Oh where to start - my 24 year old daughter has been diagnosed with Stage 2 lung cancer about a month ago, and has been through chemo and is now starting radiotherapy, and the mom in me is struggling. When she was younger, I’d be able to “fix” her cuts and bruises, but this …. there’s nothing I can do. I don’t want our days full of discussions about her illness/treatments but I also don’t want her to think I’m not interested by not discussing it. any advice???
Hello Purley1003
Welcome to the Online Community. I am very sorry to hear that your daughter has been diagnosed with Stage 2 lung cancer. I can understand how worrying this is for you and how it is hard to know how best to support her. I am a Mum as well and I get that when they are younger you are able to fix the bumps and bruises but with cancer its different. There is a sense of helplessness. That is what I found during my own cancer journey last year.
I understand that it is a balance between talking about her illness and treatments and not wanting to just be discussing them and nothing else. With me I found there were times when I did want to talk and there were times when I wanted just to talk about normal things. Sometimes I felt like to avoid the elephant in the room did not help and if I updated friends and family about the current stage in treatment etc - it sort of got it out of the way and then could focus on other things. People that helped most were the ones who said they were there if I wanted to talk about things but did not pressure me to do so. Also sorting out the practical things such as transport to the hospital, shopping, pets, housework etc helped take the worry away. Often I didn't want to discuss the cancer and just wanted to be me.
I remember meeting someone I knew via work in the local shops one day and she asked how I was. She said she just didn't really know what to say to me but had been thinking of me. That helped. Sometimes people don't know what to say and I get that it is hard.
I hope that your daughter is not feeling too unwell following her chemo. When I went through radiotherapy I did find it quite hard and tiring. There will be a lot of focus on the hospital visits but what I appreciated was people that would pop in and just keep up with all the other news. What was going on in friends and families. How my nephew was getting on at school. Anything really to help take my mind off things and let me know that there was still life out there.
Talk to her too. You are her Mum. Tell her that you are there for her whatever. Even things like watching a film together, the soaps, sitting in the garden, popping to the shops together- all these help. Tell her that you find it hard not to be able to fix things and that you are navigating the difficult journey together.
You don't say whether your daughter is at home or in her own place- but company is important. I found popping into work on days where I felt a little better really helped. Also one thing I found was that the treatments affect how you look and feel about yourself. Anything pampering related helped. A new bubble bath, a moisturiser- chemo can make your skin really dry. Things that help you feel a bit better about yourself. Also maybe some comfy clothes- its a bit of a pick up if you are home, unwell and you have some fresh new bits and bobs.
The above is all things that helped me. I think just go with the flow and expect the ups and downs but if your daughter's experience is anything like mine- I wanted the normality where possible. I am sure just having Mum around is really helping her.
I have found a link that may help if you wanted to have a look. Some of it is more general but there is a part on supporting a family member.
Emotional support for family and friends | Macmillan Cancer Support
I hope this helps a bit. If you feel chatting to someone would help then there is the Support Line (number below). They are lovely on there. They could also have a look for you and see if there is any local support to where you live.
I wish your daughter well with her radiotherapy and if there is anything else that we can do to support either of you then please do ask.
Jane
