I hate hate hate it all!

Hiya Begalimum I am sending u a huge strong hug to soak up some of ur hurt and anger.

Fraud! Strong word and in your heart of hearts u know u aren't a fraud. You see a world around u of people complaining and moaning, while u are yourself in invisible trauma of your cancer.

In 1990 when my 2nd son was born I ended up in a beautiful psychiatric hospital with post natal depression. My mother was dying and I should be nursing her. In tears I rang my eldest brother with the  words 'fraud'...my brother said that if I had 2 broken legs and arms would I feel a fraud. Of course not. I wouldn't be able to help mum. The difference was that u could see broken legs etc but not mental health problems...it's the same with cancer..no one sees it.

In your work u get the moaners,  in my job, I had to give up due to my cancer, was working with people who had severe dementia...I loved my job very much  but some of the staff and their care ethics left me angry. Many times I rang home in tears at the incompetent cares I worked with. My sons and husband reminded me why I worked there,  for the residents...my eldest son gave me a one liner that  i still use today when people disturb my balance.

'Leaf on the wind'....I picture that leaf on the wind, floating and twisting in the air currents 

Now onto your why me, why us? Who knows? Crass as it may sound,  it is what it is.

I wake up in a morning and am thankful I woke up. I may feel unwell, low, tired..but I am thankful.

My cosmos is now not the village I live in, the country, the world, the universe..it's me, my family my home. I don't let anything disturb this haven.

Easy as it's sounds, the people who make u angry, those who don't matter should become leaf on the wind moments

Your cancer is a challenge. however, u have a good medical team, a good family, you're making connections with people on here.

No-one knows how long they've got so enjoy each moment, each day as best u can.

I am proud u were able to vent on here. 

Always here if u need a shoulder 

Sorry about the essay hahaha...but I hate people hurting so..

Hugest hugs  

Hello Bengalimum

I hear everything you are saying with hurt in my heart

Ours is such a tough journey- Fleabane has posted a fantastic reply and I support everything she has already said so won’t repeat 

With regard to other people I adopt a similar approach- and just think “let them” , I don’t allow myself to be upset . All that matters to me right now is my family and a very small number of close friends, shrinking my world has massively helped me , I know others are different and take comfort from lots of meet ups etc - whatever works for you 

Thinking about leaving my children behind is the hardest bit for me (even though mine are adults now) - I try to remind myself that they will go on with their lives and that is as it should be . You’ve brought your little ones into the world and you will always be their Mum 

Focus on yourself and those closest- everything else is just noise, try to keep reminding yourself 

Sending you the biggest hug 

Lucy xx

Hi

With our line of work (I was a dentist) , we need to care and give to others. However, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You are just emotionally drained and there is nothing to give. I talked to my GP about my feelings towards patients , he had cancer and said he felt the same way . Can’t be bothered. It is completely normal. I gave up working straight away as can’t give 100% anymore. Have you talked to HR about sick leave and spend more time with your families instead? MacMillan can be very helpful with this.

You are experiencing all the stages of grieving and will be going back and forth to different stages. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Eventually you will come off it and accept your situation and moving on to living with cancer. Live the best you can just with cancer in your backpack. 

It is good you are venting about your emotions. Maybe worth getting some counselling? We have no control over biologically what is happening to us but we can control how we react to it. It is our ultimate power. 

Take care x

Hi Bengalimum, thank you for for sharing your feelings and I hope it helped you. Better days will come your way, I'm sure of that. Have a lovely evening and hear from you soon

I couldn't help laughing about the poor gent complaing about being attacked by a seagull though lol

Hi BengaliMum32 

Yes it is good to rant! And it's ok.

Remember work is work. Yes it might've mattered but now it's a means. Put a wall between you and it if you must. Create a door or a window.

The wall is to keep the negative out and the doors/windows are to let the light of what matters in your soul - children, family, friends.

Sending you many hugs and light!

Sledge x