I am feeling totally stupid but........

Hi Cath aka mad German shepherd lady 

I'm sorry to hear how worried you are about the upcoming procedures but it's natural to feel scared about something you have no experience with.

I think you probably meant to post this in the bowel cancer group which I can see you've joined and posted in before. To save typing it all out again you could copy and paste it into a new post in that group as you'll then connect directly with others who can share their experiences with you.

((hugs))

Hi Catha.

Just wanted to agree that it's understandable your feelings.  Obviously I can say for you. But years back now I was told immediately after colonoscopy. 

I also understand the living in two worlds.  One normal life with lots of great things to enjoy in the future and now.  The other where your mind revolves round and round on results.  

Just wanted to give you support x

Firstly your feelings are valid no matter what others have gone through. I am feeling exactly the same as you, things are moving fast (hospital last Monday and colonoscopy this Monday) I recieved my bowel prep today and am terrified. My partner has early colonoscopies so is trying to reassure me. I have adhd and autism so I really struggle with the unknown. I hope your procedure goes well and you get good results. Sending hugs your way xx

Thanks for your response as i seem to be stuck on the polar opposite of feelings. But sometimes I am lucky enough to forget for a few moments but then the bad thoughts return. I am totally prohibited petrified of even the bowel prep I start tommorow..

But the part of me, the negative one really came out when my GP rang. I told him that I did blame him for me ending going down the route I am going.. 

I know it's wrong to blame these people who are you are helping me but cannot stop my mouth going into overdrive and I am so far from that person in my head normally. 

But thanks your response it's a positive in my negative world at the moment.  Cathy

Thank you for your response is it's much appreciated.

Just like you I get constantly bombarded with negative things and the anxiety is very high. I am so from the person I am normally. I never got anxious or full of negativity.

After the tests on Sunday people keep telling "you will be fine and it will be something and nothing" but I just have to smile but I feel like sceaming to them "no it's not". 

The only time I can talk to with honesty is here on the online community and people are honest about their thoughts  and their experiences and I find this a really good support system, which I really need at the moment. Thanks again for your message. 

Take care. Cathy

I find once you’re in that frame of mind it’s very hard to get out of. The possibility of having cancer makes you angry at the world. I broke down in the car on the way home from the food shop yesterday, my partner isn’t the best in dealing with others emotions plus the topic is especially hard for him. I just got the normal ‘try to stay positive until they give you something to be negetive about’ but my brain just doesn’t work like that. 
I start my bowel prep tomorrow and I’m scared to eat anything today, think I’m just going to have liquids. Please let me know how it all goes for you and we are all here to support you xx

Hope all went well and you are doing ok xx

Hi Kerry

I started things started I ate a meal at 2pm as after 3pm there was to be no food at all but kept on just drinking water with lemon cordial. I then had the 1st sachet of Moviprep at 7pm, not the best taste ever. I was expecting to run to the loo all evening and night, and surprisingly I didn't, I managed a good 7hrs sleep. But when I woke up and went to the loo it was a bit of a shock. I then had to take my 2nd Moviprep at 6am. Things were loose to say the least but not as bad as I expected it to be, this for me seemed to finish at about 12.30pm. I kept drinking till 2 hours before my appointment, so certainly not as bad as I anticipated, but I did use a pad (and those big knickers we all have) for reassurance purposes

As soon as I arrived at the unit, I was taken in straight away, the staff were great especially when I discussed my feelings and anxiety. The Consultant came to see me to sign the consent form and we also discussed sedation which I opted for.

I then went in for my gastroscope, the scope showed areas of inflammation, erythematous and also gastritis. Four biopsies were taken from this area.

The in the same room I had my colonoscopy. I found the procedure uncomfortable on a couple of occasions and I was given entonox. But it was certainly not as bad as I had it in my head. The Cosultant discussed everything that was on the TV, he told me that firstly I had perianal lesions, hyperplastic lookin polyps and lastly a long and "loopy" colon. He took biopsies from all the different areas. The results for them should be sent to me within four to six weeks. 

So please try not get yourself that I was in about the Moviprep, it's not great but certainly not as bad as I was losing the plot over. 

Obviously I have to wait for the results but I was as informed as much as they could. So please tell the nursing staff how you feel about everything and personally I would ask for sedation, it doesn't knock you out but just relaxes you which so helped me get through it. 

You take care and let me know how you get on tomorrow 

Cathy xxx

I’m so glad it went better than you expected. I started my move prep this afternoon, I really struggled, took four hours to drink the first litre. I’m just on the second litre now…I never want to drink the stuff ever again! 
Im going in at 9am tomorrow, hoping I don’t have to wait around too long or I know my anxiety will take over. Fingers crossed all your biopsies come back ok xx

Can only send lots of hugs.   Not sure  I can send tips, as for me amazingly I have been calm and at time funny - funny - about it all, a little disjointed, like 'its not happening to me'..... but Saturday was a bad day with three lots of bad news (they say things run in threes) which tipped me a little over the edge.  Glad to say, back mostly on track today and am off to paint some windows..... only way for me to get around this.... keep active on jobs that take my mind off....