Grief

Hi ,

Firstly can I offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. It must have all passed in a bit of a blur having happened so quickly! Your reaction with the panic attacks isn’t unusual, I have a close family member that had a similar reaction to the loss of her father & accessed some CBT therapy to help her through with great results. Have you thought about contacting any bereavement services? It may do you good to speak to someone in depth about your loss. We have a group here on the community for bereaved family members & friends I’ll post the link here & maybe you could pop on over there & take a look you may find others in a similar situation to yourself Bereaved family and friends - Discussion Forum & sometimes you don’t feel quite so alone when you link with someone going through a similar situation, just follow the link & click on ‘join the group’ at the top of the page & you’ll get access to the group. Also the numb feeling you describe is also a pretty common reaction to grief I think, I experienced this after the loss of my husband some time ago, I think it’s our bodies  kicking into self preservation mode. 

Nicola 

Hi Nicola,

Thanks for replying. Yes it all happened so fast. My mum was never sick and was at work right up until Christmas last year she was a nightmare for seeing doctors etc so it really has been a blur since taking her to a&e that day until now. I will check it out as it is very hard for other people to relate I have brothers and sisters but everyone has their own lives. Thank you x

Hi , 

You’re right it is very difficult for others to relate, the loss of a parent is different to the loss of a spouse which in turn is different to the loss of a sibling, friend or child. Our grief & way of grieving is as individual as we are & nobody can tell you the way you should grieve your dear mum. Although sharing with people that recognise some if not all of your feelings can help. Please don’t feel alone though we’re all here if you need us.

Nicola 

Hi Mari, 

I can completely relate. My Mum’s illness wasn’t quite as short-lived (but almost) and her death not only came as a shock but has decimated the whole family. She was the glue that held us all together. She was my best supporter, kind, funny, generous to a fault and she kept us all afloat in one way or another. My life feels completely meaningless without her (I too have a young family) and I feel on auto-pilot most of the time. I have used the Macmillan Support Line more times than I care to remember - they have proved invaluable. I have also seen my GP and he’s recommended Cruse Bereavement Service. I’m awaiting a response from them but I’m hoping they will enable me to move my grieving process along. I feel completely stuck at the moment.

Relating to your difficult journey and sending a virtual hug your way. I’ve been told that I just have to keep on keeping on and with time things will get easier. At this stage I’m not. convinced but who knows? Xx

Hello,

It seems the same happens in a lot of families when the mum dies everything just goes to pot. We are all divided in grief and our lives. Some days I just don’t want to talk to anyone or leave the house, I am so grateful I have my kids as they force me to have some sort of routine thankfully otherwise who knows. I am going to be in touch with the magpies centre we have one local and see what support they can offer. It’s absolutely helpful to know that you are not alone and that other people are going through something similar! Drop me a message anytime for a chat! 

Xx

Hey  

I’m not sure whether you were replying to me - I cannot get to grips with messaging on here. 

Anyway, I hope what I wrote helps you in some way. I feel so sorry for you and what you’re going through. It’s excruciatingly painful. I feel I cannot speak to anyone about the crazy things that are running through my head. Having spent so long at my Mum’s bedside for the 8 months she was  in hospital I feel very institutionalised. I’m having a hard time being back in the ‘real’ world. Socialising fills me with dread and everything seems pointless.

You’re right - as odd as it sounds, it’s comforting to know there are people out there having similar experiences. 

Take care xx

Hi I'm not sure how this works either but your experiences are all so similar to mine I had to reply.  My mum was well up to December then had a nightmare getting doctors appointments and mis-diagnoses until finally they found a tumour in her bowel on Boxing Day.  The next 6 months were horrendous and she was rarely out of pain or terrible nausea.  She had an illeostomy and 3 rounds of chemo, which all made her life even more unbearable.  She lasted until 29 June and lost the fight.

I was very close to her over the 6 months and did everything I could to help her.  I know what you mean about feeling institutionalised.  All the time I was terrified of losing her.  I was the 'strong one' for my dad and brothers and I was with her at the end.  I cried a lot on the day she died but only a couple of times since.  I am relieved that she is out of the pain, nausea and fear and can't bear to acknowledge that the person she was before the disease will never come back.  I am worried that this is a false situation and my wall will come crashing down. 

My problem now is my dad who is struggling to cope.  Not eating, sleeping and bursting into tears.  He's 76 and they were together for 60 years.  He was ok over the summer as I kept him occupied but now I am back at work (I'm a teacher) I think his loneliness has hit him.   The doctor has refused him medication and he won't speak to a counselor. 

Sorry to rabbit on and hijack the thread!  I was only looking for advice for him when I came across this post.  Thank-you all for sharing and making me realise other people are going through the same.

Hi folks, sorry to butt in on this thread.

. Did u know - if u want to - u can private message by sending a "friend" message ( similar to Facebook,) then once the other person,s accepted it u can pm.

 Then you'll know who's replying to whom

buttercup01 has helpfully highlighted the PM route but remember that this will be a private message and only these folks will see the support.

If you want to keep an open conversation going on any thread on the site so that others can be supported - just put the name or site name of the person you are replying to at the start of each reply........ just like sending a letter.

Every thread loads the posts in order of the day and time each post is put on the system.

Michelle05

Hijack away - we’re all struggling in one way or another - I make no judgements! Especially when I’m so technically inept! 

Life is just so hard...my feet have barely touched the floor since my Mum’s passing - we have the normal amount of stuff to sort out (belongings, utilities, bank, etc) but we also have several hospital investigations into serious incidents that occurred when she was an in-patient. (She was given a catastrophic overdose amongst other things.) I have tried hard to focus and be present for family life (and teaching!) whilst trying to wade through hospital meetings and reports and I worry that I’m not grieving as I should. I feel numb one minute and am consumed by grief at others. I just miss my Mum so much and I REALLY resent the whole ugly process.

It also now it transpires that my Dad has his own cancer diagnosis to cope with (less than 4 months on from my Mum’s death). I genuinely feel like I’ve lost my mind. When I’m having ‘why me?’ moments (of which there have been many), I have to stop and question ‘why not me?. This could have happened to anyone - it’s just not what I envisaged. 

Know that despite everything you’re going through right now, there are people out there who care and are willing you on. I would say things will get easier but I don’t have huge faith in that at the moment...at least not in the near-future. I’m just trying hard to stay open to the good moments in each day and savour them as much as I can. 

Hang in there xx