Hi.
I’ll try not to ramble, but, there’s so much to deal with now and I’m so tired from lack of sleep and the emotional effort.
I’m fit and active, weight train, swim and walk dog for miles. Surf when the condition suit me and I’m not nursing an old injury.
I went for a screening lung CT scan a couple of weeks ago. I qualified because I was an electrician’s mate in my teens 45 years ago and there was a small risk that I’d been exposed to asbestos.
Lungs were clear but the scan suggested something was wrong with my left kidney. I had an abdominal CT scan on Boxing Day and was called in to discuss the findings 5 days later.
The consultant told me I have a large growth (11cm) on my kidney and some cysts on my liver. There will be a multi disciplinary team meeting late next week and I’m being booked in for an MRI scan asap, she thought in about three weeks, to determine the nature of the cysts and may need a kidney biopsy.
Three weeks feels like forever and I haven’t been given an appointment yet. I don’t suppose these kinds of meetings are ever good, but I got the distinct impression that things are bad (kidney removal bad) or very bad (liver secondary cancer) I’m trying not to over interpret what was or wasn’t said, but…..
I spoke to the nurse later and she confirmed my understanding of the meeting and the notes she gave me.
I take some comfort that my lungs are clear and lymph nodes that were captured by the scans didn’t raise concern.
My main concern at the moment is the impact it’s going to have on my 2 daughters. They are in their early 20s. My youngest has exams next week, so we’re not telling them until after.
I’m so fortunate that I also have a wonderful wife and our relationship is strong.
Then, there’s the fear and anxiety. Partly about the known issues but also the unknown issues and the uncertainty about my diagnosis, prognosis and treatment. I don’t suppose I’m special in this regard, but I’m cycling through emotions and it’s hard.
And so much more…
This really is an attempt to write something down, reach out and start connecting.
I consider myself emotionally intelligent, rational, fairly robust and I have a science degree but I feel useless and out of my depth.
Please forgive me if I don’t respond in good time, I have no control over what I can deal with just now.
Just writing this (which has taken the best part of 5 hours on and off and countless rewrites) has helped.
J
