out of her auto (years before her allo) on a gig, one was overheard to say ‘it’s a good thing ____has been so ill, she’s been able to do all the Admin work’! Have to say, if that had been me overhearing it I’d have given them a good tongue lashing! Needless to say, daughter left the quartet, unfriended the other three for many years, and the quartet has never again been as successful! 

But those friends you (and she has) make now will be among your friends list for many years to come!

Fanilow, so very sad that you’re both still out of your grandchildren’s lives. 

Hugs xxx