Lost my partner to cancer

I  lost my partner of 11years on 29th July. I had never known what true love was until I met Maureen, I was in a dark place when she found me and saved my life. Those dark thoughts are now back and I can’t see any way forward.  She fought cancer since 2013 first breast cancer then lung cancer and finally bowel that went to her liver, never have I known a more brave, courageous uncomplaining person.  She fought all the time because we were so happy together   The loss is unbearable I spent all day in tears every thing I look at or touch has memories I feel like I’m going mad.  To be honest I don’t really want to even try to carry on without her I just want to be with her again.  The loneliness is  awful .  I just want to touch her, hear her voice and kiss her. The last days of our time together are not the memories I want as they are like a form of punishment etched on my mind.  Was I  patient enough was I caring enough did I do everything I could right to the end   I have so many doubts and dark thoughts.  The pain is like nothing I have ever known.