Hi,
my mum was diagnosed with osopheagul cancer in January 2020. She was 66. She passed away in October 2020.
I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she has gone and is never coming back. Just how is that possible?
Her cancer caused her continuous pain from the very beginning and she died with severe pain. The cancer had spread to her bones, spine and liver. She had several rounds of chemo and 25 sessions of radiotherapy. None of this worked. I feel like she should have just not bothered 
her last couple of weeks were filled with doctor visits, a week in hospital and then eventually her last few days in hospice. She was confused, agitated and in severe pain.
I remember the day she was taken to the hospice - the flashbacks are horrendous! The hospice nurse visited in the morning just to check how my mum was doing after coming out of hospital a couple of days before. My mum was confused, agitated and in pain. Her legs were mottled and swollen and she was having trouble breathing. The hospice nurse went up to her room to see her. She came back downstairs and immediately said “your mum is dying”. She rushed out the door to organise an ambulance to take my mum to the hospice. Before she left she said “if she dies before the ambulance arrives, don’t call for an ambulance just call the nurses at the hospice”. It was shocking but throughout the whole cancer diagnosis my feelings were just numb.
I went upstairs to see my mum. I sat next to her and she looked at me and said that she’s dying. I just didn’t know what to say. She told me she loved me and I told her and said it’s ok, I’m here. She was still so confused and could barely stay still from the pain. Her eyes were so glazed.
eventually the ambulance arrived and she was taken to the hospice and made comfortable. But the drugs meant that she was unable to communicate and was mostly sleeping until she passed away a few days later. My dad, brother and sister were all able to be with her when she passed. They were all very tearful and distraught but for some reason I was just very numb and couldn’t cry at all and still find it hard now. Even at her funeral I was numb of feelings. Anyone else feel like this? I loved my mum very much and we were extremely close. It doesn’t make sense.
I have cried once since her passing. I just feel like I can’t grieve properly and the pandemic is not helping.
Mx
Hi and warm welcome to the Macmillan Online Community although sorry that you had to find us and especially sorry to hear about your mum’s passing and the ongoing challenges you are having.
I lost my mum back in November (not cancer), it was sudden but peaceful but still all a blur and I have also only cried once.
You may find talking with others who are walking the same type of journey will help you navigate this challenging time.
The Community is organised into support groups and I see you have joined our supportive Bereaved family and friends group, this will be a good place to connect with other families navigating the same type of journey.
To go to the group just click on the link above then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘New Thread’ or hit the box with the X on the top right (phones), you could just copy and paste the text from this your first post. You can also join in with existing ‘Discussions’ by clicking on 'reply'.
It’s always good to talk and the Macmillan Support Services provides lots of information, support or just a listening ear.
Most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week and it's free to call on 0808 808 00 00 have a look by Clicking here to see what is available and we also have our Ask an Expert section, but do allow two working days for replies from our expert team.
All the very best
